I told myself that I was invincible that I didn't need anyone, and that she would probably leave. I wanted to act like that wouldn't affect me, like I was strong, but I am not like that. That is a twisted definition of strength, like some of us might get a twisted defintion of what a beautiful body is, I was like the anorexic trying to get skinny, but i was trying to eliminate that emotional connection. This makes it easy when people leave, like they inevitably will. This pessimistic view is not the way things go today. No one is truly gone, not until they die or ask me not to call them. People aren't leaving because I'm not scaring people away. They see me, and they choose to be around me. I choose to be around me. I like me, and I don't belittle and bully myself.

I was utterly broken when the woman I am married to tells me that she keeps an emergency fund in case she has to leave me. That stuck in my head. I said at the time that she definitely should. I also said that if she wants to leave, I would buy the plane ticket (and I think I did). Exactly what we focused on happened, the thing we focused on preventing, we steered right into it. She got to live out the fantasy she had of how she would leave me. She had been formulating that for a little while. Seems like she had the escape plan in place. Our point here is not figuring out her mind, the point is identifying the effect on me. I was left thinking she could leave me any minute. That stayed with me until the moment she left. I got to a point in my head where it was like, "well if I'm that bad then leave me already." That wasn't an explicit thought, it was more of a feeling. I see how I was living in fear. There was the fear of poverty, not being enough, losing a professional license, losing my wife, and all of those things were being dangled, and I wasn't sure why I had to question myself every day. I didn't even realize I was in the middle of it. I was somewhat a composed person in times of stress, but did I just give up. Throwing my hands up in desperation because there was nothing that could be done. I couldn't do anything; sex was a topic that we'll have to cover another time in depth, but, simply stated, I was feeling very inadequate there.

The only thing I could do right was make money. And when I made money, it upset her because she couldn't make money. So I felt a need to stop telling her about the successes and how I was meeting goals. She would be jealous of me hanging out with people.

I will also tell a story, and first say your interpretation was absolutely valid. I definitely see how what I said could easily be interpreted that way. What I meant though, was that someone that was being very friendly switched up and was no longer friendly. That was something I brought to you because I was feeling hurt by the sudden switch, and I was confused about why this might be the case. This was my insecurity, and I was expressing my thoughts to explore that with you. That's how I remember the intention, and I know I used all the wrong words and didn't convey the correct meaning, and I'm sorry I didn't clarify what was in my head. It's all about learning about the areas where I have insecurities and feeling safe enough to bring those to you so we can question them and see them for what they are, just thoughts trying to make sense and protect me. An unnecessary action in the mind, but allowable feelings. It just takes a minute of acceptance, meeting the feeling where it is, and inviting it to be here, ask it what needs. I do this for myself, and I do this for others.