I made all the mistakes, and I am on the verge of realization of consequences. I messed up the information because I was distracted and rushed. I am trying to be to fast; I am trying to take the shortcut. I want to skip to the good part. Let's sing a song:

Have I done my best here, or will I be here next year, or are these my best years yet?

Was looking forward to being important, but I'm not important, yet.

If you put this scene on a movie screen, is it called a happy end.

If the world gets me where I'm supposed to be, will I know I've made it then?

It's so hard.

Can we skip to the good part?

credit: AJR

I am asking that same question. Can we skip this part and get to the good part? I thought the good part would be now. I had a plan for greatness. And in the end, it was with fear that the plan fell apart. If those were the good parts, what are we still searching for? Is it a replacement? Should I be looking for another pursuit. People seem to have life figured out, and I'm still figuring it out.

Don't you love it, no I ain't happy yet, but I'm way less sad. Am I less sad? I don't want to cry anymore, so I will find something to love. I can love myself. That feels a bit on the narcissistic side LOL.

Music is fun. It allows me to feel in a different way. I can take the story from the song and see how my life fits with the story. That's cool. Books do the same. This is what I'm noticing in reading this new book about this wife. I am reading this and wondering if the feelings were what a certain someone was experiencing. The book was theirs, and I have to wonder how many of the sentiments in this book were felt by that reader. I am putting myself in the shoes of the protagonist. Her life seems to be a boring mix of housewife duties, chores, dinner parties, and banal activities that people are just supposed to do. I never envisioned our life to be like that. I didn't want a housewife. I want a partner. In reality, I'd rather be a house husband and do all the house chores and cooking super good. She can go to work LOL.

I will discuss the email that I'm not sending. It was relevant to something, but it placed a burden on the receiver. I don't need the access just yet. If I don't tell her, she won't know, she won't have to worry about it, and she won't have to do anything. I can deal with the consequences. It was my fault there was a problem at all. I can't believe that I messed that up so bad. I also have a hard time understanding why it was such a problem from the beginning. It's all good. Nothing to worry about. It'll work itself out.

I need help. I don't know how to live life with people. I want to be alone, but alone with you. I want to be with someone, but I don't even like people. People suck. They don't really seem to care. But wait a minute, what is "seeming to care"? What action would show me that they do care? I want them to cry with me. I want them to tell me that they understand how hard it is. I want them to ask me what I need. I would tell them that I need to be held by someone who loves me and wouldn't judge me for just being a crying mess. I'm walking around just holding back tears, except in moments where there's distraction, and the distraction's novelty wears off, and the tears are on the verge again.

What if I disappeared for a couple months and wrote a book?

Where would I go? What would the book be about?

What if I stayed drunk until I forgot about the tears? (Don't think this works in the long term)

When I get the feeling that I should be holding back and keeping secrets about my personal life, that's the moment to stop, feel, and choose to share. I feel fear because I have been conditioned to believe that no one can be trusted. They will use the information against me. I don't trust people.

For good reason though, people have proven themselves untrustworthy. Even the folks who say they care, they will not tell us the hard truths because they are afraid of hurting feelings or being disliked. I am sorry if the truth hurts, but that's actually my fault. The truth doesn't have to hurt. It's when I'm not being listened to, I switch gears to a more serious tone so they understand the import. Although I've had some success with this technique, it doesn't work with a wife.

Learning... So damn hard...