This is my thought when going through material that is touted to tell me how I can deal with an avoidant type. There are articles, videos, presentations, speeches, and sections in books dedicated to telling me how I can do this or that and play the game and get their attention, do the work on me, get them to notice, get them to chase me, and so on. This is the framing that I am questioning. There is very minimal education on how the avoidant learns and grows to find safety in the connection and closeness instead of having a threat response to closeness that keeps the other person on their toes and ever playing that delicate game so as not to trigger the avoidant. The framing places the entire responsibility on the person dealing with the avoidant, and it lets the avoidant off the hook from doing any work to not be so avoidant.

I have seen a couple things about how an avoidant can heal. But most of those materials are self aware and comment that the avoidant who needs to read this, hear this, understand this, they likely won't read it because they aren't interested in change. I feel a bit offended by this notion because I would put myself in the avoidant camp. The truth is that the warning about an avoidant not seeking out and digesting content that would place them in the spotlight for criticism and change. I get that, and I also understand the hesitation to confront about these things. There's gotta be a gentle way, and it's easy to sit here and say it would be fine to bring up such topics, while recognizing the moment-by-moment reality that things aren't so simple.

This whole discussion belongs with the section on attachment and healing from attachment wounds. The benefits of healing from attachment wounds means I no longer have to play out these patterns. For my mind, it is disappointing if someone could describe me and my actions with a general statement of how a type of person reacts in a certain situation and can tie that to childhood attachment issues. This bugs me because it means I am not in control and this happens. I only realize looking back. Reminds me of habitual action that needs changing, but only loosely. As I examined that initial thought, the connection rapidly faded. The only point is doing something without thinking about it. Breaking habits is a lot different from breaking the unconscious patterns, confronting and healing from the trauma. Actually calling it what it was, trauma. I would sugar coat and say everything was fine. I tell stories like my childhood was normal, and then I look around the room only to realize other people didn't have those experiences, the metaphorical room. It's as I've grown older and only recently been able to sit with those memories, implicit and explicit. The implicit are the most difficult because I can easily and truthfully say that I don't remember the events from the past. The implicit memories show up best in context, and my outbursts were how I learned to protect myself, and I thought it was okay because that's how I was talked to.

When I'm told this is not a game or manipulation, and then the next sentence says this is instead an honest map of how the avoidant nervous system works, I start to believe this is a strategic something or other using the big words with psychological undertones to just make me think that I'm playing this game for real. I find it an issue that this roadmap need even be followed. This, for me, is the biggest hang up. I still see this as a game because it doesn't confront that avoidant about how their behavior is just this map being followed, unconsciously. The literature also describes how the avoidant will mourn after the loss of something close that they've pushed away and reach out and love bomb and be the great guy, be all those things, then a couple months later, all of that stops, and it's right back to where it was, sometimes worse. Now that's scary. I don't want that at all. I need concrete steps to take so I don't fall back into the same patterns. I am not this avoidant who won't look at himself or do the work to not be following that map, to move toward a secure relationship where the vulnerability, safety, and connection are enough. The deep inner work is needed to recognize that little child inside has been pushed away and unloved for too long. I justified my actions with biblical indignation; when I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought as a child, I understood as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things. This quote has been ringing through my head. I got it wrong. I looked to the men and women who were the strongest, and I watched to see how they handled these situations. I never got an example of how it should be handled properly with myself or with loved ones. Now, I drop that sentence to open that can of worms, and the phrasing is all wrong, saying that I never got... I say this in the context of being a child, and thinking and understanding as a child. As a child, I didn't get that safety and security and consistency. (Quick side note, consistency is key. I have more to say about that one).

New lines to work through the idea of "childish things." If I improperly define what childish things are, I can live the quote perfectly and still get it all wrong. The wrong version, where my head went because I just assumed and never asked. There's another topic, assuming and not asking because I'm smart and I saw this other guy do it... Back to the current topic, childish things. There was a time when I would have told you that childish things is crying over stuff. Being angry was not a childish thing because adults and manly men got angry and loud and got their way, in the movies and in real life. I could observe the effects of this being true, and it might have something to do with the visibility of anger. The visibility making it more likely to be seen than quiet strength. There's also a culture of dismissing as not being manly. I toxic'd myself in my own head; I drank the kool-aid. I would say that was weak and childish. The adult reaction is to get mad, not run off crying, little kids run off crying, strong adults stay and yell, or they stay and shut down, or they walk away, but they don't cry about it. Sometimes I write things, and feel the urge to say, wait a minute guys, don't worry, these words are in place for rhetorical context, please don't take these sentences and say, look he said that thing. I worry sometimes, and the whole text provides the larger view. But those are my insecurities, and a little editing goes a long way when I reread this to see how it flows as a unit and as part of the whole. Back to childish things, because for some reason my mind doesn't want to face the reality that I was wrong about this. I would prefer to skip to the new thoughts, but understanding the old thoughts seems to be key in the actual healing, breaking-the-pattern process.

Let me throw a midway summary for myself in here. I've gone through all of these words, concepts, ideas, theories, you name it. The result needs to be simple. I can't leave you guys with a jumbled mess of thoughts for you to decode, decipher, and decide in the dark what was learned. But really, it ain't for you. I can't leave myself a jumbled mess of thoughts to try and make meaning of just because thoughts were captured in this writing. That assumes I learned something. I cannot assume that. I wrote before, and I repeated the same behaviors, in new and different ways, but all with the apparent goal of protecting myself from being vulnerable and opening up about the thoughts I would be judged for, the fears and insecurities that I faced in my own head and the ways in which I felt that if I shared all of those thoughts then she would leave me for real. I got some idea that those things could be forgotten and covered up with the present and the future. I fooled myself into thinking it was severed and buried, never to return again that the robot transformation was complete. Boy, was I wrong about that one. I did it again, I rambled and made some high-minded point, but I didn't get to the actual point. Maybe it's a life in politics for me after all.

The result is this: slow down, be patient, welcome the little annoyances of life with laughter and curiosity because that is the journey, enjoy the journey, treat myself with kindness and compassion, treat others with kindness and compassion, be helpful. The hard learning has taught me not to push away the difficult emotions, the pain. I have learned to not cover the pain with positivity, drowning out the negative with positive, but never allowing that pain to properly heal and repair. I am allowed to feel things, it is okay. I am safe. That sentence has been on repeat throughout, and it remains on repeat in my head. It's as if I need a constant reminder or something.

Learning about the avoidant attachment behaviors is tough when I see my own actions fitting the description. Then I read the paragraph above, and I remind myself that I am safe. I am not doomed to repeat the past. Awareness and willingness have been my allies, in a spirit of surrender and grace, I feel at peace knowing that my future will not look like my past. I also feel the pain; the pain that I caused in the past. This can't be dismissed by telling myself to get over it, it's in the past, doesn't matter, and other such invalidating statements. Trying to provide context to make the feelings unjustified and then they must go away because I'm not allowed to feel that way. I tell myself that I wouldn't feel that way if I was stronger, and I work to forget. The work of forgetting involves telling myself the good things, focusing on the good, the work, the goal, the plan, the next conquest, the left brain, the thing I can brag to my mom and she will be proud of me about.

There is one moment I remember where I caught myself being critical and overstepping. I look upon that memory fondly because I was good in that moment. I'll tell the story for the audience, y'all don't know what I'm talking about. My wife was cooking dinner, a meal that I'd never cooked by the way, orange chicken. While she was cooking, I was watching and trying to help where I could. I was mesmerized by her skill and attention to the recipe and the way she would take charge and make this happen. I was not needed, and I got to watch her in action. I saw the chicken, after breaded and fried, sitting in the sauce. My instinct was they would get soggy and lose the crispness from the fried breading. My fears got the best of me for a second. I jumped in and said "hey, should we take those out of the sauce so they don't get soggy?" I might have said it a bit more accusatory, but your imagination can fill in the tone. She was focused on another task of the meal when I said these words. She looked at me with a look, the look of a woman who knew better than me, and I understood in that instant that I had fucked up LoL. I walked back my questioning words, my attempted take over of her thing. I had a bad habit of jumping in and thinking I knew something that could make things better. Maybe I did have something to offer, but my tone in a lot of instances was one of dismissal and was demeaning. I can use my words with devastating effect to dismantle, and use "d" words to describe the dastardly deeds. Back to the story. I apologized and walked away as soon as I noticed what I had done. In my mind, I had a fear of soggy food and thought I could be helpful. Where I need to recognize is when my helpfulness becomes a commentary on the abilities of another, taking over a task because they can't do it, and being hurtful in the process while defending my behavior as taking charge and being direct and giving honest feedback, standing as the virtuous hero in the story. How do I become the hero, when I now see my role as making the other people the hero of the story? I was just the sidekick who helped, they are the hero.

The food was delicious by the way. It was by far the best orange chicken I have ever had. It was not soggy, and it had a very pleasant crunch and an apparent fresh taste of orange that was like I'd never tasted before. This tasted weird because it was better than anything that had called itself orange chicken before. The rice was cooked to perfection, and the chicken was crunchy and sauced with the taste of fresh oranges. I couldn't believe the exquisite flavors that existed in this meal. I want this meal again, and I said as much while eating and and after it was done, and again here now. I don't know if I'll ever taste orange chicken so good again, but I am grateful for the taste of how great that dish can be. Then she had ideas of how to do it better next time, and oh my goodness, the idea of being better next time just blows my mind and gets the tastebuds firing.

I made sure to apologize again for starting to step in on the cooking. I recognized that I did it in a bad way, and I wanted to apologize for doing so. I do hope it was clear at the time, but if it wasn't I am always happy to discuss it; as that gives an amazing opportunity to connect and understand each other's needs better.

I must also recognize that some people reading this will have specific instances in mind because they know me and have a history with me, and because of that, they won't believe what I'm saying is true. It may be interpreted as the opposite of what I intend. I have a little experience with this. I was once bad at a sport, then I trained for a few years, and I wasn't bad anymore. In fact, I was now teaching the sport. I thought I was being helpful when giving my opinion, but I do see how it could be interpreted as preachy and righteous, even if not meant that way. I was challenged in an unfair way because my past was used to say, this guy was terrible and now he's showing up saying all this, who does he think he is, we know how bad you used to be. The attack felt unfair to me because it missed the point and attacked me based on who I was, not who I am. I am not describing this well, and it's tough to put that feeling into words. I was attacked, I was mislabeled, I was dismissed, I was hurt, I wanted to defend myself, my ego took the hit. In that moment, I walked away from the conflict. It was not helping me and I received no benefit from being part of this. I removed myself, and life was just as good without that stress.

I compare this writing to that situation. It wasn't too long ago that the old patterns were the current patterns. The new stuff still has that new smell. That's part of the concern of how this work sticks around. I wonder how I can be at a place and let myself slip from that place by being caught up by all the shiny things. I was chasing this big grand dream, when I could have been focused on the thing right in front of me. The thing right in front of me got pushed to the side because of the chase of the dream; that thing was in the way, in no uncertain terms, and that was part of my problem. That thing that was in the way was the whole point of it all. I didn't need anything else. The rest would unfold in time, and I did not have to rush to get to the end of this so the real stuff could begin. I was pushing off the good times with the virtuous attitude of choosing to struggle through to the other side because the other side will be awesome. While focusing on the other side, I neglected this side. I definitely did that.

Vigilance, practice, and reading what I've written before so my own knowledge is not lost and the hard lessons don't need repeating. That's a theory. That appears logical and in line with what the learning has taught so far. I'm okay with that conclusion as a working theory and practice. Now my mind is running on how to incorporate that into a daily or weekly schedule and figuring out how to make this part of the routine so knowledge is not forgotten. I'm not sure I will create the daily plan for that. I have set aside time for writing. A portion of that time can be used for reading. Perhaps the reading prior to the writing so the writing is informed. But how do I choose what to read? How complicated can I make things and ask all the questions that I don't have answers to just to justify to myself how difficult it is and that I don't need to actually plan that step, it will figure itself out, but I'm flip flopping... Hold for clarity...

My anxious mind wants all of the answers before it will begin. My avoidant mind doesn't want to look at the problems and just wants to run forward with positivity and left brain logic. This becomes commentary on how my mind works to "protect" me by thinking and justifying certain behaviors as safe and away from the unknown. If I don't have answers to the questions, I can't proceed, but if I ignore the questions, I can proceed. But wait, let's slow down and ask the important question, should I proceed? The fear either stops me or puts me into dangerous settings because the risks were ignored. The first fear keeps me ground, while the second fear leaves with the fate of Icarus, flying too close to the sun with a shitty design of the wing that was overlooked during the process because of a blind ambition to fly.

In truth, I got married for the wrong reasons. I can say that and support it with evidence. The reason we got married was because we wanted her the ability to work; I thought it would give her the sense of security that was missing. I know now that sense of security was supposed to come from my consistent loving actions that provide safety and support for her during the good times and tough times. That's how she knows I'm not going to leave her, and it can help to calm the anxious mind that wants to protect and get that reassurance. And that's okay, it is there, an endless well of reassurance because the love is there, not angry at being questioned, but supportive and showing and proving it, not by yelling that the need for reassurance shouldn't be there and how could they question it when look at all these things, and any other form of invalidation we can think of. It wasn't love to show a dismissive attitude toward the need for reassurance and love. It was the protective ego that wanted that felt threatened and questioned about how could she be questioning this when I do all of this. That starts the defensiveness. I begin to tell her that she is wrong and should feel like this, and I give reasons, and I can be so convinving that she starts to agree with me. If I frame it as trying to help her see these things and not questioning it and telling her that she doesn't need my approval and that it should come from me that it should come from her. I can say she's beautiful all day, but until she believes it then it won't be true. This left brain thinking is just walking the emotions down a logical path hoping they will disappear because logic says I am not supposed to feel that way. If I was fixed, if I was better, then I wouldn't feel that way. That other person is right about me, I am weak and needing reassurance. And so the logic goes. I'm uncovering the dangerous effects of my words and actions. Possible effects, but still insightful, shoes of another kind of way. What I am seeing here is that my hard nosed attempt at trying to say a need for reassurance should be overcome has backfired.

At the risk of this being read, and it sealing the fate that I'm resisting, I am putting it at the end of a long writing. I have always wanted for her to have lived a life. I wish for her that travel and freedom and adventure that I have enjoyed. She is young and has the time ahead of her to be careless and make mistakes. At some point, she decided that she didn't want to have that family and be tied to this. She felt as though grinding it out for two years was a waste of the two years that she wanted to spend traveling and having fun adventures while she's young and doesn't have kids and life isn't too complicated yet. Life got too complicated, too fast. Everything all at once. She is young, and she can go be free from this, and she doesn't have to continue. I am not the one. I am not the best thing out there. I am okay, and I am a lot of fun, and she loved me, and she felt more deeply than ever before, but that's done now. She sees her life of freedom, then she sees the emotional baggage that comes with me, and the choice becomes obvious. How can I question that? That just makes all the sense in the world. Then she writes the story of the adventure of when she got married that one time and how she grew and became a better person, as she develops and evolves into the blooming beautiful flower she is. I am caught up writing a love story of grand proportions and traveling across continents against all odds to be with one another. She is writing the story of her personal triumph through hardship and a difficult partner who pushed all her buttons and turned up the dial on her insecurities and anxieties. It is stressful to be with me and to think about this and to worry if I'm going to criticize her for the decisions she is making. She may worried to share it with me because of me earning the reputation that I would somehow criticize, belittle or demean her. These are my thoughts, interpolated from available evidence (i.e. made up in my head), although nothing from her to say that's her worry. Her story is her story, and it has been my fascination since the day I met her. It may have helped had I been writing all this earlier, as it was happening. It was in my head, and she couldn't read my mind. How was she supposed to know anything other than my words and actions? I cannot merely think of an apology; I must apologize, repair, connect, and provide the context, and listen to understand how my words or action have affected the other. There's a way to do this, but I was doing it all wrong. It takes more than thought; it takes action.

This is really learning made hard, because I wrote some of this same stuff five years ago. Better late than never.