This is a misnomer because there is no way to change what I have done. The correction comes in my future behavior, how I choose to respond in a similar situation in the future. I hate the idea of proving myself worthy, but I am coming to grips with how that works. I am learning what things mean, and I'm learning a lot about how wrong I was.

I got to thinking about it, and I'm probably 100 hours into this little activity of mine. I didn't look up while I was in the middle of it. Now, it feels like I'm approaching the end of this part of the journey. This was a necessary side quest. I had to learn this skill before I face my next challenge in life. The next challenge referenced here is family. My inability to open up and connect with the little boy inside prevented me from opening up and connecting with another. I also need to watch my thoughts about myself. If I don't like myself, it can lead to insecurity. Insecurity is exhausting for others and can lead to people pleasing and stress. If I am operating from a place of not feeling like I'm good enough and not liking parts of myself, and then hiding those parts, acting out of fear, fear of abandonment, fear of being too much and not enough at the same time. That's not the place where I can raise a child, and it has a lot to do with how I treat my inner child.

the un-blending allows me to take back control. The protector is telling me something. The goal is not to eliminate parts of myself. I must help them eliminate their burdens. Richard Schwartz said something like this, and it resonates with me. The misconception of the inner work says we want to get rid of it. The more I try to get rid of it, the more it comes back. As we have discussed before, it comes back and hits me harder. I separate from the part, and I create a safe space for this little boy to be witnessed and loved. What happens is deep grieving. I grieve the hurt the pain and loss that I felt in childhood. Until I allow it space and feel it and grieve it, this part will continue coming back.

I fear that I was unconsciously trying to do to you what I did to me. I was trying to eliminate that part of you, not knowing that was the beautiful part of you, and then I wondered what happened to the bubbly woman, and then I found out that my goal to be robot, turned her into a robot, and she stopped being that person. So, she can't be around me because now I trigger implicit memories that she has to get over, and there's the chance that I do more damage.

I need to acknowledge the hurt and the pain that I caused while I was operating from this wouldn't part of me.

Little aside, I am listening to this and thinking it's excellent stuff because it is summarizing the work I have been doing. This guy is helping me frame some of the work I've been doing. I have been grieving with this little boy because he didn't have anywhere to go. The little boy wants to take over in that moment and say he's fine, it wasn't that bad, and he's not crying because he's a big boy that doesn't cry like little kids. Ugh, this need to be strong and not cry is something that was taught to me as a child, and it has been instilled in me again and again by the masculine culture talking points that say I should pick myself up, stop crying and go make something happen, do the work, accomplish something else and forget about that pain. I was never encouraged to sit with it and feel the emotions. I never learned that it was okay to have these emotions, and I build a mental bias against such behaviors. I was conditioned and trained, and realizing that fact is eye opening, and the source of mourning. I grieve for the hurt that I have caused others in the name of false virtue. Apparently, hurt people hurt people, and it takes an effort to heal from the original hurt to stop the cycle from continuing.

For me, this seems to come in five year blocks, plus or minus. I'm kinda guessing on timeline, I haven't done a thorough calendar review, but the pieces in my head are lining up, so we'll go with it for now. I have a theory. This five year cycle is because that's about how long it took for me to forget the warning signs. I get distracted and don't pay attention to the little boy; he was never healed. The pain was just pushed to the side and crowded out by all the other stuff. When the pain is no longer crowded out, but it is placed front and center, that's when it starts over. The unhealed wounds resurface, and with a fury like not seen before, the little boy rushes in to protect.

I couldn't handle it in that moment. I am hopeful that the work I am doing now will help to heal that little boy and provide him a safe and loving space. This safety's goal is the calmness of this little boy and releasing him from his burden. I do not need to act to protect this boy; he is safe, I am safe.

Learning how to heal.

I need to be a safe place for myself and others. I wasn't a safe place and could not be approached with a correction from someone else. I wouldn't listen, and I had a reason why their suggestion wouldn't work, and I knew better. I could logic my way into ignoring the fears, and I also had the ability to get upset and mad when questioned. I might get angry at the perceived attack to my ego and pride. This does not make a safe space for others who care about me. With this environment, they cannot approach and give feedback safely.

There is risk in me jumping to forgiveness too early. I miss out on the benefit and healing that comes with sitting and being with the grief, shame, hurt, disappointment, and pain. I could say to myself that I did my best, forgive myself, and move on. There is risk in doing that. There is also risk is present when acknowledging and taking accountability; I might only recognize that I messed up and then vow to never make that mistake again, forgive myself and move on. That looks like accountability, but that's a false positive, making me think I'm growing but only dooming me to repeat the past. I said I wouldn't do it, then I did it. Saying I won't do it again, that doesn't hold much weight. Understandably so. The previous trick would have been to tattoo it on my hand and read it and remind myself every day; that should work. If I can see it, then I don't have an excuse. The flawed logic is the healing required to not repeat the same mistakes does not come from affirmations and a positive mindset with constant reminders; I tried all that, didn't work, became stressful constantly pushing back and ignoring a part of myself. I am now trying something different that involves healing the past traumas and wounds; this path does not ignore or push away those parts of myself. I am inviting my whole being to be present. The inner child is safe with me. I am safe. These are the new mantras. Not about how awesome and great everything is, but maybe some of those too, but giving room for compassion and safety in my daily life, allow for and invite connection.

The state of survival I was living in, and the hurt. My energy and the way I show up has a consequence. I show up as the complete man who has the capacity to grieve.

How do I heal my family wounds? I didn't understand this foundation previously. I pushed all this aside. I understand what it means to have an echo.

Oh man, I think I am realizing that I insulted her language abilities when I told her that the words she was using didn't have that meaning to me. Looking at it now, this might have caused some emotional stir in her because of how much pride she takes in her language skills. I experienced and noticed a moment recently where my skills in an area were challenged, and my pride wanted to defend it. With her language abilities, I could have made clear that she is marvelous, and I really appreciate her language abilities. And this echo thing just reminds me of that. I have those echoes in my head also. But I would have never used that word before hearing it from her. Had I understood what this meant and how it shows up in my life, and had I been open to facing these challenges and past wounds of my own, then we maybe would have had a chance at working through them together. Instead, I pushed her away and told her to work on it by herself because I was already healed and working on myself. I see how I was very mistaken. This is a mistake I can correct.