I count it as one of the great achievements of my life that you chose to marry me. I will always remember the cliff where I held you as my wife for the first time. I will always remember the moment I saw you for the first time dancing in the restaurant. I will always remember when I kissed you like I missed you before you walked away and turned to look for the last time at the bottom of the stairs to a place we called home.

I am forever grateful for you. You showed me what it meant to be a friend, and you provided multiple examples of what friendship looks and feels like. You taught me about love. You taught me about myself.

I am on a different path today. I would have loved to receive our call of congratulations on the national championship and national record. I would have loved to see you with the sign you made. I look at it for inspiration occasionally. I like to believe you're still cheering me on the same way I'm cheering you on.

I want to ask you to call me. I ask myself what good can come of it. I also ask what the point is. I come back to one answer that makes any sense. It would seem selfish from a few perspectives. I could be seen as needing one more thing. I have all the possible negative thoughts coming to knock me down and tell me it shouldn't be attempted. I see them, and they have their validity.

The answer that makes sense though is that I would properly apologize and attempt a repair. Maybe we can cheer each other on from afar. Then the question is how that is different from now. So, am I trying to win something? To that, it's no. If not, then why say anything at all. I just walk away silently and let her live in peace without me. Here's the essence of the debate.

I want to lean toward the side of being nice and friendly and kind. And it's so confusing on how to do that. I pray every day that she gets everything she wants and that she is happy, healthy, and safe.

I don't want to say I'm nice. I want to be nice, do nice things, kind and thoughtful things, loving things, or friendly things at least. I lost the opportunity to do so.

I really see how I was pushing life to later. I made some big mistakes along the way. I said some mean things. I'm pretty sure you already know, but I want to say it anyways. It was me that needed to change, it was never you. My criticisms of you were just reflections of self-criticism, and I projected my fears and negativity on you at times. You absolutely deserve better, and I'm very sorry that I wasn't better for you then.

I look forward to the day we come back into each other's lives.

If you call, I have two stories to tell you. Both made me cry.

Maybe a friend of yours joins the call so you have support.

I suppose it has to be said or else it wouldn't be known. I learned what emotional safety was after I last spoke to my wife, and I didn't create an emotional safe space for her during our marriage, and probably a little before that too. She would know exactly when that feeling shifted better than me. It's been a hell of a journey to learn this stuff, and it feels like I did it the hard way. I had emotions and didn't feel safe and noticed it. Reading about it didn't seem to let it sink in really. I had an idea in my head of what support and safety would feel like from the other person, but they went a different path, and I felt neither safe nor supported. The result being some writing and reflection on what it meant to me, whether I needed it, and how to move on providing that for myself because everything exists within me (somewhere, so I'm told).

I was a mess a few months ago. I notice thoughts that tell me to be embarrassed, but I choose to look at myself with more compassion and understanding. There's no excuse for my reactions or my words. I could have and should have (and practice the presence of mind to do so if ever faced with a similar scenario again) responded very differently.

I am so proud of you. I sincerely believe you should be proud of yourself. I am not making jokes, and thank you for helping me see. Because I cannot unsee it now. I catch my thoughts and the words of others that are negative, or bring someone down, or diminish any achievement, or criticize, or in any way embarrass someone. I see the damage it is causing in real time. People's emotions and feelings change with these types of comments and words. There may be laughter, but it's at the expense of one and that is not positive. It might be masked or labeled as good fun and just kidding, but it has real effect, and the words may last longer for the person hearing them than the person saying them. The echoes of negativity are difficult to shake.

I am learning what it means to live a life of service. I tried, but I did it a little wrong. Frustration got to me instead of slowing down and looking for a different way. It's like learning wingsuit flying. There are certain things that work a little bit at first but quickly turn into not working or potentially dangerous if taken to the extreme. When trying that same thing over and over and it's not working and then being frustrated with it so much so that quitting seems like the better option than taking the humbling route of admitting the need for help and coaching, receiving the coaching, and changing behaviors to improve results. Yeah, all that is necessary for every aspect of life. Especially a relationship, partnership, marriage, parenting, wingsuiting, all of it.

I also hope you still get these emails from the apartments about the missing cats and whatnot. MISSING CAT!! Bwaaaa!

A quick story of The Point. After all the training and all the competition, the winners received 2099/2100 points. They were missing one point. A goal of the team was to receive a perfect score. The elusive 2100. They handily won the competition, but missed the perfect score. The focus could be on the one point missing or it could be on the gold medals present. There is a special analogy that kind of fits. It's a special kind of hell to live an amazing life and get everything I ever wanted, except one thing. I could choose to focus on the one thing missing, or I can focus on everything that is present instead. The thing missing was never the difference between good or bad, winning or losing. It only made things a little sweeter. It brought what may be otherwise excellent into the sublime.

Have a nice day! 😀