I had a perfect picture of it last night and this morning. I did it again. I got upset with someone because they were not allowing me to exit a conversation. Of sorts... They didn't do anything. It was me who chose to stay in that conversation. I felt some obligation, and I was asking to be allowed to go to bed. The response was "one more question." The question was about how they can understand their partner in their relationship.

(sidenote: I am not giving context for this because the context doesn't matter, my behavior doesn't have to be context dependent). (another sidenote: the context probably does matter for recognizing the pattern). (more sidenote: I really don't like how this was framed as abuse, I just did it again, and that's not abuse, that's me being irritable and raising my voice to try and get to the end of it, poorly explaining how this situation is driving me mad and practically begging and yelling for it to stop. That's self defense without any other way of knowing how to do it. It's rude and inconsiderate and pushes people away, but abuse is really something different from that.). Enough sidenotes...

That question I was asked turned out to have a great answer. The question was what to do when their partner is in some mood. The answer is simple: leave them alone. It appears hard for someone in that position to just let their partner be alone. It seems as though the person wants to be there and help and they are just engaging in a conversation. The person who is me must have some sense of self-awareness to recognize what is going on. The situation could be addressed, and then ended until the situation changes for that person. This is the more difficult road. Each one is trying to be with the other, and the being together is doing the hurting to both of them. Neither one has the ability to let this instant go, so they can come back together after processing. I need the time to process. I need to be alone, and I asked for what I needed this morning. This was my inability to ask for what I needed. I thought I couldn't ask, same as the other person who couldn't ask for what they wanted or needed in that moment. I see something so clearly now. I also see how others don't have the full picture.

People have given me their thoughts. I am afraid that the other person has people in their ear "helping" them to get through this. They threw the whole thing away because of latching onto fears projected from others. I did this same thing recently in some of my writing, latching on whole cloth to the ideas of others. I would love nothing more than to repair what was broken. I talk to friends and they build me up, and they give me context, they tell me that was abuse. I get to thinking through it, and I'm like, "oh yeah, that was abuse, that was manipulation, that was controlling, that was all that..." And then I sit and write through the things, and I get all wrapped up in this OMG moment of "realization" it all makes so much sense not, I was the victim of abuse and being trapped in a situation. I don't like that. I don't agree. I write about it, and I try to process. I don't know what to think. The thought that protects me and helps me move on, that thought paints the other in a light that isn't fair. It doesn't allow them the chance to understand it. The conclusion is that person is an abuser. That person isn't mature enough. That person is me. That person is them. The "friends" don't know shit about how the realtionship played out. They don't get to ask this other person their side. The person is left to defend themselves or to accept it. They are not given anuy opportunity before the decision is made. This whole thing gets confusing about who is who, but read again, it becomes clear that the "person" is both, and the "friends" are full of shit. They only see the devastating effect on the person. They see how broken this person has become. they want to help, and their help might help in some way. But it does not help to heal the relationship. The "friends" drive a wedge that must now be overcome. Professional help, together, is what would be needed if the relationship is to continue.

I don't want to talk about it anymore. She was the sunshine in my life. My bubbly wife. Everyone else tries to tell me how bad she was for me. I trust in our ability to stop the world and be with each other. Let all that shit go. It's over. Why am I continuing to try? Why do I do this to myself? I thought I was better because I had classified it as abusive and controlling. With that label, it becomes easy, it becomes an escape. It becomes a place where friends can celebrate me and my choice as dodging a bullet and getting out early.

One minute I love, the next it's abuse. One is respect, the other is disrespect. The mind struggles to understand. I am too damn strong headed to accept someone else's classification of her. I yelled at someone for insulting my wife's character. I also bought it hook line and sinker that the other person was going to hurt me. I got all this when I was told to be careful because the other person might do something to harm me. Their fears that the other person would hurt may be projections and they will hurt me. I don't believe it, but I need to protect myself because it's not something that is ever seen coming. I heard this. Me. About them. Funny, indeed. Apparently... Apparently, the same things were said about me. And it just makes all the sense in the world when that "friend" tells me about their experience and how their learning has told them to watch out for those exact red flags.

Fuck me. This is ridiculous. The beauty was there. The trust and safety was there, until someone came along and told me it wasn't. I believed them. I'm just shaking my head. I am powerless. The only thing I can do is write. Let it sit for a bit. Come back to it with a sober mind. The craziness of love doesn't have to be so crazy. Fucking "friends" with their own issues have painted over my love and made it a fucking mess of abuse and control. That is not at all how it went down. Only two people know the truth. Everyone else is out of context, protecting, projecting, and they don't know shit.

For all my readers, I hope you can find your own truth. I am on the path to finding mine.