I have thought that of others. Others have thought it of me. I wonder if I will ever think it of myself again. That's the question prompting the discussion.

I have a dream, and I'm living in that fantasy future. Although, I would walk back from saying that I live there. I may visit and daydream, fantasize about that specific set of circumstances. I used to dream with another, but that has changed. I slowed down, and that has allowed me inspect the dream. I am spending time with the story, writing that story. I hoped someone would participate and write this story with me. That could have something to do with me wanting too much, but I don't think it started there. I don't feel as though I was asking too much. I can agree that I asked in the wrong way or failed to ask and was disappointed when my unspoken needs weren't met. I got it all wrong, and my listening skills weren't quite up to par. I heard one thing, but the intended meaning was something different. I had a difficult time separating these two, and the received meaning was assumed to be correct. If that which was received touches upon something that scares me, an area where I feel inadequate, a point of pride and ego that challenges the idea I hold of myself, or it could bring forth uncomfortable implicit memories that awaken the protective patterns of defense and attack.

Context can help, but context alone is insufficient. I misunderstood this concept, and I was just given a great external example of this concept in action. I was sad and emotional, in tears about not understanding why something is going a certain way, the woman I love doesn't want to see me (probably best that way if we're not getting back together, because I'd definitely, instantly fall head over heels in love, again, the moment I see her). But thinking back to what actually happened, I was talking about a promise I made to always be there. If I make the decision to move on, I feel like I'm breaking that promise. I am not one to stop or quit. I don't feel like I've been released from my obligations. My sense of loyalty is being threatened by my own actions. This is where I was when I was told that I wasn't making sense because I broke that promise already, and that's why it's over. It was the other person's attempt at context. With context, the goal is that I recognize the effect or cause or intent of this, that, the other. The context is used in a dismissive way. I'm not allowed to feel a certain way because I know the context. How could I possibly be questioning and feeling this way when it's the decision that I made when I did that thing? That's the question that was asked of me, essentially. That felt dismissive and besides the point. My point was that I'm struggling with moving on because of the promise that I made. I made a vow, and I meant forever. I'm still working in that mindset. That mindset is keeping me stuck in the relationship, in my head. I owe her my everything because I promised it. I have not accepted that I don't have to do that anymore. I was never released from that commitment. The commitment was true, and I meant it. I struggle with a sense of integrity if I let this go.

I will eventually get to a position where I can let this go and give myself permission to move on. She will give me permission, or I will give myself permission. It is entirely likely that I get a random text that says something along the lines of giving me permission to move on (got down the page a bit and had to come back; please don't send this text until after I'm done with the book, as described below, but feel free to send the next text anytime and often lol). It is also likely, maybe less so but still possible, that I get a random text that asks how I am doing, how the business is doing, how the travels are going. It's more than two months on the trip, and that makes for some travel stories. That's quite a time to be in one place. Five weeks in a new place, meeting new people. This will be an amazing journey. I will maintain my other language studies, but. must pick up some words in the local language, of course!

So, yes. I am going on the two month escape to get my mind right. I will fly like a bird and dance in the air, while all the while feeling more deeply and richly than ever before. I will have moments of connection with friends who will give me compassion. I will show compassion for myself. I will eat. I will train and find a sauna for a bit. I will get healthy and acclimated for two weeks. I will continue my studies. I will continue the book. Ah yes, remember when I said I should go away for two months and right a book? I asked, where would I go, and what would I write. As I asked myself this question about what to write, while writing the thing that is to be written. The material is there and the time needs to be spent on the editing phase. I'm telling you guys all that now, and some of this material will make it to the final draft, but perhaps I will take out some of the fourth wall breakage, but we gotta leave some, right? You like it when I'm talking to you, right?

This brings us back to the refined point that must be presented here. I was looking for something else, and I was always saying I wanted this or that. The trouble I had was seeing that what I had in front of me will turn into the thing I want. So basically, I already I had it, I just had to keep doing what I was doing. If I gave an analogy, it would be the farm. Demanding the result of the crops without doing the work and waiting. These things that are in front of me are the crops I want, I just need to work the field and wait. I already have what I'm looking for. Instead I'm out here trying to find an easy and quick way to just obtain the thing that I'm after. If it's a big group of friends that rely on me and look to me for my kind-hearted approach to caring for a friend, if it's a business and income that reaches the couple comma club, if it's a long-term committed relationship. I have switched up, jumped in, got out, changed quickly because it wasn't working, and wanted something else because this is taking too long, or it will never get there, or I want it now, or this isn't what I thought it would, and all of these thought patterns that kept me looking for the quick way to be finished. As it turns out, Apparently... All of those things existed already, and there was no need to look elsewhere or to seek more. There already existed plenty, and I sought something different, something more, perhaps, but it wasn't getting there fast enough, and I was impatient and upset. These feelings caused me to lash out and make hasty decisions that have lasting consequences. My hasty decisions will cause the alternatives to be destroyed in the process. I may have been able to slow down in some moments, to realize the answer is right here in front of me. I don't need to change anything except my perception. I was blinded by TikTok brain and a fuzzy filter that had me catching the negative in the world. I was noticing everything that was wrong, and the excuse was that I was trying to help. Helpful and critical are different, and I leaned toward the second camp more often. I was dismissive and could use words that made people feel less than. My helpful criticism became toxic because there was always something to critique, it was never good enough, how could it be if the first and most detailed comment is the critique? Any compliments are brief and overshadowed about, yeah good, but if you want great... Actions could never be good enough. This takes a toll over time, chipping away at the spark and joy, it sows doubt and casts a shadow over the person and their actions, questioning every move. No way to live.

This brings me to the next point about the current pain being experienced. This is not the pain of loss. This is the pain of hurting someone I love. I debated for a while if this was just the ego being hurt that she left. I decided it wasn't that because the feeling came most deeply when I thought about how my actions were hurtful and how abandoned she must have felt in that moment when I left her alone. The thought of this brings me to my knees, tears pouring down my face, begging for forgiveness, because I understand and feel that pain of being alone, hurting caused by the one person who was supposed to be a safest place. I think of how much that must have hurt, and I cry more. I am so sorry for doing all those things that would make anyone feel that way, in this world and every other one (maybe not every other one, some universes get pretty weird lol).

I questioned whether this was ego because I am hurting about the inability to apologize and make this right. That has the potential to be ego because I might want to not feel like I'm not good enough. That might not be worded correctly. The ego and not feeling good enough are not the same, and that's not it. The ego is the part that feels offended that she would think negatively of me and wants to be thought of better. Maybe the ego is the part that wants me to feel better, and the loving part is the one that wants her to feel better. I'm not sure on this matter. It might require a bit more thought on how these concepts parse out in the nuanced and complex patterns playing out. The other question is whether I've just become a man on a mission, and if that mission were ever accomplished, would I be satisfied with the victory? Would the reward of building that life be worth it? To this last one, I emphatically say yes; no doubts here. Would I treat the mission as accomplished and move on? That's the one I'm getting to. The idea that there is an end to this. The game is the goal; the journey our only focus. I am winning so long as I am still playing.

Back to what's bothering me: I don't have an opportunity to connect and repair with the only one who can connect and repair this matter. Does this become a scar, or can it be healed without leaving a lasting mark? My instinct tells me both are possible, both with the other and alone. I always get back to what I choose to believe as true. I've been spouting that nonsense for years. I say nonsense because I can't make sense of how my belief in what's real has the power to shape reality. That's not me being magical or all about the energy wave of the universe, but the common thread of prayer and meditation throughout all spiritual belief systems, and a good code of moral conduct in treating others, they would all point me to the faith in the divine.

I think that last part got a little rambly, but maybe some information was conveyed. Learning is both confusing and hard at times.