Reassurance of her importance in my life. I want to give her that reassurance. I love her, and she's the most important part, the centerpiece, the masterpiece. Anyways... I digress into my rambling thoughts. We came here with purpose. Carrying on with that purpose is first and foremost, detours should be left alone, and yet we're going down some road this very moment. Snapping into it...

It's difficult after the fact. It being the expression of all the things left unsaid. When the time comes to say all those things, there's never enough time. I have thoughts that never became words. Other thoughts never became moments together. I let the thoughts suffice for something real. I am not sure why my delusions replaced the words I so wanted to say. I got so caught up in watching what I was saying that I never said anything; I just kept watching and waiting for the right thought. I couldn't reveal my first thoughts because they weren't the nice ones. I sit in silence, seconds might turn to minutes. I'm deep in thought and maybe distracted to something else. But what if I just started at some point sharing? What might be the effects of that?

The effects could be grand indeed. We might even be able to estimate those effects here. Might, maybe, possibly with the right data, and maybe it's just a random guess backed by pseudoscience and vague intuition. An impossible estimation, but all things may be imagined and forecasted, we gotta start somewhere.

I would have said how much I am scared to be sensitive and insecure around her. I put on this exterior that's rough and thorny in patches. I then expose my thorns and prick another. The problem is blaming the other for getting pricked. If they had thicker skin, it wouldn't have hurt them. If they didn't go there, they wouldn't get pricked. Starts to sound a lot like victim blaming in this context. Where we might expect one to apologize and retract, I find myself defending and shifting and redefining success to twist it to my advantage. Perhaps not so maliciously as that might have sounded. In my head I have the noblest of intentions. I want the best for this person. Where I get into trouble is if I think I know what's best, contradicting what they want to do, and maybe there's some sense of I'm saving them, but that's not front of mind, very unconscious kinda thing that surfaces from time to time.

While we're being slightly random, I want to comment briefly on how to share some of these things after the fact. Well, not how to share, kind of what sharing does, and what the motives and effects could be. Unfortunately, we need to define some words to get where we're going. Manipulation is a dirty word. I don't want to manipulate. I do not desire to unfairly influence another against their will or in any manner that causes harm. Let's compare for a moment to a knife. A knife can be used to harm, and in the right hands, it can be used to heal. It's an unfair comparison when we stretch the definition of manipulation.

To manipulate can be very broadly defined as having an effect on another's behavior. I would argue that most communication is designed to have an effect. When I think about what I'll say before I say it, I am evaluating the effect different words may have on the audience. When I made the effort and choose what to say based on the desired effect I believe it will have, I am engaging in the broadest form of manipulation. The intentions, motives, and effects are where the words are judged. There are forms of manipulation that stand out as wrongful, but those are too obvious. We're not talking about those because there's no question associated there. We have questions about whether it's manipulation when telling her that I love her and miss her and that she is one for me. Am I playing on any emotions and messing things up out of self interest?

This question plagues me. I think to write a message, to call, to do something. But I stop myself to give her that space. Then the voice jumps up and says, WHOA! She's gonna think you don't love her, she's gonna think all these things if I don't tell her right away. She's gonna leave if I don't stop her! Oh No!! These are the thoughts that jump up. And maybe she does think that, and maybe she does leave. And ouch... Yeah, give me a minute after that sentence... I don't want to think about that. She's not gone yet. There's still a chance.

And I felt a complete split is drastic. Isn't there a softer, middle-of-the-road alternative??

Rewind, or side skip, something that tells us we're moving on. The next topic is about, what if she's right? There's the tricky part for me. All tricky, but it could be the trickiest of parts. I really try to put myself in her shoes. And damn, what if this is what she needs? She might need the time to herself, figuring it out, doing what's necessary.

Wait!! Idea!! What if she goes to India for three months....? Really makes me wonder. That could be a thing. She can absolutely go on the trip. Random thought.

I think through the question of whether this is just for my ego, and I can confidently say it is not. This woman was built for me, we are exactly the same and completely different. And it leads to the thought of, what if I can't make her happy? Like impossible, can't happen, what then? Oh, that's too easy. I let her go. That's not the case though, it's not impossible for her to be happy. I also am just now catching myself discuss making someone else happy. I encourage her to find happiness in her life because she is pursuing her goals, has someone who loves her and someone she loves; those ingredients help happiness. I don't have enough information to talk about what's in someone else's head. I can only say that I want her happiness, and I will do what it takes, and as those words form on the screen, a flash comes over me that says I haven't done what it takes; I have fought doing it. I pushed back and complained about how difficult it was, when I should have been celebrating the good times and dancing.

Let's wrap this up with something uplifting. I hate the thought of this being the end. Everything inside me rages against that outcome. There's an anger and a sadness and a deep sense of disappointment in myself. I failed, and I have to accept that. So much for fucking uplifting...

Okay, second chance at uplifting. I love this girl. I miss her every moment. I want to call her and talk about the day. I want to hear about her day. I want to dance with her. She is my world, and I'm very much affected by her leaving. The honesty is something I struggle with, but for her, I need to practice and get over my discomfort. For her, I do this. She's the one to keep. I hope she feels the same way.