This title is deceptive clickbait. What we're talking about here is something different than I originally planned, and it's different from what that title's connotations suggest to me. For that reason, I imagine it might be misleading to others.

What I'm thinking of now is the act of lifting heavy stuff just to lift heavy stuff. This is a simple form of self discipline that translates into other areas of life. I did that hard thing by choice. I have slipped off the habit in the past, several times. Each time, it is easier to get back up and on the path. Depends, really, it might not be easier, I could just not be remembering correctly.

The faulty memory though, that's a tough spot to be. If I don't remember correctly, then how can I know what's up? Good question, but I'm seeing a really good argument for why it doesn't matter if I am correct or not. Using the rule of being nice and not getting upset at things, then it really doesn't matter if I remembered it exactly correct. It might be a problem if I run around getting vanilla ice cream when they want chocolate, my good intentions might not overcome my inability to remember such little things. I discriminate against my own behavior, and I'm judgmental of myself, it gets rough when I forget to not treat others the way I treat myself.

This probably means I could treat myself better, thereby improving the way I see and treat others. Taking a kinder, gentler approach with myself could influence the way I approach others. That's likely not a new thought. It kinda feels a bit new to me, but it also feels familiar. I could've read this in a book or heard it in a talk, but for now, it's synthesized information. Synthesized in this context means I had all the raw ingredients, precursors if you will, and put them together to form this new information. It could be that I've been introduced to this before, lost it, and am now synthesizing it from memory because I lost the original stock. I don't have to go that far or take any credit. I'm just having random thoughts that hopefully bring us to the point.

I started with another idea in mind and got swiped off course with the title. I am heavily reliant. I would say that someone might be relying on me too much and they should be self-sufficient. Then I turn around and rely so heavily and am not self-sufficient. It's kinda one-sided in that aspect.

I like to think I have an open mind, and the trouble happens when I open up my mind, It can change. I'm writing all these things and almost convincing myself that I'm the problem, I should just run off to fix myself because I am inadvertently harming others. All the while, I am seeing a pattern of my own behavior and hiding; I am beginning to see these traits in others, and that's my immediate sign today that it's something in me and the reflection is all I see. At that moment, I look at myself and see what I need to fix before I tell anyone else about the speck in their eye.

This gets tough in decision making because I am sometimes asked to literal point out the speck of food perhaps, and I've heard it before of "why didn't anyone tell me..." These statements were people asking why someone who cared would let them go on. There's also that harsh reality, wake-up call, intervention stuff that has an effect on some people, and even though it had an effect on me, it leaves its lasting scars.

Have I been broken into believing this is the only way, the best way, the proper way? I'm not sure, and I ask the question in earnest to uncover a truth within myself so as to identify it when it surfaces. I lost myself somewhere along the way, and I didn't even notice.

I think I did notice, now that I'm sitting here thinking about it. I have said many times before that a piece is missing, a piece that I didn't know existed before it was gone. It's the piece that connected me to others. I am alone in a crowded room. I don't trust. I'm closed off. I struggle with close relationships. These are all realities that I'm aware of, that were never secrets, and perhaps weren't addressed by me and just accepted by me as this is the way it is. Others might encourage a more open posture, but the past has taught me that success can be obtained through certain actions. I am blaming the past now. Ya hear that?? I'm stuck in the past. Echoes, if you'd like borrow a phrase.