The courage to be disliked. That's the title of a book, and it's also a great sentiment. But it needs to be understood. After reading the book, I misapplied the concepts. I charged forward without regard because I conflated that with courage. I didn't care what you thought of me. So, that had me not caring about the effect I would have on others. That's the incorrect application of this amazing mindset.

My most recent thought develops it a bit, nuanced in form. The courage to be known. Oooh weee, that hits different. That scares me. What if they don't like me? Aha! I see this now. I see how the courage to be disliked comes from being known. The guy in the book, I'm gonna say it, he was friggin' hermit, living away from the world. How can he be the example of courage? He is not known. He focuses solely on the self. He has the courage to allow their lack of knowledge to stand. There is a form of courage here. No desire to be loudly professing something, posting to the internet for all to "know me." But that is not being known, it is being watched, and it places a distance and filter on the aspects that are shared. It is not being known as a being, it may be known for doing. Who am I? I know this, but I've hidden it from the world for so long. I was building the walls to keep the people out, to protect myself from seeing the dark sides of myself, my shadow. I built the walls myself, to benefit me, in a misguided attempt at not being truly known. This is now something I identify as stemming from my inability to accept myself. It was a self hatred and refusal to do the hard work, to go through it to the other side. If only I could change the circumstance, then I would be able to thrive. From the movie Blow, I am reminded of what his father told him, in response to him saying how good he was at smuggling drugs, "you would have been good at anything." It's the person, not the circumstance. I can grow in any soil. I have it here with me. I am wasting my time looking for something else. That's the easy way, but the hard way says that I can do this right here, with the obstacles, with the challenges, with this person (if they are of the same mind and willing, never obligatory or forced), with whatever may come. I don't need something different to succeed. I don't have to quit what doesn't appear to be working. Don't quit before the miracle happens!!!

If it's taking too long, good. That's not too long, that's slow and steady. It might not look like the tree is growing. Progress is not apparent from one day to the next. Nothing changes from yesterday; it's the same path, one centimeter farther is not that far. When I add up all those centimeters, coupled with the direction, over time, this becomes the difference between the dragon and the pig. I'm in the slow lane. I am taking my stop. I am stopping at the red light (I actually got that ticket LOL). That is my path. I don't look for any other path, nothing is easier than what I already have. Bird in the hand, devil you know, and that greener grass, those are the metaphors that speak to this. They are also the metaphors that I overlooked. I said, fuck that, I'll do it different, better, faster, my way. There's something wrong with that thought if it takes me off my path, if it makes me question what I'm doing.

Let's take a moment to speak about "friends." This is a tough one to speak about because it gives me the feeling of judging others. I don't want to judge others. I hope it's not heard that way. But, maybe I am judging them. I won't belabor the point, but there are certain people that I protect myself from. The people that pull me off my path with their own agendas. They are "trying to help," but they don't know what the fuck their talking about. Fix your own shit (sounds familiar...). Stop telling me how I am putting myself into dangerous situations. I am listening because they seem to care. I also have the self-confidence necessary to draw a line. I will not allow another to classify my relationships. They don't know. They are trying to help in the only way they know how. They haven't looked at themselves to become a whole being, they find purpose in trying to make me whole. (those words don't feel accurate, but we'll keep going with the thought train and come back later for refinement). The effect is to get me questioning, when I should be questioning their advice. It was given without full context. I was not able to give the full story, just as a picture cannot do justice to the grandness and full beauty of the snow covered Alps. They only have the picture. The don't have the experience. They want to look at my picture and make their own conclusions. They are not in my shoes. They pretend to be. But their words betray them, "if that were me...." It's not you, it's me. How do I be true to myself in the moment? I push back. I challenge their world view. I also see that nobody knows this shit for another. If they did know anything, that knowledge is limited to how their situation unfolded. My relationship is not your relationship. My life is not your life. I listen, analyze, challenge, and discern for myself how this new information might be true. I cannot buy fully without question their conclusion and perception. They have their own filters and mental issues not being presented or examined when they share their thoughts. What are they protecting? Why would they see it that way? Why should their experience be my experience? That last question takes it slightly different direction, but it feels like that capstone rhetorical question that allows me to separate their words from defining my life. That let's another person have power over me. I rely on this person to shape my world, and I adopt their worldview as my own without discernment. No, thank you.

I have the courage to be known and judged for my decisions, for my thoughts and conclusions. If I don't see something, tell me. I'll take what you tell me and question the source. I do advocate for questioning the other. I don't buy their shit. I'm not being convinced just because the person who said it cares about me. I think critically about what was shared, and I decide whether it applies. I don't use AI chat to reinforce beliefs. It will not question. It will take it's sycophantic approach and reinforce what was provided. It's tendency toward agreeableness and validation can reinforce the improper belief, it won't help me grow, it only helps me to get deeper ingrained into what I presented in the first place.

The courage to be known. That's where we started, and that's where we will end. All of these concepts used in harmony allow me to have that courage. I cannot be broken. I cannot be shaken. I cannot be affected by the judgment and conclusions of others. They tell me I'm messing up, but they don't know everything that I know. I see what they are trying to protect, but I won't make their fears my own. I don't dismiss their genuine concern. I seek to understand why they would start with that concern; what do they see as the risk? Understanding their starting position allows me to apply their words, or not. Someone cannot tell me that I should leave a relationship. They cannot tell me that she isn't the one, that the guy is a bad guy, that this isn't working and will never work. They do not know the whole of the situation. They have their own demons. If they have ruined their own relationships and blame the other person for what "they did to me," I cannot take their advice with much weight. I look past the words to the source.

Okay, let's back off of those absolute statements. I can be influenced. I welcome criticism. I don't dismiss it because of the source. A hypocrite can tell the truth. Someone with their own fears can correctly identify risk. I don't throw it away because of the source. I look to it with a sober mind. This doesn't question the source and dismiss because of the conclusion that they are just reacting or projecting their own fears. Someone who has lived through an abusive relationship could be hyper alert to the first sign of danger. That's their fear. I can accept what they are saying without buying into it. I will also not dismiss it because it's sourced from their fearful and vigilant mind. I will look to these risks and approach it with my partner. If the partner takes the step too far, that fearful friend might be right. I give them that. I thank them for giving some nuance and insight that I might be missing. I take their advice, but not blindly. It might apply, they might be right. But that's the maybe that needs to be looked at. If my partner is unwilling to look at their role, the friend may be onto something. But, if the partner genuinely listens, and expresses an interest in understanding how these behaviors might trigger fears for a person who is tuned to that wavelength, the partner might not be the scary version; I don't have to let someone else's fears become my fears.

I have a fear of poverty. I project that fear sometimes. I've been conditioned to think a certain way. If my fears become projections, I can get in trouble with the advice that I'm giving.

Stopping here, not because it's finished, because I got to think a bit more on this, and eat....