It is difficult not to message someone who I have become accustom to leaning on. I relied a bit too much, and I didn't give that same support in return. Only in hindsight is it recognizable that she was the one carrying us through, I was barely getting by, and she held us together. Alright, alright, it might not have been so desperate in the getting by phrasing, but I couldn't keep it together, couldn't admit it, and even defended my position as making it, lying to myself, delusional, definitional, and kinda dumb.
I don't have any of this shit together. I pretend pretty good. And really, my pretend is not just out of nowhere, I have somewhat of an idea, and I make it up according to templates, learn vigilantly, constantly, andimprove to the point of one day, I really do know this stuff, and I had to start somewhere; I just can't lie to myself and think I don't need to improve.
Absolutely guilty of all the things I called out in others. Awww hell... The log in my own eye needs some attention.
Some thing I heard recently got me thinking about how switching too quickly to being positive doesn't give the due attention to the matter, and it's difficult to interpret, in the eyes of others because they are not inside the head that has moved on. This one is confusing because that skill is something that was developed over the years. That's okay. I still need to recognize that others deal with it differently. I can be sensitive to others' needs; even if I am moved on, or pretend to be, they are not and are not pretending to be. Be there until the finish for the other. Get to the reconciliation, get to the point of collecting oneself, so that we can heal together.
The funniest part to me about this is the attempted short cut to skip to the end and be positive doesn't actually end the matter, and, at best, it pushes it down to come back later. Maybe that's why things keep coming back up, they are unresolved. If I considered it resolved and the other party did not consider it resolved, then we have a terrible agreement about appropriate conduct moving forward, and it can be confusing for all involved about what the future should look like, and potentially if there's these lingering things, building up over time, they can get to be too much, piled with stresses of life, friends, location, governments, business, etc.
There's an insight for me. That a new one, and it requires a re-read. I would do well do remember that lesson.
Because of the confusion and miscommunication, I tended toward a quesitoning and angry tone about why this is coming back and why aren't we over this yet. And I took the Trump advice and blamed the person for coming back about it, told them it didn't matter, told them they were dumb for even caring in the first place because of course it wasn't the way they thought, that tells them that the way they think is stupid, and it also tells them they can't trust their thoughts. This is tough stuff. I see it now. My sincerest apologies for the damage caused by my words. I knew it all along, "it's what you do that matters." My intentions to do good are irrelevant when I look at the results of what I actually did.
What if she's right, and I can't get this right? She didn't say I can't get it right, she said I didn't understand it and that she can't heal from this while I am still doing it, and she doesn't know if I can be part of the solution because I was the problem. Even if I change, can she see me as the man she fell in love with? Am I tainted and unredeemable?
I can't answer that question. I say, no. That's my fully biased opinion. I want to sell the fact that it's possible, and it will be amazing to get through this struggle and onto the other side. I can promise it; I can see a professional; I can do a lot of things that look like progress. What can I do about the echoes? The simple answer is to install sound proofing material so the echoes don't happen. But that's a heavy renovation to the mind, so we can support one another through the echoes. We can be honest and communicate. I can be supportive, instead of dismissive. These are real problems to her. I can respect that. I can acknowledge that. Maybe I can help, and maybe I just listen, hold you, and tell you that I've got you forever and always, no matter what comes, I'm not worried because I have you, and then kiss your forehead, squeezing you just a little tighter.
She's gonna find out that I'm not that awesome. Once that happens, game over boys. But that's just some fear in my head. And it can't even be true because I'm gonna make it awesome! This is a topic for another day. My thoughts betray me.