Perhaps it was this event, and perhaps it was reinforced by others. But the event we'll discuss is the first time that I remember being told I made us late.

I was a child of about 6 years old. A young boy out playing with his friends in the swampy woods. We were just running around the swamp doing kid things I suppose. I don't remember exactly, but the feeling is one of exploring. I was finding new places and new things in this swamp. I was up to my chest in water at times, and I was walking through the mud. The sun started to go down so we left the swamp.

When I was walking back, I remember my mother came to pick me up. She was very mad. She didn't know where I was, and she had called the cops because she was worried. It wasn't usual that she couldn't find me somewhere around the neighborhood or with friends or something. I was supposed to be the good kid at one point, and I'm not sure if that started by this age or not. What I do remember is the anger that was present.

The good time we had just had in the swamp was overshadowed by anger toward me. She was angry because we were going to be late. She bought tickets for us to go to see a movie at the local college. I remember it was an animated dinosaur film. I also remember the food being cold and not that good. I was yelled at for making us late. I was made to feel at fault for ruining this whole evening because I was out playing, and we had places to be. Playing without care for the time wasn't allowed. I should watch the clock, or so the lesson goes.

I told a version of this story today. It was the moment I realized that maybe I hate being late because of this childhood experience. Maybe it's okay to be late, maybe I was playing, and playing is important. Maybe I get mad at others for playing and not taking things seriously because there is somewhere to be.

I remember this in one of my coaching students. Early on in my coaching career, a student was just flying poorly. They didn't have any interest in getting better. They just wanted to fly around and have fun. I believed they couldn't have fun if they weren't any good. I couldn't have fun if I didn't know everything. I put my standard on that student, and I was a bad coach to them. I didn't recognize and understand where they wanted to be or what they wanted to do. I assumed they wanted to be better, and I judged them for not wanting to be better. That's not being a friend.

I judged other people for not having the standard or any standard to live by. Maybe there's a hint of jealousy here. I am not sure how they can just be so carefree when there's so much at stake. We're going to be late for the movie!!

The childhood moment felt like life or death because it was so serious. I carry that experience with me. It may be time to let it go. It is only a memory, and it doesn't have to take hold of who I am today. My experiences define me, but only in the way that I allow them to. This is not to say that I know where it comes from so I can stop. I learned from a wise woman that that is not the way to heal. I must recognize how this implicit memory surfaces itself. When do I get this anxiety? Is there a need to be there on time? Can I let someone know that I will be a few minutes late? Remind myself that the situation doesn't call for perfect punctuality. It calls for presence. If I allow this to continue as it has, I won't recognize that the anxiety I feel is linked to the implicit memory and not a response to the current situation. The current situation should dictate how the feelings are appropriately felt.

I look to my breathing to help me stay present in these moments. I am doing the extra sip breathing technique. It's probably called something different. If some of you have used breathing and gain the like drugs feeling, then you know what a brown out is. Just a random aside. I wanted to share that for those who may be curious what that's all about. I have been using this breathing technique to get that effect without knowing that's what I was doing. It calms the body and calms the nervous system.

One good thing that came out of my learning is that I got to share it with a parent today. They have two kids of 10 and 13 or so. The parent had some realization moments when I was discussing not holding someone else to any standard. It is accepting them as they are. It is loving them for who they are and supporting them emotionally and mentally. Physical support is needed to, but it is insufficient on its own.

The support that is necessary for children is the same support that is necessary for adults, just big kids. It has taken me some time to get through a lot of this material and understand myself a bit better. It is the same for PTSD. I did a lot of the work to get through and be liveable with that. It is such a shame that I get angry. I don't like that part of myself.

The anger is something that I just heard can stem from frustrations as a child. I can remember many frustrations as a kid. I would get angry and have tantrums. No on was around to see it, and so I would do something that no one would see. I have dealt with this on the surface, and I coped with it decently until tested for real. In a live test, the anger came back. It has always been under the surface, but it showed itself when I had an opportunity to be mad about something. I would get frustrated because things were going so slow, and I couldn't do anything. I have gotten frustrated in traffic. I have gotten frustrated with someone not understanding me. I don't like repeating myself. I would get frustrated when the phone would lose signal because it meant repeating things. The other person did not hear me. I would get angry about these little things. I am not sure how to do it another way. I say that and immediately think of another way. I could breathe and pause. I could remind myself that this isn't that situation. I could treat all these instances similar to PTSD techniques I have used in the past. I must also get some education on what it would look like moving forward for me.

I am having all these revelations. I like having someone to talk to about these things. I have a couple folks, but I would like someone closer to be able to discuss this with. It is a solo journey it appears. I have to be okay with that. My entire life has been a solo journey, except a couple meaningful years.

It feels like I'm having to learn lessons that are old lessons. I am trying to be kind to myself and not beat me up about not fixing these things sooner. I must be kind on others for their journey as well. As I have thought about this passage, it comes to me that I already know these things. I was good at these things until I got away from it all. I had a balance between work and play. I had the mindset of encouragement and watching growth. I am realizing that I am going over ground that has been prepped before. The lessons were learned.

I lost myself along the way. I was excited about doing the thing, and I committed to doing it. I can't say the same for the other participant. They weren't happy, and that's not my fault. I didn't cause any unhappiness. I allowed for freedom. I encouraged to grow and be better than the day before. I did that for a bit, but then the whole thing got turned upside down when I became the problem. I thought gratitude was a skill to be used often. I thought it could have been different, and maybe I wouldn't have gone to where I was. I thought about a lot of different ways things could have gone. I reach one conclusion in all of those. That person was not happy with their own life, and there was nothing I could do that would get them happy with the consequences of the decisions they made. The unhappiness spread, and I lost joy. I was committed so I was trying to find ways to be better everyday. Progress wasn't fast enough for them, and the interim personality clashes created wounds that were impossible to heal.

I began to dislike this person, and it showed in my actions. I was scared of them. I didn't think I could put anything more on them because they couldn't handle what they had. It seemed that way. I was not inspired with confidence. I said as much one time, and I learned that it was not an appropriate time. The disagreements could have been simple, but they became complex because of the attacks. I tried for a long time to ignore being told that I didn't know how to live life, that I didn't have empathy, that I didn't know how to repair, that I didn't know a lot of things, or that I was attacking them when I wasn't. My ego wouldn't allow me to lower myself to a standard that felt like I was stagnant. It is not a break if it lasts for more than a day. I never felt invited, it always felt like I would have to do everything. I can speculate as to why, but I would only be guessing what was in another person's head.

I know that person will have a happy life. They will live the life they want. They will find the person that fits them at some point in the future. I wish them well. I cheer for their success. They really are an awesome person, and I hope they get what they truly want.

When I am looking for a partner in life, I must accept where they are on their journey, and I must allow them to continue on their journey at their own pace. It is theirs, and I am just the witness. I occasionally make egg sandwiches and get coffees, but mostly just watching in awe.

I say that, and I'm instantly reminded of the negative. I am reminded how toxic that shit sounds when placed right next to the anger. I have anger issues. This is an aspect I realized today. I must learn how to control the anger. Or learn to do something with the anger and not react to it. It was said to come from frustrations as a child, as discussed. But I feel like there's more to uncover about how I get frustrated. I really was impressed by someone else who is on this journey. They described keeping a journal to identify the moments that emotions happen. That's a great idea! Also taking the time to connect with the body through yoga and meditation allows me to sense when something changes. The journal allows me to document and explore the changes in the body and the external or internal factors associated with the change. There might be something going on, or there might be nothing. I know today how to handle these situations. I am also not so overworked and stressed as to not have time to spend. I do have this anger issue that can come up. That just can't keep being a thing. I am working on that. I am okay with it, but sometimes I get triggered. I know what got me last time. It was a sense that overwhelmed my body, and my amygdala led me astray. I could have used my breathing in that moment. I could have done many things, but the pause was not there. I said some mean stuff to end the hurt. I might not be afraid of being loved, but I am deathly afraid of being hurt. I did the hurting to keep myself safe. Then I realized what I had done. That's a moment I will have to live with forever. I am apologizing to myself for letting me down. I am apologizing to the other because I hurt them, broke trust, made them embarrassed to give me another chance, and I fooled them because I was doing so well the entire time until the last moments. Then I blew it up to avoid the pain that my brain told me was coming. I could have been completely wrong, but I may never know. My benefit of the doubt kicks in to doubt the negative thoughts and temper the reaction. There's another technique I can use. I can doubt my assumed version of reality.

I will give credit where credit is due. I kept my cool during some emotional moments. I learned something from that, and I will be mindful to keep others safe in my presence by staying present and not reacting. That one got me on a different level. I am having a hard time describing the feeling with words. It was a jealousy of sorts. It was anger certainly. It was betrayal. It was being lied to. It was being discarded. I felt like I was the last choice. It seemed like my feelings didn't matter. It was as though someone took my heart and said it didn't matter and just tossed it to the side while they walked away oblivious. My whole dream was shattered in that moment, and I burned the whole thing down with just a few angry words. That's a childish reaction out of anger. It doesn't have to be that way. It won't be that way in the future.

Tough love is not love. Love is kind and gentle. Love does not push an agenda. Love accepts. I'd rather be a lover than a fighter cause all my life I've been fighting. I have said that before, and I ended up fighting. That's some work for another day.

I met someone today. This person saw me for what I've been trying to be. That is how I wish to see others: positively. I tried and failed at this task many times before. I am better for having failed. I fail so many times and at so many things, but it doesn't matter much because I learn and grow and keep going. I was complimented for being mature. I went crazy lately, the wrong kind of crazy. I was love crazy and just driving myself nuts with that shit. I am human, and I feel and care deeply. This passion is what fuels a lot of what I do. There is a person who accepts my crazy and could set boundaries if I am doing way too much. I need someone that can support me in being passionate about being better. I learned how to back off. I don't need to be full on for someone else, unless they want me to be full on for them (then I'm totally capable).

They'll be fine if I'm late. I am on my own time 😉

Cheers to a beautiful life!!