I made several promises, and I kept most of them. I've got the echoes telling me how I didn't, but they're just imaginary voices and not telling the truth.

I just want to talk more.... Det är aldrig för sent....

Jag kan skriva det här meddelandet på svenska. Om vi pratar igen, kommer vi att prata svenska. Vi måste prata lite långsammare, men vi kan göra det. Jag har velat att prata svenska med dig, men vi har inte gjort det. Du tappade nästan dina engelska ord, så vi pratade engelska. Nej... Det är inte så. Vi pratade inte svenska eftersom jag ville prata engelska och inte kände mig bekväm med att prata svenksa med dig.

I learned this in the Breadwinner movie. It was about me getting what I wanted without putting in the work to make it work. I was kidding myself to think it was for you. It was, but it was also selfish of me. We talked about that though. So, I won't repeat the discussion here too much. I am just noticing.

My promise to give you this divorce is almost kept. Now that one, that promise, is the hardest one I ever kept. It takes one piece of paper to stop this. There is time to stop it. We have until midnight tonight to be married. I love being married to you.

I was waiting to cry again. Here it is, and I love it 🙂

Your phone call was just perfect. I can hardly describe what it meant to me. I don't know if I fully grasp it. But I didn't cry when I woke up on Tuesday and Wednesday. I didn't spend time apologizing to the mirror. I didn't write a letter that was me noticing something small that we could have done instead. It was exactly what I needed. Thank you.

This reminds me of something about timelines. Timelines are manmade (or womanmade). It is my expectation of when something should happen by. My timeline is usually a source of disappointment. Something doesn't happen when I want it to happen or when I think it should happen, and that leads me to distress. Adjusting the timeline is all it takes to be successful again. If I didn't make it happen today, then I add tomorrow. Although, there is the other side of this coin that would say I don't need more time, I need a deadline. I was given a deadline. I couldn't have done anything at all in the timeframe given, or in any timeframe. It is not in my control.

Certain things are in my control, and on those I focus. At least, I try to keep my focus there. It's a process of returning.

I talked to Joe about talking to you. I wasn't going to say anything but he caught me when he walked up to the car yesterday and saw your name on the dash... Oops...

I keep getting caught being in love lol. I thought I was being sneaky. I thought I could hide it. Yet, one cannot hide the true feelings very long. At least I can't.

I have a thought, and it goes like this: "I want her back!" "I want to be with her!" "I just wanna talk!"

The way it winds itself down from everything to just something, breadcrumbs even. A starving man will do much for crumbs. But I am not starving, and those thoughts aren't me. I understand why they are there, and I respect the thought for what it is. It is just me feeling some connection and wanting it to continue in some form. So, I am still not ready. Not ready for something else and not ready for her. I'm ready to be alone for a bit longer.

"You check all the boxes." There's a line I've said before. The part that was left out though, that's the more interesting part. That part: "you are the one who made the boxes in the first place." The sentiment isn't so much, you fit the mold. But it is closer to, the mold was made around you. Because you broke the mold, and we made a new one based on you. I didn't know what I was looking for until I found you.

I am reading this book and learned something new, again. When Olive was talking with Tom and Adam's house, she was all in her head about how Tom must have hated it because of how little he talked. She went on for more than a page about how she was already planning for the worst. As it turns out, the thoughts were wrong. Tom very much did like it. He assumed she knew that. In Tom's position, I can see it. He went through all this trouble and showed interest and moved thing around last minute to make this happen. That level of interest means "yes." It would be inconceivable for me to go through all that just to get to a "no." But, big BUT, Olive didn't know this. She has her own insecurities, as we all do. She planned for the worst. Her life experience has taught her that silence means "no." Whereas, Tom was in his head, in his laptop, had five things going and was preparing for travel the next day. He didn't need to say anything because his actions were saying it.

Tom actually made it a question. He knew his answer, Olive was invited, but he needed her answer, is she actually coming. Have I mentioned lately how much I love novels. These are people, and they do people things. The insights gained are simply invaluable. I get the opportunity to see inside the mind of someone else. It's so crazy that I had such a prejudice against these types of books. Perhaps I was afraid that I would be affected and changed. Maybe it was that I wasn't ready to see that I had it wrong for so long. I defended my choice in an attacking way. I would discredit the books and those men who would read them.

I have a childhood memory that persists, and maybe that has something to do with it. I'll share that on the phone or in person, not in the writing though.

I love the idea of book club with my best friend! I laugh. I am laughing because I have thoughts of book club with others, and it's definitely not as good. Others just don't see the same, think the same, understand the same, connect the same, just not the same at all. There is no feeling behind it. Maybe that's me. Maybe I'm the picky one.

I don't like being touched, except by one. I'm not sure if I ever shared how much I didn't like to be touched. I didn't like to sit next to people too close, even the girl I was seeing or dating or whatever the situation was. I couldn't sleep with another in the bed. I couldn't be touched while sleeping. I remember freaking out once when someone touched me while I was sleeping. I used to wake up and push them away. I would tell them to sleep in the other room. I would sleep in the other room. I didn't want to hold hands. I didn't want to be held or hugged. It was a whole thing, for most of my life, maybe all of it. I don't remember that not being a thing, not until I met my wife.

I wanted her next to me. It felt so special to fall asleep with my hand on her leg. I wanted her to touch me. Come hold me. I want to hold you. I want to be touched by you. I want to be close, so close that I can feel your presence, so close that I can smell your breath and feel its warmth on my skin. I just want to hold her hand.

Okay, I got those thoughts out. Is this one even appropriate for posting? I can observe the thoughts, thank them for what they mean to me, and still understand that she is not going to hold my hand.

I'm just like Olive. I am no different in my insecurities. I may be a little different because I am not going for a PhD in STEM to pursue academia. The girl is pretty freaking smart. My wife would do something like that. She pursues education, and she is so darn intelligent. She has the book smarts, and she has the people smarts. We were working on her street smarts hehe. She didn't grow up in the streets like some of us hoodlums lol.

It's comments like the last sentence that have me on the fence. Is that nice? Is it funny? I hope so. I don't know though. If it causes any kind of offense, then not funny and we won't make jokes like that. But I would think this benign enough to be funny to think of me as some street hoodlum.

There I go with insecurity. Olive is a kindred spirit, and I totally get where she's coming from. I am even on the sunscreen team with Olive. Anh is tripping on some sunscreen. And Olive is definitely falling in love with Adam. I am right there with her about not sending all those things that the other person for sure wouldn't be interested in. Of course they wouldn't be interested in my thoughts and theories about something small and insignificant. It was just a moment of laugh that could have been shared, but in this fake-dating relationship, there are rules and boundaries.

Olive is tip-toeing around the boundaries she thinks should be present. She has not confirmed these with Adam. Adam is doing the same thing. We'll get that later, for sure. I am betting money there will be a chapter later where Adam confesses that he would love to receive those messages and he fell for this girl but tried to be cool. He didn't want to go beyond the boundaries either. I'm betting 100kr that some version of this happens. If I get to that chapter, I'll send 100kr, and you'll know why lol.

Well, I didn't write this in Swedish, and I definitely don't have the vocabulary to write this. I'm still like a 5yr old in my Swedish. That's why we would have to talk slower. I'm willing to put the time in and take it slow. I just want to go slow. The slow way is the fastest way to get there. I need to be the one to tell myself "no." Today, I am telling myself "no" more than I ever did before. I recognize that I am kinda full on at times, and I move too fast. Slowing down is the key.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you be loved.

Psst... Hey... Psst, psst... Hey you.... You want some love? I know a guy. He's got that good stuff. That's that shit like you never seen before. I got the hookup on that good good. Pure, straight from the source.

And I got jokes too...

Det är aldrig för sent. Jag väljer dig, nu och för alltid. Jag älskar dig, sweetheart.