I want to discuss the concept of protection. I have a better understanding of protection now. I thought it meant to do something to fix their problem and get them to safety. I now understand it to mean that I stand with them and protect them from the mean person who is yelling at them. I became the yelling person. I was not the protector.

This I understood today. And I learned it from the last chapter of this book that gave me the final piece of information to round out the theory of how to behave. I also had an interaction today with people and I think it was open and went well and was protective and it was humble and fun and we kept the cool without being self defeatist or braggadocios. I believe I got the chance to practice some things and have learned to reinforce the concept of being a protector and talking someone up all the time. I can be the bragger for other people, and I can brag to their face when they are doing a good job. If they get down on themselves, I can lift them up and find compassion.

Highly recommend reading the last chapter first. Then the chapter before the last. The book gave the example of someone standing with a protector. The child has been used to being yelled at by her uncle, and she retains explicit and implicit memories from that event. The protector is with the child to keep the child safe and stop the person yelling at them. The child feels safe with the protector. The child is able to be safe in those moments, to feel safe. The implicit memories stop having such a grasp on the child when they feel safe with their protectors. There is nothing wrong with the person, they developed protective strategies because of the trauma. It is an ingenious move by the mind to develop the protective strategies in response to the trauma. The child no longer needs those strategies, and they are safe.

I was supposed to be the protector. Instead, I was the yelling uncle.

The emotional pain that I caused is inexcusable, and I am truly sorry for not being the protector.

I grieved becoming this person. I thought it was over at a time, like I had learned something. Apparently... I didn't learn it good enough. It was already too late for this relationship. For now, I won't claim forever. This woman is still special to me. It is not because I am not worthy of her love, and I am not afraid of love. I am afraid that I will hurt again, by hurting her or by getting hurt. It is not fun to harm a loved one. I know this pain.

There is a guy who told me the story of when he accidentally shot his own kid. I didn't understand what pain he felt. It had been a few years since then, and he seemed well adjusted, but it still hit his heart and he didn't talk about it often. I am trying to think of that situation with a sense of more compassion with the thought of loving someone so much, and wanting to keep them safe, but then to accidentally harm them in a way that causes them to die. Being the cause that kills a loved one.

I didn't know what a loved one was until a little later in life. My dad doesn't get upset when a pet dies. I typically wouldn't be too hung up if someone died. I tended to internalize and move on quickly. I notice the compassion and empathy more these days.

The other half of this story involves the lesson to be learned in all of this. I wonder how I became the person who was capable of harming a loved one. I was in a rage, in a sense, not violent rage, but an argumentative state with a raised voice. It was a verbal fight and I lost the moment that I lost my cool. The word rage is used to illustrate the blindness to the actions taking place, turned into Mr. Hyde, blacked out for a minute. When I came to, the harm had been done, and I had to live with the consequences. Unfortunately for me, Mr. Hyde looks and sounds like me, the transformation isn't a physical one.

Okay, I'll admit, playing a little hard on the out of control talk. That's not what I'm saying here. There is control. There is a way to not go there. It involves a presence of mind. That's like telling me that I need to go up without telling me which part of the body to move to go up. And that's where the work of healing and the practice of meditation can help to keep the mind present in those moments. With the therapy style work, the practice of yoga can fill all of the other requirements. It becomes a skill of being with the peopl we are with. I see how far I have to go, but only that I learned something so I know less. The more I learn, the less I know.

I can say the learning is never complete. This book gave me the gift of self forgiveness and compassion. I was beating myself up for making the mistake of going there again, repeating the pattern. I should have... Those types of statements flood my mind. I tried my best, and I can try again. It will be better next time. I am still learning this, and I wanna say that I went 9/10 on the last attempt. I was doing so good. The learning really was working, the work is working. I must give myself that credit. That's the compassion I offer to the other as well. I recognize how much you gave, and I see how much you are doing. It is enough. You are enough. Keep going. It's working.

I will say that it feels like it was rushed again. I have to laugh at it because it's different manifestation of a repeat of a cycle of a cycle stemming from the same wounds and trauma responses playing out in a another facet, and that feels pretty damn universe mystery trying to tell me something. It's something that went too fast, thinking that it was good this time. It is a perfect storm. Pushing on all the buttons (imagine that statement in sexy voice with a wink). It just can't be, right now, and maybe not ever, but I'll never say never lol. 😉