I look back on this writing, and I see why I never posted this one. This was a rant of emotion that tried to justify and defend, making up a version of events that fits a superior narrative with all the trappings of victim and helpless. I do see a few good pieces in this writing, but I mostly see despair and desperation. Like, "nuh-uh, I didn't want it anyways!" Little kid trying not to cry while walking away with pursed, quivering lips, hurt from the rejection, trying to protect himself from the rejection by taking control of the situation. This is where writing and waiting and rereading can lend to analysis of thought for the purpose of reflection. I believe I have forgotten lessons I once knew. How to be a nice, caring, interested person. When did I lose that? How did I get so wrapped up in the nonsense as to slip so far??

Beating myself up here isn't going to get the result. That probably just perpetuates the problem. (I'm about the alliteration these days). This is where I can recognize that hiding my fears and keeping them secrets and not recognizing limits and burn out. That's core to who I am because of the scared little boy that lashes out. That's why just yelling at the little boy for covering things up isn't the way to handle it. I give compassion and caring, loving security and safety to allow the fears to come out so they can be addressed instead of remaining secrets that boil over into unmanageable situations. I can trust others and ask them for help. This is what she was trying to do. How did I miss that? Why did I try to keep it all a secret and pretend like there's nothing wrong, I'm fine, I got this, leave me alone so I can do this, ahhhhh, I'm trying to get all this done and I don't know what all of it is and things keep popping up, leave me alone so I can figure it out on my own... Yeah... Sound familiar?

That's wrong. It causes corrosion and erodes away until one day the breaking point is reached and something drastic happens that shakes up the whole earth in such a massive way, the literal continents are exchanged because of the severity of the situation. And a part of me can't help but feel left alone with the same feeling of overwhelm. That's an emotion that comes up. I am handling it by lessening work and lessening commitments. It is a clean up, but each item achieved results in one less thing to think about, and my mind is at ease a tiny fraction in the right direction. The focus has been cut things out and focus. That's two focuses, double focus!

I'm learning, I'm growing, growing pains, learning pains, either way, it's hard.

Here's that hurt child. Please don't judge me too harshly for having these thoughts 😉

Another quick note before, I just read it again. It's not too bad, just a couple sentences make me cringe. I can't say I agree with how it's all written, but there's a simple quality of truth that feels very surface level. Here goes...

This is an endless loop of thoughts just convincing me that she's perfect and convincing me that she is absolutely not the person I need to be with, and she absolutely is the person I thought she was when I met her. She's the one. She's not the person she wants to be, and she will become that person through time and support. I didn't support her in that, and I will regret that one. The pain will lessen, and time will do what time does, healing the wounds.

I have been destroyed by this woman, and I can't seem to get on top of things. Who do I celebrate with now????

I got mad at her for not thinking she could talk to me. I would tell her that she could talk to me, and then when she would talk to me I wouldn't be listening, not really. I was trying to fix the problem quickly and move on to making her happy. She didn't understand that, and it appeared as if I didn't care, but in reality I cared entirely too much and I couldn't stand her being in pain, and then I got numb to it because it was happening all the time.

All of her reasons are her reasons, and they are valid and true. It's just good that she left me, because I couldn't think of a way to leave her. I could only think of a future with her where we get to the other side of the mess. We were on our way to easy living. The saying goes, don't quit before the miracle happens. What if I told the truth? What if I said those things? Nobody knows what that is because it's secrets. I have been struggling with secrets, and I really don't have anyone to trust now. I can't really trust her.