I get a fear rising up inside me when things change financially, and there is a risk in place that I won't be able to meet financial obligations. I rose from bed last night because the fear was getting me, and I can only live for two months on the current cash levels, and nothing guaranteed. I do not have permanent employment that provides me sufficient income to cover my monthly expenses. I must work to get the money, and I have successfully done so to this point. But the change, it does something to my fear centers and my instinct is to throw myself into work and solve that financial problem. I am now paused. Not in the sense that I'm not doing anything, I'm paused on changes. I have gone through a few big changes, and these changes are worth it. I need to stick it out long enough to see the fruits. I am acknowledging the fear and giving it space to exist alongside me while I push forward. I don't have to solve it. I do need to make sure I keep my head about me and not do stupid stuff that lacks foresight. My impulsive actions are paused. I am stepping back and taking a wider view with my emotional response in view, but not in control. There is a safe space for the emotions to exist, and I can approach them with curiosity. I can kindly welcome them, thank them for bringing this up because it shows they care.

I am reminded of an instance where my business partner brought up a potential issue with taxes, and I brushed it off. My fatal mistake, which I don't do anymore, was being dismissive about her finding problems to bring up, and I made it about her getting in the way of things. I was so wrong, and it was the wrong way to handle this, and I skipped the part where I realize she is all about this thing and thinking through every aspect, and I could have welcomed her concerns with safety, and we could have taken a moment to discuss it, and we could have used it as a moment to connect, and I wish so much that I could have had the maturity and clarity to see that moment as an opportunity and not as a burden. I left the good unsaid, and I would only voice the changes I wanted to see, and I wouldn't do it correctly, I didn't give sufficient praise for her absolutely wonderful mind working hard on something it cares deeply about. I truly am sorry for ever instilling doubt. I handled the situation wrong in that instance. I can see it, and I am learning.

The feeling in the moment that delusionally justified itself was that I was in the middle of something else, and now I have to solve this, and I don't think this is a priority, and I'm mad because I feel like I am struggling to answer every question and address every concern that arises, and people only ask me for things, every conversation with someone is another problem I am asked to solve, and I see that she was concerned about it, so I dropped everything and did it for her, and my immature childish expression was that I expected gratitude, and that attitude led to the dismissive of her feelings because the hurt little boy who struggled to keep his head above water and juggle all these responsibilities and things that he doesn't know how to do and he's being asked to do another thing and figure this out too. That sentence rambled and ran on. That's the immature child voice, he doesn't really pause, he rambles about how he feels, and sometimes he wants to rage against the machine, but that's because he doesn't know how to handle it. The only tool I learned from my parents was to ignore and focus on the good things. Moving forward is good and all, and definitely yes, I do that. Where I am currently diverging from that path is how to sit with the emotions and give them space to exist. I am not trying to focus on the good. I am focusing on what's going on, not what I want to be going on. I am not angry because of the mismatch between desire and reality. In the past, I would definitely get angry. I would theorize this had something to do with my inability to handle the sadness or face the disappointment in a different way, a gentler way that invites connection. This approach invites healing. These are the applications in the little moments where it matters. It wasn't one big thing, it was an inherent flaw in how I approached situations, which turned out to be a learned and developed avoidant attachment that played out in relationships, and contributing to the cycle of relationships. Even when the relationship was awesome, could have been "perfect," I end up repeating the cycle unintentionally. Even after some work on self that got me gaslighting myself into believing that I didn't have to be sad, and the everything was actually good because look how I turned out, and if I can just remain positive, everything is okay. Ignore the sadness, ignore the fear, don't talk about it, look strong, act strong, don't show emotion, emotion is weakness. And those thought patterns are what kept me stuck. I am good, strong, and enough and I sit and cry for hours about sad things. I cry at sad movies. I feel connected to others when they share their hardships. My maladaptive techniques were not the cure, and I bought the bullshit I was selling. I saw some success in the material and external sense. I focused on the external and somehow thought the internal was good to go because look how good the external is. If there's any sadness, I would remind myself that I don't have any real problems and so I wasn't allowed to feel sad about it; I chose this path, so I wasn't allowed to be sad or feel distraught about it; I convinced myself that I shouldn't feel the weak negative emotions, and I pushed the "weakness" away. That was my mistake, I hated and tried silence parts of myself. I didn't feel like a safe space for myself to speak up because the echoes were louder than me. My advice used to be ignore the negative emotion and just push forward until it goes away. My solution was simple and mildly effective. The more I yelled and pushed those things away, hopefully they would stop returning. That was my critical misunderstanding and mistake. I'm not making that mistake; I'm not hiding from the emotions, I'm not pushing them away. I'm welcoming and friendly; I am kind; I am patient; I am gentle and loving. Emotions are welcomed with warmth, empathy, and compassion. I welcome my emotions. I am saying it again and again in several different ways, and I'll say it again. I am a safe space for myself to exist. I am calm and consistent with myself. I am gentle and welcoming for all my emotions. This is the process to healing. I now know that in order to heal from these wounds, I must allow them to have their space. I cannot heal if I don't allow the emotion. A doctor cannot treat my wound if I won't allow them the space to touch the parts that hurt. I am the doctor, and there are other doctors, actual doctors, but this is my healing journey. I am the one who does the daily physical therapy to heal.

There's my new analogy. When I had broken legs, neck, collar bone, or was otherwise injured, I would go to the doctor and they would tell me what to do to heal myself. The doctor didn't heal me by laying their hands upon me and lifting the pestilence from my body. No, no, no. The doctor gave me some pills to take; I took the pills. The doctor gave me daily physical therapy exercises; I did the exercises. I wanted to know how to heal better so I did my own research and focused all my efforts on healing from the wounds and coming back stronger and more capable than before. I learned a lesson in all the broken states. My mental health is just as important (maybe more so, but that's not our debate) as my physical health. I see myself currently thrown into the deep end of doing my work to heal. The doctors have given me exercises, the books have given me understanding, the speakers have given me insights, and others have generally helped me connect some vague dots, and it was up to me to make application to my own set of facts. This is the work of analysis. This is the work of recovery from a mental injury. the thing about the mental injury that different from the physical injury is the time to heal or the intention maybe. The body will heal a cut or broken bone without conscious effort, time just allows the body to heal itself. I have not had such success with the mental injuries. The deep wounds left from childhood have not healed with time for me. They have been buried, and they resurface with near predictability. These wounds must be consciously healed. My theory as to why is that these are injuries that remain until they are addressed. I tried to ignore them and convince myself that I could function successfully and fully without those pieces. I was wrong to think that I would just be magically healed with time. Why did I think there wasn't work to do? I believe I was using my parents as examples, and they are good role models, right? At least I wouldn't have had the ability to say I was messed up as a kid, and my parents haven't changed much because they didn't address those wounds and do the work to learn how to be different. I am learning to show up differently. I feel different. It's a vulnerable, connected feeling. I'm kinda having fun with this emotional mess thing. I'm a wreck at times, and I smile and allow it. I know that I am safe space for myself. I love myself. I am strong for being able to feel and connect with myself. I am strong for holding the little boy inside and allowing him to experience and feel whatever may arise. It's okay for my inner child to feel hurt; I can hold myself with kindness in those moments. This feels more outward facing, but also inward facing. I am not finding the words to explain how this connection with myself turns around and becomes connection with others.

Apparently... I've never been on live television before... That kid was so great when he addressed his fear. I am learning how to be the brave child who feels safe to speak up. The little boy doesn't need to yell to be heard. I respect him and understand him. I welcome him. I listen to him.