It's a tragic tale of two lovers who met across the world and against all odds. It was a twist of fate that brought them together. I cruel test of the universe of two people. The universe it tempted them with smiles and love. The feeling of finally belonging, and it was up to them to make it work. The times were ecstacy, out of the ordinary, and a perfect storm all at once. Everything was possible if only they'd waited. Each claiming to know, but tragically unaware. The stubborn beauty and the beast. The beast was all that and more, he let his anger drive the train and unresolved wounds tell the story. Should this poem rhyme or is it okay in present glory.

Both things can be true, and nothing set in stone. We find ourselves together before we find ourselves alone. The heavens wrote our love story across the stars and the skies. The universe fades to focus where it's her beauty that steals my eyes. I've longed before I loved and loved until I lost. The difficulty of the moment is absolutely worth the cost. I burdened so many others and defended and shifted blame. I am guilty of the actions, and the impacts are mine to claim. I only ask for fairness because I really tried. We had a communication problem that couldn't survive the husband and the bride. My words were met with skepticism by my counterpart, and all my work and all my healing couldn't soften my heart. I am not sure where to take the longest road I know. I played an infinite game and didn't continue the play. I lost the infinite game when I quit that day. The game is never over because I have never stopped. It may be different players, the old ones may be dropped.

This poem turned too simple for my tastes. I write these words while sitting and thinking. Next item to learn is how to set and keep boundaries. That feels like a skill I should have to protect me from people who just cross boundaries. That seems like a good way to protect my peace. It may also help me to understand when others set boundaries. I also need to be aware enough to listen. I can totally see how slowing down to process and give benefit of the doubt. Also to recognize there is more than what is being told to me. Just because I didn't hear what I wanted to hear doesn't mean they don't know more than me. It is not an exhaustive list. And then I can ask permission to share. I was doing so good for a minute, so I'll give myself some credit. I recognize that I am probably going through the same things as before, but it feels different. Apparently... I need to learn it better. This is some training by getting the reps in lol.

I have a memory that is of training in the sport when I was learning to teach and I wasn't any good at it. I just kept trying until I got better. I knew better and I knew different, and I was frustrated as hell. I was taking responsibility for not being good, meaning I was really hard on myself. I was about to quit. I had someone encourage me to keep going. I kept trying, and I got better. I should have said that. I criticized instead. I offered my suggestion instead of telling them they are doing a good job. I wonder why that is. I wonder this because in other situations that come up all the time and I don't offer my suggestion. It seems I do this in a bad way sometimes, perhaps I am embarrassing the person, perhaps it's my word choice though. I am leaning more towards words and timing. You're doing such a great job and getting better every time. there is no rush, this life keeps going, and I'm happy to slow down with you. You're my favorite person. I failed at that again, and I need to remind myself that I am also my favorite person, that other person is just like me, so they are also my favorite, even though they drive me crazy to the point of raising my voice to shut down and win a conversation. That is easier to my mind that dealing with the emotional experience, and I understand why, I have been made to be wrong unfairly before, and I have been made to be wrong falsely before. It means something to me to be misunderstood, and I'm not sure where this implicit memory comes from, and I am not sure why it affects me so much that I need to defend myself and make a point of it. It doesn't happen all the time, and I need to correct the record of my reputation in my mind. I can accept my part of failure, but I get some feeling that I am made the whole cause and it feels unfair to be accused of things I didn't do. I accept the things that I did, and I have trouble accepting the things I didn't do. One if I just took credit for all the things. What if I recognize that the other person was doing so well before I cam along?

They had been aware of the emotional triggers, and they had done work to adjust in life. I have some memory of actually being there to be a safe space, and I don't know when it shifted from me being nice and accepting to me being not accepting. I have one memory in mind, and it goes back a little bit through connections. It was when therapy was stopped and the thing with the other lady with the book was stopped, and it felt really like someone wasn't doing the work anymore. It was only a couple months later that I couldn't keep myself together for much. Maybe I lost something then. I accepted the decision from the other and didn't protest at the time. I could have offered more money to pay for it, but I accepted the reason given. I could have softly asked questions to get to the root of what was really going on. I knew she didn't like when I suggested that, and perhaps what she was saying in her head. Maybe I just didn't give her time to say that. My defensive side says that there was plenty of time, but I'm on benefit of the doubt.

I feel a certain way about the things, and I need some time to practice being nice to people. But it's really easy to be nice when I'm not in that triggered mode. How do I know to handle the trigger mode? I thought on this one a bit, and the working theory is that a little pause and disengage is a great technique. If either person feels tensions, they are allowed to call pause. If I have a desire defend, it is probably a good time to call pause. If I am feeling attacked, it is a good time to call pause. Both people being aware of their bodies and physical states during these moments of stress is a nice way to tell if the body is reacting to the emotions. When that happens, I have read there are actual physical changes in the body. For me, I can notice the feel of fight or flight, it's a mode that happens quickly, the feeling is that of an increased heart rate and body temperature while feeling the need to do something to protect myself from the oncoming attacks, it is a shift in the mental state and the listening is affected. This book said there is an actual change in the ear that changes the hearing to more abstract noises. There is a muscle that tightens when feeling safe and it allows closer listening. When the unsafe feeling happens, the muscle relaxes to get a broader range of listening, not the focus listening. Biological reasons for this, and the mind can't tell the difference between the tiger and the memory of the tiger. So I'm learning. I guess it is up to me to actually follow through with handling these feelings. I know she is doing the same thing. I didn't express that with my words because I gave my opinion without knowing whether it was welcome or not, and I ended with criticism.

There's a lot here about different things going on, and I also understand from that same book (and others) that healing is possible through identifying and feeling and healing the implicit memories. The explicit memory will always be there. I will have always caused whatever wounds in other, and they will have always done what they did. The goal is not to erase the past. The goal is to accept what happened, and recognize that it doesn't have to have such a hold on me today or in the future. I am worthy of love. I do deserve to be loved. I am enough. I am a good person. Even if I fail at being perfect, I am still enough.

It feels really unfair what I did in the latest conversation. I dismissed what she was doing as not enough. I really didn't want to do that. I only wanted to make my suggestion and leave it at that. I don't know what she's doing, we don't talk about those things. I really wish we did, but she's afraid I would tell her that she's doing it wrong, kinda like I kinda did... Yep... There's that... I only wanted to help, but this is definitely a Let Them situation, and I missed that somehow. She wanted to give context and help explain because I asked, and that's when I felt the physical sensation. That's when I notice the shift from me being safe to me feeling unsafe. It was the feeling that my lady wasn't my lady anymore, and I should have been more vulnerable, but I was trying to wear the mask that it didn't bother me, and man oh man did it bother me. I was affected in a way I didn't expect. It wasn't just some one time thing, it was something that had been going on for a while. Whatever that something was, it doesn't really matter and context definitely doesn't help here. It was a conversation, it was ongoing something, it wasn't just one night and never see the person or speak again. It became a casual relationship. In my mind at least. That was much more than I was ready to hear. I didn't care about once and done, I cared that it wasn't done. It was what told me that all my efforts were failing and she was gone, and there was no chance of being friends because I can't handle it if she is seeing another guy on a regular basis. I can handle it, but I can't handle hearing about it, not today. That day will come, because she will, and I will. But neither one of us wants to think of the other moving on from what we had to find something else. That feeling hurts. I can guess how it felt on the other side, other shoes. Admittedly, I don't know what is in her head.

I do not want to leave it how it was left. I don't know if that chance will come. I can't remember a time where I wanted to make a repair so bad. It might be me trying to make one more excuse to talk and then turn that into regular contact and then make the same mistake again, but that thought is pretty pessimistic and doesn't give credit to either side for growing and recognizing areas that still need work. It feels like condemning the other to not being capable of change is also unfair. It might be fair to say that we're not there yet, and we're getting better every day. I look forward to the day that I have the presence and calmness of mind to call for a pause and set and respect boundaries. That's when things won't be a problem anymore. I'm getting there, not perfect yet, not sure I ever will be, progress not perfection. I will end with forgiveness.