In that moment, I think back to why I reacted so strongly to her reaction. What was I so afraid of that made me act so angry, and then I came back without demanding that we gain connection on the subject. I wanted to move on and act like nothing happened, move on to the therapy that we both knew we needed, to hold on just a little longer because it was getting better and things were looking up. But why did I react?

It felt like I was being manipulated, like this was some show to gain power over me and threatening me and putting me on guard, and I responded with some version of "I'll give you something to cry about." It's not right of me to react that way. I can respond with kindness and curiosity. I know there was no harm meant, but somehow I got offended and threatened and told that I wasn't being nice when I thought I was being very nice and it got to me, it questioned who I was, and my ego and self got attacked, so I lashed out if defensive anger. It was wrong of me, and I should have responded with tears because I didn't want to make her feel that way, and I will give context, I just thought about "where's my benefit of the doubt, what did I say so wrong, why are you so mad at me, this is ridiculous, what the fuck is the actual fucking problem because I didn't say a fucking thing that should have upset you, and now I don't know what the fuck is wrong and you storm out of the fucking room like a little kid when we're sitting here having a fucking conversation, and you think that's okay, that's not okay, and I'm done with it, I'm done putting up with these reactions. And I took my wedding ring off, left it on the kitchen table, and I left the house for 20min, got a milkshake, came back and got the ring, I said I was sorry and that I love this ring, and I don't think now that she heard me. I didn't say it loud, and maybe I just thought it, like I do. I will make stuff up in my head and forget that I didn't say anything because I get lost in thought. Lost in thought.

My mind really hit that wall. Fucking hell. What's wrong with me?? How do I behave right with people? What is right? Why did I push it away so fucking hard?? Pushed away anything different that felt new or weird because I wasn't used to sharing feelings, that was for weaklings. We get back to work and get over it.

That's funny that my mom gave me that advice. She said to focus on the things that you're good at, professional business and professional sport. That's some advice from mom. That's the kind of advice that says don't focus on it and just get to work. She said it is too soon to look at it and heal from the wounds. I believe she is unaware that the wounds come from her style and how I learned and what is portrayed as the normal way of doing things; the problem here is that our whole problem began with the inability to look and feel these things, like this wasn't allowed, like we have to put on a strong face 24hrs per day.

I didn't give her a safe space to cry, and she was crying a lot. That's why she didn't have a safe space. One of the reasons.