Sort of... First, there are a few work items that need to be taken care of. I need to clean up some of the things, and then we'll be clear to move on.
Although, part of this plan includes a yoga practice. I have dabbled and half-assed doing any meaningful yoga for a couple years now. I missed an incredible opportunity with a private yoga teacher. She was good, and she is driven to learn everything possible to be the best and at the top of her game. She had incredible techniques, and she would even work with me on movement so I could know how to understand what I should be doing with my body. She has a special way of making it engaging and personal for every student. Sometimes I felt it was just for me even in a crowded class.
I would feel so terrible because I was bad at yoga and in pain a lot so I couldn't do stuff, and I would make audible heavy breathing because of the pain, and I felt so bad that she might think something was wrong with the class. But it was just me, and I hated being a distraction. I love her classes, and they are incredibly challenging for me because I am so limited. Even the basic class feels like a stretch at my level. Looking at this one level higher, I see how my self-consciousness got in the way. I didn't like not being able to do it. I felt inadequate, so I stuck to what I was good at. She can teach me so much, and somehow I got too busy and too much in my head about what I was doing and justified it because it was what was going to get us there. Oh, there is so much to be learned from this. I somehow thought what I was doing had importance because it was making money. I was wrong. 100% wrong. She is right. I got too much in my stress and my head and got blinded to what was important. Why did we ever leave where we were? Why did it have to be everything, all at once? I need to listen to her and take her advice. Every time I do, it turns out great. I thought I knew better. Boy, was I wrong...
The beautiful part about this is what we can do moving forward. I met a gentleman named Bob today. He sat down next to me at the high-top counter where they seat singles at this restaurant. He told me he was interested in skydiving now, and he wouldn't have been interested when his wife was alive. He is now considering it. Just like he spent a bunch of money and suped up a Jeep for off-roading. He is 72yrs old. He explained to me that he isn't as afraid of skydiving now because if something happens, he can go be with her. If she was looking down right now, she'd be wondering what he was thinking. He told me there was a reason he and I met today. He said there are two things in life we can control, our actions and our reactions. There is no such thing as coincidence. We met for a reason today. He wasn't a big believer before his wife died, but he's starting to see evidence that there must be some higher power in this universe putting things in place for our benefit. I told him a bit about myself. In the end, he left me with this gem: if she's the one, then she's the one, and nothing else matters. I left him with my card and said to call me when he goes skydiving, I want to hear all about it. I really look forward to hearing from Bob. No such thing as coincidence.
I talked to another friend today who gave me more incredible wisdom. I might just be asking and listening more now. This is an interesting shift in getting advice and perspective. I'm digging it. But here's the sage wisdom, if you're going into it with ulterior motives, it's tainted and won't give the benefit; if you're going in with baggage from the past, it can cloud the experience and distract the mind; it would be advisable to go in fresh and pure, without any prior connection and without any distracting thoughts. That's good stuff. I'll be incorporating that advice in to other decisions as well. My purest intention is to be husband of the year, and eventually be father of the year. With these newfound communication skills (i.e., asking with earnest curiosity and listening with devoted intent), I will be a much better candidate for the aforementioned annual awards.
I aspire to be a family man. Perhaps not in the conventional 1950's style, but an active and engaged dad with an incredible depth of caring and compassion. I see myself as the gentle and fun father who guides his children through the wilderness of the world, teaching them how manage in this crazy world. It is the journey I am currently going that qualifies me to be that man. The self-discovery and healing are essential elements to calming this anxious mind. I have wounds from the past that I didn't know existed, and they were so painful that I was in denial about them, and I had a protective mechanism of feigned strength through anger or argument or defense or logic, all with the goal of protecting the child inside from experiencing those implicit memories that have been unknowingly brandished in the mind to influence behavior unconsciously and ruinously causing drama and harm and a refusal to listen or see things in a way that would reveal the scared child hiding under this wolf's clothing, pretending to not be afraid, while constantly afraid of being found out as actually fearful of removing the mask and touching the wounds beneath that have sat untouched for so long that a shell has formed around the body and a protective defense mechanism kicks into play whenever threatened with being seen for who he really is.
I spent time today in sadness. Without giving judgmental language on that statement, like I wanted to, I say it's okay. I was given permission from myself and from others to allow the feelings to come out. WTF is that?! I don't know that life. I'm allowed to cry and be sad and not be okay??? Why didn't anyone tell me this before? C'mon guys... this feels like a joke. You're joking, right? I was always taught to shut up, don't cry, be a man about it, I'll give you something to cry about, is it broken, ain't nothing wrong with you, stop crying, pussy, etc. Yeah, those statements ring through my head when I cry because I'm supposed to be a man, and men don't cry. I know it to be the opposite now, real men cry. Because real men feel deeply for their fellow man, and those feelings sometimes manifest in tears because of sadness or joy or pain or ecstasy. There are many reasons for tears, and they are all okay. The idea I propose today is to be there for one another through these moments. I don't have to do this alone, and neither does she, nor my children, nor my friends, nor Bob. We are all having a collective human experience, and we can make it a better experience by allowing ourselves to feel human emotions and share those feelings with others in true connection.
That's my new theory. The question is how to live it out. I have a few answers for this question because I've been learning and listening. I can recognize my stressors and understand how moments can activate implicit memories of hurt, and that reaction can come to mind in an instant, but the safe and secure self makes a decision much slower than the reactive, and especially when the reaction and wounds are unknown or hidden. It takes others to help point this out at first; well, it did for me. I was dumb and thought I was fine, everyone else had the problem. That made me laugh out loud to type it hahaha! I am an idiot sometimes. Good news, I don't have to remain an idiot.
Part of the work for me involves going through childhood experiences and remembering what it was like. I can't change what happened, but I can heal from it, I can be less sensitive to those areas, and thereby becoming less and less reactive, and with the right help, this process is rich and rewarding for all relationships. I can tell that little boy that I am here for him. I care for him. He has many people that care for him. Look around and trust those people to be there for you. Extend that faith and trust, and it will be reciprocated. The current issue may be attributed to the tardiness of this information and way of being, but better late than never...
Oh, excellent songs: Jason Mraz album "YES! (Commentary)"
- 3 things
- You can rely on me
- A world with you
- Best friend
- Quiet
- Love someone
- Hello, beautiful thing
- Long drive
- Out of my hands (listen to the commentary, it might be applicable to your own experience)
- It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
The first song was shared with me. The album is going on repeat. The songs speak to me, and the commentary adds something to the listening experience. So definitely listen to the commentary.
There are no words when I'm with you. We can dance into tomorrow.
I have learned a lot about myself. I need to protect my space. I am no good to anyone when I am trying to be everything to everyone. I put myself in a position where I forced stress and it was too much for me. I broke. I hit a wall, as they might say. I snapped and took it out on the ones I love. I feel so terrible for not relying on those who care about me, not recognizing that I was struggling and not being willing to ask for help for the fear of being seen as weak or a failure. I couldn't bring myself to ask, and the fear manifested itself as anger to cover itself, protect itself. I got the advice from a book to ask those voices that speak in my head, what are you protecting me from? These voices jump in to tell me not to say something or do something because they are trying to protect me from pain, from hurting. They are scared because of past experiences and the engrained conditioning of what is expected or right or how I learned to do it without even learning directly but only through observation, or lack thereof. I struggle to remember examples where I felt cared for. I seem to remember telling my mom to "cut the cord" and I'm fine, don't worry about me. That's been my mantra, and it has protected me, but it has also hindered me from experiencing genuine connection with another human being. I have a favorite person who could be this other human being 😉
Also, I got good at half-assing this connection thing. Faking it with surface connection that lasts for a short time. I may have even gotten better and shared more, but the protectors still fear for my safety and attempt to protect me by throwing up the walls when it really matters and sharing a life together through our pain, supporting each other, and allowing myself to experience the fear and share that and connect on that experience. She can support me and make my mind calmer, when I trust her enough to share. I can do the same for her, with those upgraded communication skills and beginning to heal from the past.
It's been an emotional day. I wrote so many messages and deleted them, except that one accidental one! HAHAHA Aw shit! I was trying, man. Deleted it in time, but I feel like I got caught lol. I am just a hopeless little boy who wants to play with his best friend 🙂
We're learning, still hard...