Here's one for the journal of life. There was a young man who was a customer of mine. He paid for the service, and I provided the service. I spent a little extra time and went beyond what we originally talked about. I missed a call from him today, so I call him back. He pocket dialed me. I told him it was no issue, and then I asked about that thing he was going to do today in his business. He said that he hadn't done it yet because it was coming up in a couple hours. He sounded a bit deflated because his business thing might not turn into the deal that makes him money, at least he was thinking it might not mean money. I asked him, "can I tell you something that I learned in my time in business?" And he welcomed my advice. I went on to say that the money from his deal wasn't the goal of him meeting his customer. It didn't really matter if he signed that contract with the customer. I went on to say that he should take the time with the customer as an opportunity to connect and build rapport, that he is building a relationship, a friendship with the customer. When the customer considers him a friend and trusts him, then that customer will choose him over the competitor, even when money is involved. I told him that people like to work with people they like and trust. His going to meet the customer was an opportunity.

He thanked me for this advice, and he went on the share that this was his first customer he got on the phone and willing to meet him. I kinda chuckled a bit and told him that reminded me of before I had my own business, and I was selling commercial real estate. I remember calling people asking them if they want to sell. I shared some advice that I got. The advice was not to worry about that one customer who doesn't pick him; he's young and just getting started, he will make mistakes. I offered that he shouldn't concern himself with each single customer because no one customer is going to be that make or break. If he messes one up, there's plenty more out there, so just call the next one. He thanked me again for that advice because he hadn't really thought about it like that. He was placing all the hope in this one because it was the first one. I kindly said that it was okay if he didn't get this deal. I gave him the advice I grew up with: if you help enough other people get what they want, you'll get what you want, no doubt. I went on to say that in the beginning of my business I tracked the number of people I helped. I knew that if the number of people helped went up, then the money surely followed.

At the end of the call, about 10min, this young man sincerely thanked me for taking the time to give him some advice. He said that not only did I gain a loyal customer, but I gained a friend. He said that he will always call me when he needs something. He thought he might before because we worked together and it was nice. Now, he says he is absolutely calling me for everything because he knows that I care. (gets the advice, people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care). He continued to thank me. He said that I had a good heart and it really showed that I cared about him. He went further to say that he knew that I was a good man. I almost cried on the phone. I told him that I was about to cry because of how much his words meant to me. I've been going through it the past couple of months, and I really, truly appreciated his words.

I began thinking about how helping people is just who I am. I feel good about myself when I help people. Is that a hero complex? I don't know. Is having a hero complex bad if I'm a hero to people? It sounds bad because of the word "complex." Having a complex never sounds good. It would be cool to be a hero though. So, maybe it's not all bad? I don't know, and I have planned to do some research on what "hero complex" actually means. I get called things, and I don't know what those things are. I gotta look stuff up. I got called an "asshole" once, and I'm not sure what that meant either... LOL

Back to the serious matter... I got off the phone with this guy, and I wondered how I ever strayed so far from who I am. I was the nice guy. I got away from it. No excuse for my behavior. Nobody made me do it. I am not saying there weren't factors affecting me that caused me to be so wrapped in my own agenda that I didn't see anyone else. But I did see other people at times. I was able to do it intermiitently during the same time period. It became something very different in some moments, and I am not sure how I got there. I won't go pointing to any specific events or people because it was a combo pack of the different variables all whammy punching me in the face at the same time. I didn't know which way was up because I was so far into the stress of it all that I forgot who I was. I deteriorated into something else, and there is no excuse for me to treat people the way I treated people during that time. Maybe it is a factor of not being able to get away from it. I just wanted it to stop. Everyone else I could turn off. I could get away from them and give an excuse to get off the phone or leave the situation. I could leave a place, I could hang up the phone, and I could be away from people. But with someone in particular, I couldn't leave. I was trapped. I wanted them to stop. I wanted to get away from it. I wanted to hang up the phone, but they weren't on the phone, and they slept in the same bed as me. I couldn't get away from the stress so I pushed the stress away from me. I went there because things had gotten so far gone that I didn't know of any other way. When it finally did happen, it was too late.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'm looking for reasons because I want to be able to identify these things so I can avoid it and protect myself in the future. I am not sure what is what. I know how it made me feel in the moment. I don't know that what I was feeling was correct. I don't know that the "cause" of any one thing could be said to be the cause. I also know that pointing to any one aspect and detailing how stressful that one particular aspect was can shine an unnecessary spotlight there, making it appear as though nothing else exists to blame (maybe the word should be "credit" not "blame", but I'm tired, cut me some slack). I haven't slept much in a few months. My stress levels are still outrageously high. I also know that the profession I chose has some dark statistics about mental burnout, depression, substance abuse, and suicide. It's inherent in what I do. I must be vigilant to protect my mental peace in these moments. I am already in a precarious position with the line of work, and when it goes too far for too long, I am liable to snap on people. I got rude and mean. It is never okay to do what I did. It is never okay to yell. It is never okay to get angry and mean and berate and continue to drive the point home about how I am right about this and you need to listen to me, I won't stop until you stop arguing with me. Yeah, that's not cool man.

I write it, and it sickens me to think that I now have to stand up and admit to doing those things. I am owning it. I did those things. It's not who I normally am. It's not even who I abnormally was. It was a unique display of how bad I can become if I don't protect my peace of mind. Mental serenity and calmness are two aspects that sound like a dreamland because I might say, "I live in the real world and that bullshit fairy tale monk peace life is nonsense." That's not true, and I can barely recall the sentence that was written before these words. My brain is fogged out, and I can't remember much. I say that because I am sleeping terribly, only in bed for about four hours, but not asleep for four hours. It was four hours from the time I decided I should be sleeping and the time I decided to not be sleeping. I get up in a sweat thinking I've overslept and missed something. OH SHIT!! I'm late!!! I didn't do that thing!!! I forgot that other thing!!! I am missing stuff!! What's wrong with me?? How do I fix this?? What needs to be true for me to not be stressed at every moment, waking, sleeping, dreaming, and all the semi-lucid spots between. There's always something I need to be doing. I didn't write a letter!!! AHHH!!! I promised!!! Ahh!! I broke my word again!!! Fuck me!!! Damn it!!! What's wrong with me??? Why can't I seem to do anything right?? What is really going on with me?

Then I have a phone call with a guy who thanks me from his heart, we connect, and I feel like I can do it. Then I get a phone call about how I didn't do that other thing. I look at my to-do list and realize that while I was doing that good thing, I forgot to do that other thing. Stress return. Saying it like I'm commanding the stress and summoning it to my side.

There has to be a better way. I am trusting a friend with essential oils. Yeah, snake oil. No. I would have previously said that I don't do that holistic mumbo jumbo voodoo magic witch doctor potion crap. I might has taken the opportunity to tell someone how and why I don't believe in that. I may have taken the step to inavlidate their personal beliefs about something because I "knew better." But not today. I listened and with an open mind spent about $450 on a load of these different essential oils and a diffuser and some other things. A valerian stick that looks like deodorant. An oil stick that works topically on the body. And some veggie caps, to do something. I don't even like veggies, but hey, I'm surrendered and open minded now. Maybe desperate to sleep. Maybe willing to try anything that can help me get to a clear state of mind at least temporarily.

Oh and that wake up late thing. I'm kinda like on vacation... Why do I need to be up at 5:30a?? Why do I still freak out if I'm not awake and doing something. I put this stress on myself. Anything additional that gets added to this list is just even more stuff, more stress, too much at that. And maybe I got so offended by being called abusive for the same reason other people don't like it; it's not how I saw things, and it doesn't align with how I see myself. But I still feel like I had an experience and my experience had all of these things going on. I feel unfairly treated by everyone. The customers who think because they pay me money that they have the right to fuck me and do anything they want to me, and they are not thinking about how it might be for me. They are thinking that they paid me money and now they can have their way with me. Maybe I've been trafficked into this profession and now I'm forced to bend over for anyone who pays me money. Hell of an analogy right there LOL