The title is a bit vague, I see that. So let's get it clear.

I want to discover the new person. The old person does not exist anymore. I can see the strength and growth that has developed. I couldn't see it before. I believe one of the mistakes was trying to pick up where we were instead of starting over. That really seems to keep the other person stuck in this mold of the old version. I do not know this person, and they are not the old version of themselves. This person does not know me, and I am not the old version of myself. It got tricky when we both accused each other of being the old version. That was definitely triggering to not acknowledge and recognize the growth. The surface recognition was skewed by thoughts of the past version. That is a mistake. It was something that could have been recognized beforehand, but there wasn't a discussion of that. It got lost. There was some discussion, but it quickly turned to familiarity and assumption turned attack.

This process will take a year or two to get to a spot where it becomes a second nature. I will look forward to all the stories that accumulate over the next period. Life is unfolding in a beautiful way. I express gratitude for the experience and the lessons learned. Learning made hard by a refusal to look at myself.

I don't understand a lot of things, and I carry judgments against myself that get projected onto others. I couldn't be happy with myself, and I couldn't love myself. I am still very hard on myself, even in this writing. I want to go until I'm finished. I am realizing that I am repeating a pattern even with the writing and learning. I threw myself into this with all I have. I am rushing through to get to the finish. I see how just this writing is another example of my pattern playing out. I am torturing myself with constantly pointing out how I am failing. I am getting down on myself. I know better, and I will speak with kindness toward myself.

I made an impossible standard to live by, and I try to hold others to my standard. There's another mistake. I don't have to hold the standard myself. That's another problem I am addressing. I have some exercises of grace and compassion and kindness that I practice to help me be nicer to myself. I am practicing relaxing the standard. I don't know where I made up this unwritten and uncommunicated standard. I don't know why I acted like someone else has to live up to my standard. I don't know why I feel like I'm failing if I don't live up to the standard.

I have some thoughts on this standard and where it comes from and how it's been reinforced. I probably gravitated to this profession because of the ability to speak with authority. People listen when I talk, and it makes me feel good. It felt as though no one listened to me when I was younger. I have deep implicit memories surrounding not being listened to. I have situations in mind where I had to speak up and be loud or something to be heard. I have some kind of feeling that this was from not learning how to communicate my needs as a child, and the need to respond with a certain demeanor (i.e. angry and mean) to be heard. That's not true anymore, if it ever was true. It served me well when it was needed.

I am an adult now, and I am safe. I don't need to use the old method any longer. The old method is destructive and lacks foresight. It is about seeking immediate relief. Immediate relief is not always the best way. Relief takes time. And there I am trying to rush through again. Another pattern that can serve me well in certain aspects, but it is not useful in all situations.

I am here to play the game. I can choose my response. I can choose not to play the game. I can choose.

It's sad that we both became amazing people who can connect and repair, but we failed to see that in each other and went back to the old patterns. There is not too much history. No such thing. There is too much attachment to the history and a present inability to see the person outside the lens of the past. That feels more true than thinking either one of us was failing. We were doing what we always did. There's no shame in seeing the familiar, hearing the familiar, and then doing the familiar. That's wrong because it is part of the pattern. The present is not the past. They are not the person who hurt me. They have become a different person. My role in this is to recognize my weakness. I was not able to have a conversation in the present, and I lied to myself to say I was.

I was hurting from desire. I desired. That was my problem. I led with desire. I could have led with curiosity. I am repeating myself... This lesson was supposed to be learned, but it wasn't. Because it wasn't, the lesson came back as repeated patterns. I hope I learned it this time. Let's discuss a bit to reinforce the lesson.

I have no responsibility for the lives of others. I have curiosity about the lives of others. Even if I think I can help, then it might not be my place to help. This is in conflict with something I tried to enforce on myself many years ago. The earlier lesson was that I have an obligation to help if I have the ability to help. That has gotten me in trouble. I tried to assist without getting consent. I skipped the consent part and it placed undo pressure on another person. It also made me look like I was just trying to save them, which could be true. I am not denying or defending against that possibility. I am also not accepting it as the whole truth. It can be a part of the reason, but it does not have to define me or my intentions. I get in trouble when I try to save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

I am reminded of the man in the flood. The story did not end with him getting knocked out and dragged onto a boat to save him. It was a gentle offer, but it never went to call the man stupid for not accepting help. The story lets him make his own decisions, despite the fact that he died based on that decision. Most decisions are not life or death, but I treat them all with equal importance. That's my too serious nature. I couldn't let it go before. I am looking for balance. There is a place for seriousness, and there is a place where I can let go. I'm learning to let go. I'm practicing letting go.

I have a couple of example stories to run through. The first involves a suit that I was not happy about. Someone told me that it's not that big of a deal, and I freaked out like they weren't listening to me. I told them that it was a big deal to me. They were trying to help me gain perspective and let it go, but I couldn't let it go. That was my fault, not theirs.

The second story involves a potential sale. I was needing a quote from a company to submit a bid. I found myself on the phone and not being able to get the quote in time, which meant I would lose the potential sale. I made an emotional plea to the guy on the phone. I looked desperate, I'm sure. I mistook desperation for passion. I told myself that making this passionate plea would have some effect. I was told by this guy a little bit of advice that I balked at. He said that not every sale is make or break, and it wasn't a big deal. I reacted with another passionate defense of my position. I said that this was a big deal for me. It was a make or break for the new company. I put everything into this one sale and was very upset when it was lost.

As life has continued several years past both of these, I came to realize what these people were trying to do for me. I recognize that I was too young at the time, and even today I don't have this figured out. I see the lesson of letting go of every little thing. It's not a big deal. If I could keep that lesson this time, I will be one step closer to having some wisdom that keeps me at peace.

I will mention a separate item that has processed in my mind. I see why friends wouldn't confront another with something they believe to be true. Confrontation takes the decision making power away from that person. It doesn't show a consideration for their ability to learn and grow. The confronting is not likely to help and it places them beneath. It is an expression of Let Them. It is a beautiful expression of caring and love that knows when to hold back. Love is kind. This is kindness in action. It also avoids any awkward "I told you so" moments. Those are the moments that place a person beneath another. It says, "see, I know more than you, and you should listen to me." There is a much much better way to be kind to friends.

I'm not hiding anymore. I'm also doing my damndest to now know anything. I am not above any other person. I don't know anything about healing anyone else. I don't know shit. I only know what I've done. I don't know if my way is any kind of right or helpful. I just know that I have a feeling like I want to save someone when they need me. That's a good feeling, keep that. The key is to recognize that they only need me if they are unable to do it for themselves. They are usually able to do it for themselves, unless they pass out and need carrying, then it's okay.

It's also a little fucked if I can treat others this way and be vulnerable with them, but I hide it from a specific person. It hurts to be told that I'm not that person and painted as an old version of myself. There is a fear there, and I try to understand the fear. I wasn't present in that moment, and my fears and hurt got the best of me.

Who knows what lessons are here to be learned. There's so much material for learning, but it all gets lost in the repetition. The return of the pattern is exhausting for me. I made the same mistake after knowing better. I got to see it again. I got a front row seat to the abuse. I denied for a long time that I was causing emotional trauma. I couldn't see myself as that. I also didn't see the trauma, which is only a testament to how strong the other person is. I struggled for months to find a way to excuse myself. I didn't want to, probably because it hurt to see myself as an abuser. I told another person that they don't have emotional intelligence. That was also told to me. Neither statement was correct. Just as the other, I am aware. I also will allow them to do their own thing and to have their own healing journey, and I have no authority or responsibility in that area. There was a time when I could witness that journey.

My mind wants to defend and make excuses, but I won't let it. I will sit with this realization. I hold myself to that standard, remember. I don't need to defend or excuse in order to love myself. I am thinking that was one of the things that has been holding me back. I couldn't forgive myself or love myself if I had done those things. If I could only find an excuse, then it would be justified somehow. I sought to defend myself with context and intention, thinking that if I judged my intention then I could forgive myself. I thought that I'd be able to find some way out of this feeling. I wasn't doing that recently, let's be clear there. I wasn't trying to find a way out of what I did. I was trying to not get blamed for the things I didn't do.

I am still pushing back all the small excuses that can be made due to a reactive abuse. There always exists a choice for me. I need to stay present in mind to make a choice and default to a reaction that provides immediate safety.

I asked for forgiveness. In an attempt to make amends. If you're unfamiliar with that term, look up "making amends 12-step program" for a bit more information on what that means. I'm in recovery. It's the driving drunk example again, I don't harm other people, but I did harm someone while drunk (metaphor here). I can only apologize and ask for forgiveness. I must let them at that point. These things are given and cannot be forced or taken. Asking for forgiveness and apologizing is my role. That is the first step in forgiving myself. I am the person who takes this more serious than anyone else, because it's my life. I can recognize that in another. They care way more than I do, and I can trust them to take care of them. It is when they ask for assistance, that is when I can help. I can offer assistance. I can be there and be a safe presence through the tough times. That is my role. I am saying it again. My role is to be there, be a safe presence, offer support and encouragement, and to help if requested or if consent is granted.

Remind myself of that one again: ask for consent. Non-consensual helping can be a verbal assault and abuse. I must also remind myself that others might try to help me unsolicited style. I can provide them grace and listen and accept if necessary. I have no reason to attack them for trying to help. I can gently set a boundary if I don't want help from them. I can be clear and kind in my communication. It is kind to keep boundaries also. It is being kind and loving myself. If I have a difficulty with boundaries, then I may have trouble loving myself for who I am. If I don't like me, then how can I expect them to like me.

I go back to a thought that I used to like me. I was doing so great with self. I thought so. Then it all changed when I was confronted with not being enough. Being told that I needed to change challenged all the progress I made. Over time, that had an effect that I started to be that person that I was accused of being. I didn't think that was me, and then I slowly became it. I didn't want to be that, and I had gotten far away from all that. I told myself I was a whole person, and then I'm told that I'm not. Again, and again. It turns out, the other person was right. But that didn't make it easy for me to accept in the moment.

I have been practicing forgiveness. I forgive others, and I forgive myself. I treat myself with kindness, and I treat others how I treat myself. That's the goal. That is a statement of what I'm working on. It's not a statement of perfection. And that's okay. I am getting better every day. Little by little. Often going unnoticed. But just like I was told by someone wiser than me, I see the urge to help, defend, or explain, and I choose to pause, let the initial thought pass with kindness and gratitude, and then I get the respond appropriately. Sometimes the appropriate response is doing nothing.