I've had a change of heart in the recent past. I changed to believe that the past does not have to be on repeat, and I do not have to show up as the same person I was when it started. I can heal, and I can grow. I am enough. These are the words I tell myself when I want to provide encouragement, but they aren't the words I use when I'm in the worst of moods.

When I get feeling like I'm being attacked, instead of being defensive, I investigate the feeling, remind myself that I am safe, and I ground myself with deep belly breathing. I tell myself I am allowed to have these emotions, I am welcome to experience these feelings, I am safe, I am loved. The feelings are there for a reason, some part of me is feeling threatened. The situation may just be reminiscent of a time where I did experience danger, but this is not that time. I breathe to remind myself that I am safe, I identify the emotion and welcome it. I give space for the emotions to exist, and I provide safety and compassion. These actions allow me to maintain control. This is how I act maturely and without letting the emotions wreck me, or those in my warpath.

The secret to not repeating the pattern is recognizing where it comes from. I am doomed to repeat the past until I have learned all of its lessons. The pattern that's been on repeat is incredibly frustrating, and the advice that I received before has only caused the tide to go out, with its inevitable return looming. Sometimes beating it back was successful, and that's the problem, it's a temporary solution. It is not how to handle these memories, and it does not allow healing and acceptance from the memories. Forgetting is not possible. I may forget the explicit memory, but the implicit memories are imprinted on the brain in a different way, hidden landmines.

The way I have learned to heal and break the cycle is to embrace all of myself. To show compassion for myself is to allow myself to be, not being mad at me, slowing down, stopping the rush to the finish line, allowing the time to feel, to be. I am seeing the benefits of moving through this, and it doesn't run away from the emotion, it's not mad at the emotions for being in the way, it is a recognition that the emotions are the way, and this is the journey, something to be savored and enjoyed, even through the rain.

I was mad at the rain. That's a different story, and a different thread to pull. I wanted to say it because it highlights the absurdity of how I approached the minor annoyances of life. I am no longer mad at the rain. It doesn't matter if it rains, and any minor inconvenience is vastly overshadowed by the benefits and the reprieve from the sun. It gives me a chance to slow down. Red lights, some might call them. Pause, reflect, and think through where I'm going.

Today, I received advice on how to move on and how to deal with the tough times. I will share the advice and then my feelings about it. The advise was, whenever I get sad I should focus on 5 things that are good. List 5 things that are good. Then the implication is that thinking of the five things would get rid of the hurt. My guess is this behavior just refocuses the brain on good things and it ignores the sadness. The emotions that arose get pushed to the side with affirmations, gratitude, and mantras; this is the toxic positivity we've spoken about. This is a real life version of the advice from someone who cares so deeply, they want only to see me happy. They are trying to shortcut me to happiness, with all of the best intentions. My feelings about it: I don't like this approach; I have used this approach and advised others to use this approach. I see now how it dismisses the feelings and pushes them to the side. So, when I'm sad and hurting, I just think positive thoughts and forget the negative things, nothing's wrong, everything is great, look at all the good stuff.... That road is one I've traveled for some time now. It's a roundabout. I keep coming back to the same point. I say I want closeness, then I push it away. I got better at covering up and being patient, but I was tested by the greatest test, and I failed. Okay, I've learned the actual lessons this time, and I'm ready to retake the test LOL.

No, no, no, slow down. We're not ready to take the test again. I am ready to take practice tests and build some trust in the process. That does not mean date other women, just to be clear. I get the opportunity to not be upset at life's little annoyances every day. I get to talk to strangers on the phone and listen to their stories. These are daily experiences that give me the opportunity to practice. These are my practice tests, my daily interactions. This change starts with how I treat myself through the day. It spreads to the next person I interact with.

Genuineness is contagious. I had an opportunity to express my actual feelings with a couple people today. They asked how I was doing, and I was honest. In return, they listened and cared for me. They expressed true compassion. They didn't rush to the end, they didn't pull me off task, they allowed me to be. One of them even opened up about their own situation. I got to hear a tale that made mine sound simple. I got to see how I am one of the lucky ones, and this was as easy as it gets. I got lucky that nothing went terribly wrong. It was a mild form of what could be. That is a testament to who we are. We finally came together and treated each other the way we both wanted the whole time; the best we've ever been for the final days.

I stopped fighting what I couldn't change. I am practicing acceptance. Even if I believe someone else is making a wrong decision, I don't have to jump in. They don't need saving. I'm not even equipped to save people, and I gotta stop trying to help every person that comes across my path, to a fault, to my own detriment. This is some crusades logic. This inability to say no could stem from some people pleasing tendencies. I could use some digging into this people pleasing thing. I wonder why I do that when I know that I am good enough. Oh, there it is. I didn't feel like I was enough so I kept doing more of what I know. I was chasing the praise because I couldn't give it to myself. By healing that part of me, accepting with compassion and safety, allowing myself to exist as a whole, I am able to break the cycle of people pleasing. I was able to get away from the surface level problems of people pleasing with some positive thinking, but the deeper stuff wasn't affected by the constant positivity. These little tips and tricks to switch the attention to something other than the hurt are the easy way. Three Easy Steps...

We'll have to come back to these thoughts. This needs time to cook. This learning is hard stuff...