Fear is driving this writing. Not in a bad way though. It's is an element of what we have. I always have a mix of emotions, and just because I have fear and doubt, those are not reasons to not proceed. But those fears and doubts can't be pushed aside and told they aren't real, invalidating myself builds more fear and doubt. There is a temporary space where pushing this aside to get something done is a vital skill, but proper space and time must be given for the repair and healing. I can bring up these doubts and fears in a safe way, in a gentle way that doesn't yell or get loud or panic. There has been a feeling of panic associated, and I can notice it better now when it's happening. Fears do not automatically equal panic mode to fix things. It should mean a slow down, a pause, to assess what is actually happening and not what the perceived fear would lead my mind to believe about the worst case scenario. I had the habit of getting super serious and taking charge. This can be useful, but it must also be used with caution. I can railroad the feelings of others and sow unintended fears with panicked reactions.

I forgot to name the fear. The fear is that no one will believe me that I have done the work. The fear that I can't prove it. They won't see it. It won't work. I gotta do something! That fear. That's the fear of not being believed. That one dates back from childhood for sure. I fought to be listened to, to be believed. I was painted as being the cause of the harm, but I didn't do it. Why don't they believe me? That one is ever present, and I welcome the feeling with kindness. My feelings are allowed, even if the facts don't support the feeling. I understand and welcome and hold myself a little closer in those moments.

Hasty solutions are not always the best. The quick fix gets us there, but I still need to do the actual repair. The duct tape fix was only supposed to be temporary, and now I find myself telling other people that duct tape is the preferred method, with zeal even. Oh man, that's so wrong. I find it difficult to write the thoughts out because they are so wrong. I feel so bad for thinking and reacting in those ways, and I have to sit with the results of my actions. I am sitting with it. I am allowing myself to feel. It is important how I show up every day, not what I do, but how I show up to life. That's what makes the difference.

I welcome the fear. The fear brings up things that wouldn't be seen without the thought. Being able to be with this and not react all neurotic, that's my goal. That's what allows me to show up in life consistently as a mature, responsible man. I am a safe space for others. That is my new definition of being a man. At the end of it all, it's more than enough, meaning something to a beautiful girl.