The thoughts are there, and I will allows them to be. I don't need to react to those thoughts. I don't have to do anything with the thoughts.

I can dream. Dream with me, sweetheart.

I dream of a morning, waking up next to my beautiful wife. I dream of an evening, falling asleep with my beautiful wife.

I don't know how to fix things. It's a problem I run into daily. I run into the wild without the necessary knowledge and playing like I have confidence, but I'm just faking it. I have no idea what I'm doing. Because of the unknown, I find myself it a tough spot. But that is nothing compared to the spot she's in. I want nothing more than to be with my wife and hear about her day. It will take another 40yrs before I figure this out, but then I'm gonna be old and dead soon. I am running out of time. I wasted these pst years in selfish pursuits. I am dedicating my life to service.

This is me just rambling without sense. I realize this. I ramble often about these topics because my mind runs on overdrive and repeat for the things echoing in my head that she told me I wasn't good.

I'm sorry. I forgive you. I love you.

That was an attempt at self-forgiveness, self-love.

People have told me that I'll have more money and freedom now, and to those people I say, "that's not important, she is important." My fears creep into my head when I say this. My fear says, "you can't have any of that if you don't have money." My fear says, "she doesn't understand what it's like to be in constant fear of poverty." My fear says, "if she finds out that you're just making this up as you go, she's gonna leave you. Don't let her in, she'll leave you. Don't tell her the problem, the problem will go away and she doesn't have to know I am weak and scared, because then she would leave me."

I have an immense amount of stress that I don't know how to handle. I have coping mechanisms but I also truly feel the solution is to change my life. I am just rearranging chairs on the Titanic at this point. I am doing better at this thing, but the thing is failing me. The better I am at that thing, the worse it gets. I get deeper, there are more calls, more people that need me, more stuff that's urgent, more responsiblity, more deadlines, and the phone's ringing again, you gonna get that, you gonna call them back, you gonna actually do anything or will you just sit around and be sad the whole time. Now I'm borderline being mean to myself. This is how I was taught to do this. It has worked for me. I am starting to see how it was effective at getting one result, but in getting that result, I threw away all the good stuff with it.

I couldn't tell you to go to therapy. I brought it up in the past, and it caused problems. I would have definitely paid for it. I pray for you to be better. I ask the universe to heal you. I ask that you be safe. May you be safe. May you be healthy. May you be happy. May you be loved. I am doing compassionate meditations and putting the vibrations into the universe that she will be okay.

I want my wife to be happy. If her happiness is found without me, I have to accept that for her. Her happiness is all I want. She finally told me what I had to do to give her that. It's the one thing I didn't want to give: space. Sometimes I say I want space, but it's closeness I need. There's a song called One Winged Airplane, and that line is in the song. Even if I put my all in, it's not enough. Our boy was singing about a feeling, but it cannot be taken to define his entire life. He is still going, and he is becoming more, so he might reach a point of being enough.

Once again, bunch of words later, nothing resolved. I need connection and healing with her. I need closeness. All by myself, I can't find closeness. I don't find closeness in most people. I only want it with one person. I want to tell her all my stories. I want to share all my theories. I want to be there for her in the way she needs. I can't know that unless I ask questions and she tells me.

There's the next part of hard learning.