Can you just imagine for a minute what it might be if I actually made this public? What if I shared this in a place where people that know some of the story could read it? What if her friends read it? That would be a whirlwind inside the mind of someone who doesn't want to be seen.

The reason I know that I am different is that I would want my role made public. I would not be so embarrassed. I can admit the truth and how my actions were terrible. I can own my part.

If I blamed the other party entirely, I wouldn't get much credibility. The response from most when I say this whole thing is my fault usually goes to "it takes two", and those folks start to support me a bit more. It's kinda the opposite of what one might imagine. The others think more of me, not less.

It was my decision to nuke the whole thing, and I'm not looking back. I felt the feelings happening when they were happening. I was being pulled back into a dynamic that I did not like. The other person was showing no signs of accountability. I could have done it differently, for sure. I will do it differently next time. I will walk away silently.

I didn't choose what I did in a conscious sense. I was in the middle of a fight, and I defaulted to an old pattern. I also know that the pattern works to end something. This doesn't make it the right action, but it does make it an effective one. I bulldozed my way through. I was being attacked, and I had this anxiety happeneing.

She triggered all of my childhood wounds. I was in a position of constantly taking the blame. I was forced to be the cause. And that is okay. I am okay today if she believes the worst of me. I can let her. I don't have to make another attempt at showing her she is wrong. I won't put myself through that again.

The analogy I have been working is one of alcohol. I figured out that I don't like to drink. It is quite amazing how life shows me something again and again until I am able to make a different choice. I wouldn't be able to do the things I do today if I were drinking. I did like to go and have a drink with people. I like to go dance. I like the social aspects. I actually am a social person, to my surprise. I still like to leave a little early and wake up early to go get some stuff done. I like to wake up in the morning without feeling the effects from drinking the night before. It doesn't matter whether I am young or not. I was able to accomplish a lot of things while not drinking. I wasn't able to accomplish much while drinking. I couldn't even drive. I could barely leave a dangerous situation. I couldn't recognize the danger. I would be in a state where I just charged forward, consequences be damned. That led to a few trips to jail and other negative consequences. Alcohol triggers me in a way that I can't control. I can control me, but I cannot control alcohol.

Today, I choose to drink the zero beer. They have some calories, and it's a way to have a drink with people. There are some good tasting zero beers. I found a few that do the trick. I get all the benefits of drinking, with none of the downsides. I can have a drink, but I won't have alcohol in the drink.

This woman is like alcohol. I get in a state when she triggers me and pushes me. It feels like she is trying to turn things back on me so she doesn't have to look at herself. It feels like putting me in my place. It also feels like a defense mechanism. I feel misunderstood at that point, so I go with more explanation. I feel like it takes over me to try and make things right. I feel like my experience is being dismissed, and it feels as though I'm being treated unfairly. I didn't have the presence of mind to stop there. The alcohol got me, and I charged forward, not recognizing the danger, This woman is dangerous for me. I cannot allow myself to go anymore into that territory. I'm looking for a non-alcoholic drink. She is alcohol. She is that kind of alcohol that has me scared to take a single sip.

Some people can handle alcohol without being as affected. Alcohol is still bad for me. I can't handle it. I don't see any benefits to alcohol. I can have all the good times without it. My life is better without it. My life is better without her. I told her a few things that were an attempt to seek some understanding. I understood her position, and I sought understanding for my position. She refused to understand. It never felt like I was being listened to. I want some emotional intimacy, but it wasn't safe. She didn't seem able to handle her own emotional state, and I didn't want to put mine on her.

I had a dream last night where she and I were in the car with her aunt. This aunt was saying that she was happy to help by the plane ticket to get her home. The girl accepted the help and said she would pay them back. The aunt got out of the car and went into the grocery store. I was in the car, but I began to think that maybe this girl didn't tell them that she already received money for these things. (back to reality, I don't think this girl noticed when I sent her money, she never said anything, and the accounting I did adds up to more than what I was saying I'd send). My thought in that car was whether to tell the aunt that she did receive money for those things. I also wondered who she told about how much she had to spend while leaving out the part that she was given money to buy things.

Not dreaming anymore. I wonder the same thing now. How did she tell the story so it looked so hard for her? How was I framed in that story? She didn't want me contacting her family, and I wonder if it's because she was afraid I would tell them my side of the story and my side would match her side. I wonder if she took money from them. Probably not, I will say here that I don't think she did. That doesn't sound like her. It doesn't sound like the woman she says she is. But I also know that her dad offered to pay for her to leave if necessary. So, I'll never know what really happened. The mind wonders though.

I'm a little sad that I can't be there. I have a special place in my heart for that woman. She was like a child to me. I treated her that way because she acted that way. I loved the childlike wonder in her. I have a childlike sense in me that met her and played with her. When it was time to do adult things, we needed to be adults. Her immaturity and inability to see past her own immediate needs really drove me crazy. She said she had a five year plan once, but I never heard the plan. I never saw her commit to the plan. I began to doubt what she said because it didn't add up. She would say a lot of things, and she wouldn't follow through. She would get tired of it and just move on to the next thing. It wasn't happening fast enough, so she would find a reason to stop. She would go do something else that gave an immediate reward.

My mother told me that I never listened to her advice. Mom was telling me things so I wouldn't have to learn the hard way. This girl and I are exactly the same. She doesn't want to be told what to do, neither do I. I thought I knew better, and she thinks she knows better. It's funny that way. I learned to take advice as I got older. I don't have to learn the lessons the hard way. But when I was younger, I just couldn't listen to good sense. I was, still am, stubborn that way. I thought something, and I think now that I know better because they don't know this or that or some thing that is only in my head through what I've experienced. I forgot that they lived a life too. They are not trying to control me, they are trying to help me.

I had to learn to accept help. I need help sometimes. I can't do it all on my own. I have to admit that I don't know what I'm talking about. I have to accept that my way sounds good to me, but it still might be the wrong way. I also believe I inherited a lot of my bad traits from generational traumas. I may not understand them, but I can offer grace and compassion for others in their position. It is not my responsibility to save them. It is my responsibility to save me. I am the one who needs protecting from this woman. I am the one who must walk away.

I will offer a gift. If they choose to receive it, that's them. I will let them make their own decisions. I must also let me walk away when it becomes obvious that this woman will never become non-alcoholic, non-toxic. I am working on myself, and they drag me back to a version of myself that I don't like. I cried because I repeated the pattern. It was a similar feeling to when I cried in jail because I repeated the pattern of getting drunk and driving. If this woman would ever show up with humility and acceptance of fault, then we could talk. I can't talk to her while she thinks she has it all figured out and wants to hide the truth from herself. I wish I could have said that instead of what I did say. I wish she enjoyed the process of repair as much as I do. I love growing together in the process of repair. We are all humans and make mistakes. The concept is owning the mistake and coming together to repair. The "I'm sorry you had to go through that" is not the same as "I'm sorry I put you through that."