I wish I would have been nicer. I wish I would have been able to. I wish I would have ended this more peacefully. That is no way to treat someone I care about. I did that K friend something similar. I get mean. I see it. I knew it before, but this is the first time I have ever been so mean to someone that it affected me in such a way. This is the first time I haven't been able to apologize and repair. First time that I truly wanted to repair and knew what repair meant.

I wish I could have just sent this book and ended it there: https://open.spotify.com/show/0WbCsLwsValUta5ewnSqTz?si=sTHS6lytR2u-3VWysIOz7A

I wish I could have shared this article: https://www.unpluggedpsych.com/the-psychology-of-the-hero-complex-understanding-the-urge-to-save-others/

I am sorry that I got triggered. I wish you love, kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. This mediation about sending ripples has me rippling. I wish we could have done this together. If we were doing it together, I would have loved it. Probably similar to the way that she would have loved me to read the books with her.

I'm tired of this sport. I'm tired of these people talking about the same thing. Is there nothing else in this world to do than this sport? I am here at this place that I usually come to, and I don't like it. These things feel so empty right now.

There was some hope, and I crushed it. I am grieving the way I treated her all over again. I have the past in my mind, I have the recent past also. I can't watch what she does, and it was easier for me to push it away and kill the whole thing that to watch. Why am I afraid to be loved... Nah, why am I afraid to be hurt by someone I love? That's the real problem here. I am hurt by her every time. She says she doesn't want regular contact, she doesn't want to put the effort in, she says she wants to live life without me, that thing about the other guy, and oh my god that fucking hurts.

I don't feel her boundary was communicated clearly. She said that she doesn't talk to me about these things. That does not mean to not mention such things with her. She could have set the boundary instead of accusing me of mansplaining. I don't know if I would have listened to her. If I weren't triggered, I would. If I were in an overly emotional moment, then I can't make the promise. Kinda like being drunk and doing things like driving. Plans go out the window when I'm drunk or emotionally charged.

Here's a bit of explanation. I might hate a thing this person does, and I still love this person. I might say one thing about how much they suck, and then I still love them. It's not confusing to me. That feels like unconditional love. I really don't like the way she crosses my boundaries and presses me. I love that she challenges me to become better. I love her. I can not like all of these things and still love her. She might not get that. But maybe she does understand that because she still loves me. Does it reach a point where we just move on? It just did reach that point. I will not change. She will not change. But I am changing. And she is changing. We are probably just growing. I wonder if she is thinking about me when I think about her. Just move on already!

I'm trying to move on. I am also trying my hardest to say an apology that I will never get to say. I wish I could apologize and be forgiven. That would give me the peace of mind to move on. I know we can't be together. I know we can't be friends. But I still miss the thought of her calling me when I am having a baby. Like and subscribe for more thoughts from of a hurting, apologetic ex-husband. Drop a heart in the comments if you agree....