Midnight came and went.

Promise made, promise kept.

Aldrig för sent.

Long before the sunrise,

He wept.

There's a hand a poetry, but that spark rarely produces a flame in these hands. One month... One month remaining... That's how Nathan describes the future in his mind. He has found himself with a month to go and very little progress made. The entirety of the process begins in three weeks, but he has told himself that he's simply biding his time. He is on short time, but he doesn't fully grasp what that means yet.

Nathan wished silently that the world would stop for just a moment. He had no idea it would be this difficult. He just needs some time. Can you please come back later?

STOP!! is what screams in his mind.

And after the screams quiet in his mind, he takes a sober moment of reflection. The world does not stop. This ride is ongoing. There will be the ability to stop in a month. Nathan decides that for the next month he will watch the stars from a bed on the balcony.

Aum Namah Sivaya...

Nathan has taken up a spiritual path. His morning chants and meditation are something he has come to value immensely. He doesn't need a lot. His life has become a simple one. The ascetic life, but not quite that simple. Laughter rings through the dark, empty rooms of his home. Nathan is all but well, and all is well. That paradox lies just beyond the grasp of the conscious.

Special kind of hell...

It's the randomness of the mind that confuses Nathan so. But this confusion isn't something he decides to spend his time with. He has come to accept this random nature, and it doesn't seem to affect him as much because he isn't answering any question or making sense of anything, just noticing.

Two months ago, Nathan wrote a letter. The letter ended up being for himself, but he has decided to revisit the content. After time has passed, where does he land today? He asks himself what is still true and what feelings remain.

________

I've unblocked anything that was blocked. I choose not to fight anymore. The past is in the past, and I still consider you one of my favorite people. And, yes, I still feel love for you. We can't be friends how I want to be friends because I can't do it. I love you, and you are the woman I chose to marry. I say that with deep meaning, and I am sorry I did things that planted seeds of doubt instead of love.

It's my journey to figure out why this has affected me so much. I'm on that journey for sure. You’d like me if you got to know me today. I'm a really great guy. I’d probably like you if I got to know you today. It's definitely tough with the past and how I hurt you and how I felt hurt, and how recent it is.  We tried our best to love each other. We both loved more than ever. It's a tale as old as time that love can turn to hurting one another. We don't have to continue this cycle of hurting each other.  

Something that was said still haunts me from a few months ago.  I said you had red flags, and I wouldn’t date you.  That was defensiveness on my part.  I was defending from some core wounds.  Totally false.  Those aren’t red flags.  They are opportunities to get to know you better and be a safe space for you.  I’m not judging.  You’re simply the best.  Better than all the rest.

And I can now say how amazing you are at teaching after going to several different yoga classes.  I even tried to teach a yoga class, and that is so freaking hard!  You are incredible!!  The walking around during class does seem like a better way to teach.  After being in it for a few months, I see how walking aorund has advantages to help the students.  I also see that I was just a beginner at yoga when I didn’t understand your cues.  That was on me, not you.  And the way you do your sequencing is now something I hold in such high esteem.  You are such an incredible yoga teacher, and I look forward to attending one of your classes again.

I just caught myself rambling again.  Trying to say it all like it’s the last message.  We’ve done that many times already, and it’s never the last message lol.  The universe has a plan.  Trust the universe.  No patterns.  No tigers.  Everything is working out in our favor.  If not this, then something better is coming.

I’m looking forward to what the universe has in store.  If we knew what the future held, we’d be dancing naked on the beach.

Another note: turns out forgiveness exists within me, and I didn’t need forgiveness from others; I needed to be able to forgive myself for what I did to you.  I also solved the sex thing. Lots of changes, but really, they are just getting back to who I am.  The anger is not me.  The frustration is not who I am.  The silly, happy, fun, laughing, nice, kind, passionate, strong, dedicated, loving man; that’s who I am.  All that other negative stuff stemmed from insecurities and feelings of not being enough, childhood stuff.

In a moment of vulnerability, it still hurts to think that we didn’t make it work in California.  I have to assume you didn’t know how I really felt or what I thought.  I was confusing with my words at times, I know.  I didn’t want Yoglio.  I didn’t want that life.  It was not enough for me either.  It was not enough of the fun we know together.  That was not Us.  I’m sorry I didn’t communicate better.  I wanted you because you brought me so much hope and joy for the future. You shine so bright, brighter than the sun.  You saw the goodness in me. You saw a good husband in me. You saw a good father in me.  I see an amazing woman, wife, and mother in you.  All the temporary stuff we went through only makes us better.  We are not the people who fight each other; we are the people who love, understand, and support one another.  It’s who you are at your core that inspires me.  I am a better me because of you.

This email feels like honesty.  It doesn’t make me look very strong and manly, or at least my thoughts go there.  It feels different than trying to convince you that I’m right, trying to win, or trying to be understood.  This letter just shares some information, and it is intended to be kind and hopeful.  If you see it different, I have a new saying, modified from the fridge: I didn’t see it that way at all, can you give me more context about how that affected you?  Our previous saying offered context instead of seeking understanding.  It was backwards.

Oh shit, I see it now.  This letter could be seen as proving that I’ve learned something.  How can I talk to you without it being a performance?  Maybe it will take more time for my nervous system to regulate around you.  I am scared you’re going to hurt me again.  You might feel the same.  I have learned that your actions do not take away from me.  I practice loving myself even if thoughts might disagree.  The hurt I feel is emotional pain, but it does not make me less in any way.  And this letter is getting too long as I think of more things to say.

You are not obligated to respond.  I’m not asking for anything.  Maybe don’t respond.  I feel like a conversation between us right now will only make me love you more.  My love for you should be fading over time, so no worries there.  

And randomly, I found the song I want to play when my first child is born. My imagination shows me a scene where my wife is almost bursting at the belly with this baby. The song begins to play. Her water breaks, and we make our way to the hospital. We arrive at the hospital, smiling and excited, but twice as scared as our faces might show.  After hours of labor, I was by her side the whole time, holding her hand, telling her how great she’s doing and how much I love her.   We reach 1:45 in the song, and the baby is coming.  The joy is just beginning, and it starts with her sacrifice to carry and give birth to our first child. At 2:40 of the song, the doctor hands me our beautiful child.  I look at my precious child, and a flash of the future goes through my mind. First steps, each first day of school, and every smile in between.   At 3:30 of the song, I give our child to my beautiful wife for her to hold.  She kisses the child on the forehead and on both hands and feet.  This is our child, and we will love her and protect her.  At 4:00 in the song, we are looking at each other, kissing, and at the same time almost laughing and definitely crying with happiness, both of us more scared than ever because we just want to get this right.

The song is Canon & Gigue in D Major, P.37:Canon by Johann Pachelbel.

I’ll finish with a lovely message that I hope you enjoy as much as I did:

Either your delusional optimism is going to pay off or your delusional optimism is going to pay off.

I think you’ve earned a season where nothing dramatic happens and everything works out.

Life has put you through enough lessons. Expect to see some blessings very soon.

You’re going to fall in love with your life again. You don’t go through this much without something finally shifting in your favor.

If you’ve collected enough pain to write a book, but still choose to live like a poem of hope, please never change.

Being wildly delusional is the best use of your imagination.

I don’t think the universe puts this much hope in your heart unless it plans on giving you what you’re hoping for.

_______

Nathan listened to the song again. His feelings are stronger than before. He wonders how that happened. Fuck.... The thought goes like this, when does this end? The thoughts continue, it was real; that's what love is supposed to feel like; this shit is scary; I hope it never ends.

Nathan finds himself in shock. When the realization comes, he finds himself in tears. He thought it would get better, but the only change is that he stopped talking about it with other people because they don't understand, and they don't want to understand. He will not be a burden to others because of how he feels about this one woman. She is the reason for reasons. Oxygen...

Nathan thinks about the old ladies too. He would like to say hello to them. It was one of the old ladies who said that waiting until some time in the future just won't do. Perhaps she didn't say it explicitly to Nathan, but he got the idea from her. Work now, do the thing later. That's just wrong in so many ways. There's merit to it, of course, but it must be tempered. At 26yrs old, it's easy to start over, at 40yrs old, it's even easier to start over. Tomorrow never comes. There is only today.

A plan: meet, smile, love, baby, Bali... Go slow, savor the moments, love like today is all we have.

Nathan saved a post on Instagram. The post was of a mother and father doing yoga with their child. The child couldn't have been more than 3yrs old, and they were so cute doing baby yoga. The little down dog was soooo cute!

Fuck a job, let's live a life. Unless she wants a job, then she gets a job. What works for me doesn't always work for her. We are different people with different needs and wants. Mom is a great example of following the rules (her thoughts might argue this lol), and Dad is a great example of pushing the bounds of what is acceptable in polite society. There is no "right" way just like there is no wrong way.

This will be the end of this writing. We're switching back, away from fiction, and into the embodiment of these feelings. Shower time. Wanna join? I'll wash your back and put lotion on you afterward. 😉