Echoes persist in the mind, and moments recur, settling into new aspects of what it once was. These are just words without much meaning. The curse of the echo is something I have come to know intimately.

But we won't continue down the nonsense road. Today's writing is a bit more concrete than the high-minded words that began our discussion. I would say this is a turning point. Every day is the opportunity for a turning point. If I had a better crystal ball, I could tell the future. It would let me know all the possibilities that were missed of my choices. Big moments of change are obvious. The end of a relationship because someone determines that I'm not good enough and I never will be.

That's an extreme version to think of anyone. I know full well that people are capable of change.

I suppose I should just type the thoughts because otherwise I am blocked. I am going back and forth with how to live my life. I don't like people. They all suck. I know that's not true. But it's about 95% true. I found a few people that I like. It is upsetting when those people don't like me. And that brings me to the courage to be disliked.

I had that courage and I felt confident in myself because I had someone that loved me. That person left. Now, how do I reconcile that? How does it make sense that this person loves me more than any other person and yet they don't want to be around me? That's a hard one to understand. For me, when I love someone, I am there, no matter what, I'm sticking around. I say that, and I have a feeling of disagreement with the statement. I stick around, but no I don't. Or do they not stick around? I can't tell because I'm standing by myself, and it doesn't feel like a choice.

I only want you to be the person you said you were, the person who sticks around and sees it through. Now my fear is creeping in. I can't say these things because they cause offense. It implies that the other person is not a person who stays. It doesn't matter at this point. She's gone. Apparently, I'm the cause of all the troubles.

I hate the idea of not having a wife and family. That feels like failure. I feel like I've failed my whole life. Got it all wrong, as I might say. But I don't know that. I have so many people telling me that I'm good, I can't tell anymore and I don't trust myself. I am shattered by this, and I have lost my confidence. I thought I was doing so much for her, and it turns out I was all wrong and I can't trust myself. I gave everything. I gave her my life. I had just gotten used to being hers, to being us, to being a selfless husband who cares in the way she wants to be cared for.

I can wonder if there's another person out there like this girl. Sort of, kind of, maybe. There's several billion other people, so it's possible. But I don't like that thought. I feel like I'm cheating on my wife when I try to plan life without her. My life is on hold right now, waiting for her to come back. Sort of hold. I'm still working and doing all that stuff, but I can't make plans. I have not been able to do anything that takes me away from being her husband. I've got a few months until I'm not her husband anymore legally. When I hear her side, it doesn't give me hope. I am not inspired with confidence. It is just the manifestation of my thoughts that she's gone. That sentence doesn't make sense. My thoughts wanna tell me to give up. Leave her alone, move on, she wasn't the one, she has her own stuff, she's better now, I'm better now, and life is easier now. Too bad non of those things are true. Just because it runs through my head, doesn't make it true. My head is telling me these things out of fear of getting hurt. My head wants me to remember all the negative, the arguments, the disagreements. But I don't like that. I say back, there were so many good times. This woman made me feel special. We laughed together. We loved deeply. I gave her my life. Now, I miss her.

I was scared to scream. I didn't want others to know how I was suffering. They will judge me and dislike me. I do not have the courage to be disliked. That's why I have walls. It's safer because they don't know me, and they can't judge the real me. It hurts in a special way when they do know me and then they judge me as wanting.

Dude! Get over it! C'mon bro...

I hear you, but I do love her. It's hard to learn to know what to do.