I went back through a Part 2, and I was shocked at some of the things I said. I write emotionally, and it's not quite thought through. I am learning that my thoughts are not to be shared. I cannot speak to anyone about the things in my head. They don't understand me. "They" being people in general. I'm the crazy one. Everyone else seems to hide it better than me. I maybe get a sense of pride out of the idea that I'm different, that my thoughts make it out, where I judge others because they must obviously be thinking but their fears are in the way. I don't have fears. HAHA yeah right. Those last couple sentence are something I might think of hubris and placing myself above. But that's my fear, that's the protection I give myself, the lies I tell myself.

I lie to myself too much. I affirm my way into something, and one day, it feels quite real, but that doesn't make it so.

I can't believe I said some nonsense about sexiness. That person was the most beautiful and sexy. Why did I ever say anything different?? I can't believe myself. I messed everything up and then made it all worse. I keep just doing stuff that drives it further out of grasp. Why can't I just shut the hell up? That's my craziness again. What the hell is wrong with me?

This is something I am not able to answer. If I ask someone else, they may say nothing is wrong with me and I'm just human. I appreciate their sentiment and thought for me, and at the same time, my head tells me they are just being nice. They are trying to help. I cannot help myself.

I lost my way. I treated someone like they were in my way, and I have not been able to apologize or to make sense of anything. I am so sorry and apologize to myself. I ruined it.

A friend of mine gave me a writing prompt. Let's give it a try.

The prompt: what's torturing me. Written in the perspective of a disconnected observer. After writing the below, I realize I may have missed the prompt. I also am not sure if anything was gained through the exercise of third-person views of myself. It made me just feel like an idiot who cannot get his own mind right. Here's what I wrote as the observer:

He appears deeply hurt. The pain is evident through his eyes. This pain appears to be entirely in his own head though. There is nothing from the external that would indicate the pain, except for that lost look in his eyes. This man has taken the sword and turned it on himself. The man sits and thinks through different scenarios trying to make sense of it all. I saw him the other day speaking with a friend and rehashing how he felt during his previous relationship. I see he is alone. I have only been observing him for the past few days. I am not sure where his partner would be. I do know from watching that there is someone he is longing to be with. He seems to be putting himself into a position where he has no distractions from his pain. The pain is inflicted on himself though. No one else is causing him pain. There are folks that try to help him, but he does not want their help or advice. He is with one half trying to see the bad for the bad, and then he turns around and disagrees with that half. He argues and says that it's not true. He wants one thing to be true, but he keeps hearing a different truth from those he speaks with. This man is so confused. I am not sure he knows what is what. It does appear that he has a heart that feels something. He accepts this version of himself that he is terrible. He also wants a version of himself that doesn't have this pain. But I might ask why he keeps putting himself right back into it. He just can't stop himself from doing harmful things. He is doing this to himself. He goes to his writing to be close to that person he longs for. Whether it's an argument or a kiss, he just wants to be close. He doesn't know how to make things right, and he is trying everything to reach that person. He doesn't know much. He says he wants to love, but then he writes hurtful things. He writes that he is over it, but then he looks at his phone to see if there's a message. He says one thing, says the opposite, does one thing, and then acts again if the opposite were his belief. This man wants one thing and seems like he would do anything to get it. He is telling himself that he must do something. He tells himself that no one else will do. He then flips the script and says all the opposites, listens to others, dislikes listening to others, has no choice but to keep going without any direction at all. He has his writing, but he is deeply alone. He has people, but feels disconnected. He has friends, but he uses them as a temporary measure. He wrote some part 1 about how he felt. He put himself in a position to be yelled at. He also wrote a part 2 which pushed things farther away. He goes back and forth from loving to hating, and he tortures himself with dreams. His sleep is sporadic, and his mind is frantic. He almost had a panic attack every day this week. I saw him place so much value on this metal object worn on his finger. I wasn't sure the significance of this object outside of his constant spinning of it on his finger. He took that object off, and he lost his mind. He does not seem able to just be with himself. He is seeking something outside himself. He looks inward and finds happiness for a moment, and he turns that happiness into a black and white, forever loss. He wants something that he cannot have, and he has something that he does not want. This man appears to not know much about moving through his emotions. He does not appear to have much sense. He looks a bit dumb from this point of view. I say dumb because he doesn't know much about himself. He thinks, but he doesn't think. His love turns to anger. His anger turns back to love. What is he doing to himself? Why can't he stop? He does not want to stop. He wants to be close to someone that is far away. He wants something that he cannot have. He wants something that doesn't want him back. He doesn't feel loved. He feels hated. He knows he's not hated, but he tells himself that he's a hideous monster that only scares people away. He tells people to not get close because he cannot trust himself to keep his promises. He says one thing, then he does the opposite. He promises one day, and he breaks it the next. He flip flops so hard. But why? Why can't he just love? Why must he hate himself? He is telling himself how terrible of a person he is. He is telling others how it was all his fault. He is telling anyone who asks that he is not doing very well. He is telling all of the people the same thing, and then he tells himself something about how he wants to be close to someone. He says that, but his actions seem to drive people away. This man has no sense of how to get what he wants. He has no sense of how to be calm. He is anxious in every moment, and he cannot sleep. I feel sorry for this guy. He is doing this to himself. He puts himself in a place where he does not want to move on. He is told to move on, and he agrees, and he sees all the things that other people tell him. He takes it too far. He wrote something about someone not having confidence and implied they weren't sexy. He then turned around and said that he didn't mean it. I couldn't tell either if which was the truth. This is tough for me to watch him torture himself. I would tell him to stop. I would tell him to just be in this moment. I would tell him to breathe. I would tell him that he doesn't have to take it so serious and be hard on himself. I would tell him to live his life and have some fun with it. I hope he can stop torturing himself. Maybe he would be able to make it through a day without tears.