I want to share successes with my friend. She knows this dilemma. She once had a similar situation, perhaps there are some lessons to be gleaned from the difficulty.

The timing is impeccable when distractions take over and the goal, the thought of how it plays out remains a thought, and the world plays out before I take action. A longtime goal of mine was recently accomplished. I'll share a bit here for context. I had the goal to pay taxes. I finally earned some money in the business and had to pay taxes. It wasn't a ton of money, and the goal is to grow that amount, but I make enough money to pay taxes, and that feels like I got to the next level. I had the money set aside to cover the expense. I paid the expense. This small, annoying task was a huge, momentous occasion. It meant something to me. Boom!

I have a best friend. She has the smile of an angel and the body of an underwear model. She gets me on a deeper level than most, and I don't need to explain my strange thoughts. We can laugh together. We can celebrate together. We can cry together.

I also feel like I'm going through a lot, and I'm just barely holding it together. I made it to a spot above the water and I'm limiting my activities to keep it in check. I am all in on having a partner, and maybe it's my fault for not sharing more of the struggles. When I did share the struggles, I made it sound like an accusation and made her feel belittled. She said as much. I struggled with her on the daily, and I love it. This is my person. She is going through it, and I am her rock. I can't show weakness because I think she needs strength. Perhaps it was the softness and "weakness" that she needed in return. I tell myself that I don't know how to do that, but that's not the truth. That's like me sitting and explaining the whole thing and process in detail why simultanesouly saying, no way I can do all that. I might even know how to do this, it just feels awkward. It feels soft and weak, and it gives me the feelings of arguing against it and fighting back, rejecting the idea as something I can't do. I don't know why I am currently unable to do this. Practice is the answer. I have learned a way, and I need to learn another way.

That's some hard learning right there.