There are certain habits that I enjoy. Such as texting good morning and goodnight. Those are staples of a relationship. I type these out still. Even if there's no one on the other end of the texts, I am still typing the text. I don't know if this is just me holding on to a thought or if it is me strengthening my caring muscles. I think about others and how I can be there for them. Typing these texts keeps me thinking about others.

The other thing I want to mention today is how I didn't know I had it in me. I cried. Deeply. I wailed and moaned in agony and distress, my heart is gone, an empty space fills my chest where love once inhabited. I search for the love that existed in that space, and I only find echoes in the emptiness. I screamed, I yelled, I fell down while my body shook uncontrollably. I cried out for help, and no one came to my rescue. I pleaded with the emptiness, and I begged for another chance at love. I am lost in this pain, and I cannot seem to find the way out. How do I make this right, how do we heal? In my pleadings, I asked questions to the universe with the emotions to back it up. I made statements and confessions of love and pain. I promise to be nice. I promise to listen. I promise my all. The one I loved the most was hurt by my actions.

She checks all the boxes. That means she is perfect. She is a 10 out of 10. The best there ever was. Until I met this woman, no other person had touched my soul in such a way. My mind went to our children, and in the past, I thought I might not want children. But that changed at some point, and when I met her and we discussed the idea, my heart fell in love with the idea of having a family of our own, specifically with this particular beautiful, smart lady. She scares me so much because I would give everything for the ones I love. I would take my whole life and focus it in the direction of growing and building a sturdy foundation for our future.

I want to play. I lost this, and I stopped having fun; I was doing it wrong!!!

The idea that I detest is that being apart is for the best. I would agree that we needed a reset. We needed a change. I was too deep in the stress and mess that I was just reacting to everything. I was so scared of not having enough to care for her that I poured myself into making more money and doing more so we might not have to worry. My understanding is that this left her feeling alone because I was off working and focused on other things. It appeared as if I didn't care, when the opposite was true, I cared too much, about the wrong things, due to my failed communication, and it can be attributed to both of our styles clashing. I fought so hard because I didn't want to be weak. I kept strong and stoic. But this was a mistake. I understand now that I didn't make it clear how much she meant to me. My actions made me appear cold and distant. I didn't want to show how scared I was, so I kept it to myself and put on a happy face, whistled my way through the struggle. I lied to myself and convinced myself that this was just temporary, we chose this, we can do this, the path is worth it, we just have to get through this period to the other side. My biggest mistake here was trying to get to the other side by myself and letting her get there by herself, while we just exist in this tumultuous life next to each other.

A whole new side of me has been revealed, and the wound is fresh. The healing has not completed, and the simple act of touching the hurt writhes with pain. I need to be held by her. I don't want to call anyone else. I only like her. Everybody else sucks.

On that thought, everyone else sucks, I am told this is not true. Friends have encouraged me to see the hope in the future. There are relationships that last for years and teach us things about ourselves, but that end and leave us with the pain of lost love, but also with something more for the future. This would be easier to think about if I had anything bad to say about her. I justified prior breakups because those people really sucked. They weren't as smart or as pretty or as wise or as perfect as this special lady. We were growing up together. I acted like a hurt little kid and justified my actions because I wasn't being sad, but rather being mad. Apparently.... I'm just hopelessly in love.

I will go somewhere to clear my head. I can't be at home very long, and I can't be away from home for very long. For the same reason, it holds the memories of our life. Those are my most precious memories and my greatest times with you. I am madly in love, crazy in love, wildly in love, and I only want to tell everyone about my amazing wife. But today, when someone asks about her, I go silent, can't speak, and begin to shed tears while trying to keep my composure. I don't remember ever feeling like this before. I'm glad to have found my sensitive side, my soft side. I'm sad to have found it because I lost something else. The question becomes, had I found it earlier, could she have seen me, held me, loved me through the hurt. Or would I have pushed it away.

Don't believe what you read on the internet about things being easy... Learning ain't easy, kids; it's hard.