I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be part of the family that I felt I had been taken in by. I wanted to talk to her because I'm hurting. I thought a little closeness would help. I am kicking myself for being so weak as to not being able to leave it alone. I can't give up on this, that's the thought at least. I would do anything, but what can I do. I make myself known and show my soft sides, exposing the softness is scary, and it has only gotten me so far. There's a part of me that says this whole exercise has been designed to teach me something.

I'm going to distract myself from this with a friend and a video game. Maybe that will help.

Now that this has had time to settle, and my nerves are less shaken to the core. I don't understand how these waves of emotions come flooding in at times, with the urge to just be held and to talk to a loved one for care, and the moments where it feels unbearable, and it's in those moments where breathing is helping me. I am not sure if I have successfully given space, and I wonder about that because it could seem that by allowing access to the private thoughts and reaching out to other people in her life is not giving space. I guess I had this thought of wanting to be understood or to speak and be felt for how I experience and how I long for the chance to make it better.

But alas, that will not do. I have been writing letters, and I'm not sure if any of what I'm doing counts as space. I don't believe the letters have arrived. But that'll be interesting. I am beginning to understand how the wound needs time to heal because I have sensitivities that arise when I see the name or picture or I write these things or any little thing that feels like a contact with her is prolonging what she wants to be finished with and what is hurting me. Moving into acceptance is a big step. I don't believe I'm there yet. Baby steps. Big breaths.

We have shared this difficult learning journey to this point, and it is time that I venture alone into the next portion of this journey. I know I will find it difficult, and I know I may end up crying on the floor again. That feels like part of the journey to get to the other side. I will do what I can, but let's see where I am next month, after some time to get with myself and get this health and head right. I know this is what's best for me. The space will do me some good.

I wish luck to all those learners who have traveled with me. I am still here, still learning, still the hard way.