Simply stated, it is difficult to move on after someone has died. And that's final. Even with finality circumstances can be hard to accept.

If there was any hope at all, we might have a different outcome. A jaded mindset creeps in, and I lose the spark. I don't believe anyone anymore. These are the same lies I've heard for some time now. I might just believe the actions instead of the words. I knew this would happen, predicted it, and then let it happen in the background. So stupid of a method. While trying to make all these plans, life happened.

I'll say it, fuck it. Although not a shining example of the use of words to convey meaning and invoke thought, I will say I don't agree with short term solutions that are the quick fix to the symptoms but not a fix to the problem. If we reframe the problem as someone else, then I'm able to put it outside myself and tell myself that I'm okay.

I am writing to keep from screaming these words to those who don't listen. That's the problem to begin with, just rearing its head in response to being called out. Screaming that someone doesn't listen won't make them listen. It might be time to shut down the site. I have use it as a white space to clear my mind, and it has served me well. I just question myself at every turn lately. I was being driven mad by the constant unknowing and inability to help. I wanted nothing more than to make this girl the happiest in the world, and every way I tried just backfired on me. And we didn't even talk about it. That girl gave up on this. She lost all hope. She can't see a future. She doesn't want to raise children in this. She was doing her best to not hurt me and what I really needed all along was for her to "hurt me". I use quotes here because I just wanted the truth from her. She lived in fear and I encouraged her on the daily. She did amazing work and had an amazing outlook and insight into what was happening.

And then on top of it all, I have the thought that she can't see things through, she wasn't all in, and she was half-assing it. Instead of making the effort to snap into it, she chose to disengage. I wish I could have been the person she trusted. I was at one time. I still am that person. It becomes shattering to hear that someone who once loved us now sees us for who we really are and decides to leave.

I should have called this off a long time ago. This has been a roller coaster of emotions and this girl has gotten violent. She kicks and throws and breaks things sometimes. I told her this was not okay. She got to questioning herself at that point. She would start something, get a couple months in and then get impatient that it's not what she wants or dreamed it would be, turns out it's much harder and takes work. This is how I bounced around and did things. I would think it should be fast. She didn't like my advice that it would take 5 years. She also didn't like the fact it would take 2 years to start making money. She got depressed, and I didn't help. I didn't know it was that big of a problem. She seemed like she was able to fool everyone, including me. I believed in her. I don't know why she doubts herself. I also see a string of bouncing from one thing to the next. I'm experienced in my string of bouncing random events. It took some time for my randomness to culminate into a cohesive body of knowledge. I got broad skills from wide experiences. I'm not necessarily advocating for this method, but it definitely has its merits.

I'm ready to yell and scream, knowing it won't help.

She was my greatest distraction. I thought about her in every moment. I didn't say these things. I am tired of playing these childish games. I'm the one playing the game now, and it upsets me to see myself like this. I vowed, never again would I be crazy in love, and it appears as though I have no control over how I feel in love.

Maybe I'm just saying all this to try and fight to be able to say that I did everything I could. When they ask me what I did to stop her, I can say I did everything I could. If I ask her what she tried to do to fix it, I can only think of how she didn't try very hard to work on this thing and improve herself to be able to handle me. It is always about me though. I got semi-scolded for saying this was all my fault to someone and got told it might be an attempt to maintain control because that keeps me safe. Psychology need for safety, for me, means that it's my fault and I can change it. Unfortunately for her, she still blames me, and she is still trying not to hurt me, thereby hurting us. I played my part in causing the end, but I never quit. I must be able to hold my head high through these times.

I am a good person. I help people. I am kind. I am generous. I give my all. I love. I have passion. I smile.

She would say that I am all of these things, and in the same breath she tells me that she can't see a future with me because hurt people hurt people. I made an attempt and failed. I failed to control myself. I blame myself for not being the bigger person who de-escalates the conflicts. I know better now. Too late for this attempt.

This was some hard learning, folks. We made the cut. We stuck it out and made it to the end. I am successful in this endeavor.

What if it were easy? That question loses context in the open. I believe it is easy. I can flip that switch. Business mode, baby!