Always encourage. The person is trying their best, and they are already beating themselves up. Here's another saying to add to the list: Never be the one to put another down, they are doing that to themselves enough. Matches with, never be the one to tell myself no, other people will do that enough. I chose to criticize instead of encourage at times. It confused me about how to communicate and build someone up. I confused this type of communication. But I also have to say that it didn't confuse me. I ran out of tools and mechanisms of coping. I will admit that I lost patience and stopped being present. I am not in a position to criticize anyone, that's not my place. I hold no special knowledge about how to do this life thing. I always thought I was just helping when I shared something that I had learned. That made me feel special and listened to. I wanted to diagnose and be the shortcut answer for someone else. In that, I am denying the process, and it seems like the subconscious message is they are not capable. Encouragement is the answer.

I can't seem to stop myself from jumping in with advice and helping someone. I usually make sure it's allowed by asking for consent prior to giving advice. I didn't ask for consent on this one. That was a mistake on my part. "I'm just gonna say this because I care and you need to hear it..." That line is bullshit. It places someone else beneath me. I claimed that I wasn't belittling, but there's the evidence against my claim. I claimed I wasn't being abusive, but I raised my voice and said with authority that they are repeating a pattern and put this person down, instead of building them up. I mistook the tough love for compassionate love. I didn't know the difference at one time, and I discredited the difference and maybe that's the love I am afraid of.

I want to acknowledge them and all the hard work they've put in. I want to congratulate them for coming this far, a strong survivor. That which I believed became true, and I said the right words to get exactly what I was afraid of. But, it is never the last time, and when I get the opportunity again, I will say the right words, the encouraging words, the loving words.

You are awesome and know exactly what to do. I have full faith in you. I'm sorry I didn't use these words before. You got this! Keep Going!

This is an apology, long-winded at times, and I could be wrong in some areas. I decided to turn all the things I said about someone else back on myself. I only know projection, and I see in others what I see in myself. If I am mean to myself, then I will be mean to others, and I'll likely defend my actions as love, but really it's just fear on my part. I am working to forgive myself, and that's the hardest one. I have forgiven her, unconditionally. Am I allowed to crack a joke that she was my kryptonite? Made me laugh, so we'll keep it.

I hurt her, and that can't happen again. She won't let it. I won't let it. I need to go away for a while to learn more about how to fully integrate this shadow self. I must leave her alone while I do this work, and while she does this work. I want to believe it is possible that we could do this work together, but then I see the damage that I cause in that process. I feel the hurt that process caused me. I seem to remember not having fully forgiven the other and repaired properly, and that making me see the other as that worst version. I try to be on benefit-of-the-doubt mode, and I am not usually wanting to put someone down. I regret it when it happens, and I want to repair. I sense an internal need for connection and repair that didn't exist before. This might be empathy as it's described in books. I have a human need to connect, and we are meant to live life together.

I have been so alone my whole life, and I let the worst of me come out when I found someone that would truly accept me. I couldn't accept that part of me that hurt her. I didn't want to see that as a part of me, and I wasn't able to acknowledge that what I was doing was harmful to her. That part of me won't always be so reactive. Maybe it will not be active at all. It will always be part of my past, but I will be the warrior in the garden, treating my plants with care. There's some fertile ground here to work with my therapist about, how to tame the warrior. It came as a complete shock to the system to realize that I was the one causing real harm and undoing the work that had been done because I didn't know how to do the extra steps needed for a complete healing. I had covered up the wounds pretty good, and I thought it was good to go. That was a mistake. I know now that the real work involves looking at this stuff, and it's hard work. Therapy is hard, but it's a safe place to process and relive difficult emotions.

I am extremely hurt by how this all went down, and I became the worst version of myself, and I brought out the worst in them. I saw a side of myself that I didn't want to look at. It feels at times that something profound was revealed. I still say that I never want to miss someone. That means something different to me than it does to most, but some people understand why I don't want to miss someone. It's real now. I miss my bubbly wife.

She wanted to do all those things and have fun with me doing it. I made it not fun at times. I mistook her words and actions for needing me. She didn't need me. She just wanted me by her side because I used to make her feel like everything was possible. I turned at some point to make her feel like she wasn't good enough. I felt the turn at some point also. I believe it was fear that didn't allow the conversation. I couldn't take action toward getting better because I didn't see the problem that she saw. I couldn't be the problem because of how painful that truth is to accept.

I don't get a chance to know the new woman. That's something I miss as well. Ms. Bubbles still exists, because that's who she is. I really believe in her. I see that I earned the label, and I'm the toxic one who just gets triggered and says some shit that caused harm. I then come back to apologize for getting it wrong and reacting. My reaction has tended to be saying the wrong words that bring someone down instead of building them up. I used this as a way to keep myself safe from hurting. If I can control the situation, then I can control how much pain I feel. Or so the thought process went. The protective mechanism is ingenious, and it totally works to keep other away that can harm me. It is not how to operate moving forward. I am aware of it, and I can go to those moments where it's painful and learn that I am safe even when it doesn't feel safe. The mentality can be to slow down in that moment and realize that I have trained for this. Remember my training!

I imagine and relive other moments through semi-guided experiences, and it's doing something profound at telling myself that I am safe. I am really seeing how I can be different in the future and set clear boundaries and hold boundaries to protect my peace. A crucial component is communicating and listening better. I need to see the person and encourage them to keep going instead of getting angry. When I get angry and speak, I can say things that are harmful. The other person has already beat themselves up over this stuff. I messed this up in the moments where I spoke from a place of anger. I still feel like I was being cheated on, and that moment is one where I must be my best self. I went to my worst, and I destroyed what was there because it was easier than facing the truth. I subconsciously tried to take control to protect myself. If it were on my terms, then I can justify the other person being the problem and being unwilling to change. I can admit that I was immature and acted like a child in that moment.

Not to say it was salvageable or we ever should have been trying to talk after only a couple months, but I could have not said anything. I tried one last time to save her, and I am still writing with some hope that she can learn something from my writing. That's just a softer version of the same thing. I understand what she was trying to say. I didn't see that part of my behavior as a problem. I had been encouraged to speak truth and say what is seen and be tough and strong, and all that nonsense. Because I have to, and not because she doesn't know this, just to say this is what I know.... There's my red flag. I have some urge to help even when my help isn't wanted. I am really working on this every chance I get. I get lots of practice. I make the mistake sometimes even with all the practice. I treated my loved ones the way I treat myself. Learning to treat myself with kindness.

I think about being embarrassed about sharing what is written sometimes, and I think that I feel more like being known than unknown. I'll be the first to say that I'm crazy. The process is a scary one and has been quite the roller coaster for a few months. Three months to the day, boom! The roller coaster is coming to an end. Let's see what the world offers next.

This longer than expect apology came with context and a more complete theory. I wonder if the universe gave me this person as a teacher, and when I finally learn the lesson, the person will be gone. Random thought: I get this deep sense that we feel the exact same, because we are so alike, and I also have to admit that she is better at moving on than I am. I might have an idea that her moving on methods of having fun and reconnecting with self and going back into the world to do different things is actually a huge strength, and it's something she is getting right. I shared my life with her, and she built a new one around us. I am jealous a little that she gets to go have these new experiences to find herself, and I am stuck with who I am. I need to start over and find what really brings me joy again? That's the answer, and I just wanna be heard to say that it is fucking difficult when I enjoyed sharing this life with her, I'm old, and I am still living the same life, just no her.

I am asking for forgiveness from the other. I meditate on forgiveness. I ask the universe, I ask myself, and I ask her. I hope I can receive forgiveness. One might say that nothing is given, so take everything. That would be wrong. Forgiveness is given, and it cannot be taken, it must be accepted. Encouragement is given. Laughter is given. Hugs are given. Kisses are given. Compliments are given. Hope is given. Love is given.

Listen to this song: I'll Wait by The Strumbellas

Always, always....

I'm still typing and saying too much, but I'll blame the song. You know I do it all for... Nobody's perfect... To catch you... Changed my habits and faced my demons. It has to change. It will change. Time heals all wounds. Let's look forward to something, dream with me...

p.s. set the boundary and watch someone cross it, then after they are aware, they can get another chance after being made aware, loved ones get more chances (emotions do funny things), but random people will show me who they are the first time. Don't let anyone cross the boundaries who then gaslights to get me questioning myself about having to set the boundary. This is something you already know. Trust yourself.