Yep. I knew that would happen. She left again. I can characterize it however I want to. She doesn't get a say in how her conduct appears from the outside. It doesn't even matter. But it does matter, and it means a lot to me. I won't let the hurt little boy take over this discussion.

There are probably deeper lessons here. It feels like I was lied to. It feels like I fell for it. I had a feeling this might happen.

I revisited a lot of the material from several months ago to get a refresher because I don't ever want to get there again. I wish I knew the perfect words to say because I would say them now.

Alright, this is not the first time. It hurts a little less this time. I know it will be okay. I knew that before. There is still a grieving process that takes place, but the knowledge that it will work out keeps me going through the tough times.

My words aren't coming to me. I will just write some random stuff. Tears are familiar at this point. Being let down is becoming a pattern. My life keeps going just as planned: solo. One day, it's hope, the next day is despair. Probably not in the extreme sense, but it's a twinge of sadness that creeps along and lets me know that being alone is not the way I prefer things. But that gets us to preferences.

Preferences are what get me wanting one thing and disappointed when that thing doesn't happen. The ultimate zen mode is to dispense with preferences. That's what I heard. And it seems to hold true if there is no preference then there is no disappointment. Something like that.

Just so you guys know, I'm okay. I'm not totally okay, but that's okay. I will give the best of me. I will also take a moment for myself to acknowledge and feel emotions.

I definitely have a sarcastic thought though lol. I don't want to put anyone on the spot or call out behavior. Here's the thought, it makes me laugh a little: what unknown test did I fail this time? *chuckles*

I was a child and she was a child in this kingdom by the sea. But we loved with a love that was more than love. I and my Annabel Lee.

If I ask, are they there for me? The answer must be "no." If the question becomes, am I there for me? The answer will certainly be "yes."

In an effort to be the supportive friend for myself, we shall play out the conversation:

Me: What happened? Why was there a change? What did I do??

Friend: I'm sorry, man. I know how much you wanted that and how excited you were about the new ideas.

Me: *tears

Friend: I'm here, let it out.

Me: But what does it mean?

Friend: I don't know. I wish I could give you the answer.

Me: What do I do now?

Friend: Are you asking for my advice?

Me: Yes.

Friend: You keep doing the same thing you were doing. Life is good, right?

Me: Well, yeah...

Friend: Then keep going. You already know how to do it. You've done it before. It sucks, for sure. But you can handle it. There is no question this time about whether you can handle it.

Me: Okay, yeah, thank you. I still have so many questions! "Why" being the most puzzling one.

Friend: I have the same question. Can we get an answer, though?

Me: No, probably not. There is only one person who has the answer, and I'm not aksing them.

Friend: Well, if you know where to find the answer, why don't you ask that person?

Me: I'm working on assumptions here. I don't have clear communication on the subject. I won't ask that person because I am assuming they don't want to talk to me. I have no indication that a conversation could take place. I also want to be respectful. If someone leaves the conversation, they must have their reasons. I don't want to press them to continue something they chose to leave.

Friend: Are you just saying this stuff to convince yourself?

Me: Yes... I have to try to convince myself. It starts with the thoughts and words. So I have to say these things to make them true. Even though my feelings desire to continue something.

Friend: I get that. I do the same thing, trying to talk myself into a state of mind. It works too. Let me ask you this, if we had a magic wand, what would you change?

Me: Ya know... I'm not sure what I'd change. Knowing what I know today, would I have still have done the same? But that doesn't answer the magic wand question. I wish I could talk to my best friend, regularly, without fear of being or saying too much. I guess I'm too much.

Friend: *chuckles* You're not too much. You are just right. Life gets tough, that's for certain. It becomes a little easier with a best friend to be there with us through the tough parts. So, I understand where you're coming from.

Me: Thank you. I still wonder if there's anything to do or if doing nothing and moving forward is preferable.

Friend: Let them. That feels appropriate here. Let them do their thing. Let them leave. Let them go, perhaps.

Me: Alright, Mel... I hear that, but I have trouble with it because it feels rude to just up and leave. Especially if it's someone I care about.

Friend: It ain't easy. Letting them, that is. But it could also be argued as quite easy. Letting someone do something requires nothing from me. I can just not do anything. In that sense, it's easy. I will acknowledge the difficulty comes from not wanting to let them go, or wanting something more than nothing. Remember we talked about preferences?

Me: Ah, yes. I definitely agree there. It sounds easy, but the mind makes it hard. Rumination and intrusive thoughts dominate the mind at times. That's the hard times. It is much easier when I'm distracted with all sorts of things going on.

Friend: Then, keep it busy. Time will pass, and things will fade into the distance. If I understand correctly, this isn't your first time?

Me: You understand correctly. I've done this probably five times this year. The roller coaster of highs and lows is getting a bit exhausting. Hot and cold, switching in an instant without warning. I can take a cold shower. I can take a hot shower. It's much less desirable if I don't know if it's hot or cold and it switches on me randomly. That has the potential to be a source of frustration. But I don't do frustration anymore. I recognize what something is, and I believe what is shown. I just move in silence to resolve the hot/cold issue. Either we fix this shower, or we find a new shower.

Friend: That's deep. I understand what you're getting at, I think. The back and forth is tough to deal with, and consistency becomes what is sought. I get the shower analogy. How does this work with people?

Me: Aha! Now, we get back to letting them. Let them. That's the answer, just as you gave it before. Let them do their thing. I don't have to stay around for the hot/cold. I can voice my preference for consistency. I cannot make it happen though. That's them. If they don't want to be consistent, I let them, and I find people who can be consistent. In that way, I remove any potential for frustration because I don't want anyone to be different than they are. I am not seeking to change them. I can't change people.

Friend: I'm happy to hear that. I am learning from you! These ideas are a solid foundation for keeping peace with oneself. I've spent a lot of time trying to change people, only to be frustrated at every attempt. Your words will save me from frustrations in the future.

Me: Thank you for talking to me about this. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to talk with me. I just needed to say some of these things to someone, and I am so grateful that you are there for me.

Friend: You are very welcome. I am happy we can have these conversations. It means so much to be able to be there for you. I am grateful to be your friend. Thank you for trusting me.