The thoughts keep rolling, and this writing continues. I started with the thought of we got married for the wrong reason so we shouldn't be together. Then I backed off that because although we did get married for the wrong reasons, our relationship wasn't built on the marriage. Our relationship was built on the true feeling that we were each other's person. My current understanding is that assumption is being questioned. The relationship is now theorized to be built on a trauma bond and not be real at all. But that fits just enough to be tossed away with the rest of them, and it ignores the very real aspects and connection that are present in every interaction. We don't need to find someone else who is better for us. We need to learn how to love one another. I am guessing that any new person will need to learn how to love me also. There will likely be some tradeoff, and the person that probably loves me the best is not the one I want to be with. Another difficulty I face is doing this work to building the great relationship and partnership by myself. The irony and tragic comedy of it all is that she wanted this all along. She wanted for us to talk and share. She was probably hinting at the fact that she didn't feel comfortable telling me that she wanted to slow down and all this was happening too fast. I wasn't hearing it. I wanted to push forward, and my hustle drive just told me to work harder and put my head down. I was mad that she couldn't just put her head down and work too. What I didn't understand is that she absolutely can put her head down and work, but she didn't want to do that in this instance. It wasn't that she can't, and I know that, and that was the basis for my attacks. I would say things like, babe you got this, keep going, it's only temporary, or my classic, you chose this, keep going. Unfortunately, I wasn't listening. I was giving encouragement for a thing she didn't want. She wanted the simple life that I wanted. I got so wrapped up and confused that I thought she wanted all this greatness because I was just doing to make more money to get to the end faster, so we could have that simple life. I was so wrong about that, apparently, that approach is not good for my mental health and relationships. The actual answer would have been to slow down and listen to her concerns. I fear now that I bought her a moveable dishwasher to solve her problem. I didn't listen and understand that she actually didn't want to put her head down and hustle toward this goal; she wanted to be loved by me.

Again, I will say that these are my thoughts. I could have the story entirely wrong. If I am wrong, I'd love to hear it. Random 500 words about how I got it all wrong. I hope to not repeat this mistake, so it is written, and it shall be read. Desperately trying to avoid doing this hard learning again LoL.

These thoughts need more. It feels incomplete to leave it at some vague conclusion about me not listening.