I thought through a lot of the things I had written. I actually went back through the craziness and laughed at myself. I am having fun. I am better. The crazy is a temporary state of mind. The writing helps to get the crazy out of my head. It also helps get incomplete thoughts and feelings out of my head.

I was wrong. I definitely see how I am triggered by people. I see how those triggers are my issue. The triggered state is time for me to walk away. I felt a lot of feelings in moments. It wasn't how I felt about the person. It was how I felt about the situation. My hurt feelings can lash out in ways that are not how I would want to act. I am leaning heavy on the writing these days. Sharing and discussing with others is another way to process, but the sharing comes with a risk. The other people have their own judgments and thoughts. I have my judgments and thoughts of my own. I judge myself for what I write, and I want to believe that judgment is imposed by others at times. It is certainly of my own doing also. I judged a lot of what I wrote and berated myself for sharing with anyone at all. I said things that weren't fully formed and read like absolutes. I can see how my words were incorrectly presenting the half-formed ideas. I see it. I am not given a chance to provide additional context in the one-way format of writing.

I am sorry for the pain my words have caused. The words caused pain, and I was the one who wrote those words. It has been a consistent theme that I cannot share with people the thoughts in my head. I used to think I was safe sharing my thoughts. I thought it would show an openness and willingness to be close to someone. I have trouble today thinking that. That is the conclusion based on evidence. The word conclusion here is even too strong. There are zero conclusions in a first draft. There are no static conclusions in any draft. It is only through the editing and refining process that I can distill the thoughts, discarding the stones and mud to find the gold.

I must address an aspect of yesterday's writing and confusion. I must address it because it was one of those "Ohhh" kinda moments. I doubted whether the chocolate was blueberry. Turns out, it was. I hadn't said any of this to anyone else, so I didn't have to retract any statements. I turned to the writing, and I got it out of my head in a format that wasn't an attack on that person. I dismissed the other's abilities, or their assertions. Or something. I am not sure what I was dismissing. Or was it something else entirely? Was it a lack of respect? I am not entirely certain where it came from. But... The respect on feels closer than the others. I am not entirely sure how those lack of respect thoughts come from. It was something I didn't think they were capable of, maybe. I didn't think it was something I was capable of, and I disregarded them. Maybe, just maybe here, the lack of respect was the manifestation, and it wasn't the start. I do respect. I have the respectful thoughts. I have the feeling of high regard for others. I also believe in fairy tales. And that's random, but my thought process was just interrupted.

I will talk a bit about how I feel others have over asserted their understanding. I know that I'm right. I know they are wrong. They make me prove it. They assert something from what they have read, and I know that what I wrote already addressed their concern. This brings up a thought that I cannot say out loud. "I guess you didn't read it that closely, because what you're talking about is already in there. Here's the quote that makes me right...." My heart starts to pound a little faster, and I get a feeling of "are you fucking kidding me? What you're asking for is beyond ridiculous; I assured you, then reassured you, and you want more?! I put it in writing, and now you want the writing to be slightly different because you didn't see it. Here's the quote that proves me right. Please explain to me why that wasn't enough for you...." These are the thoughts. I can't say that to people though. It puts them down, and makes them feel attacked. Because I am curing ignorance, it might feel like an attack in any form. If I don't just do what they say, they could feel that I am calling them stupid. I might be doing just that. I am questioning this person and their assertion of their position. They are wrong. I am turning their statements into a generalization about their overall ability. But I'm not. I don't know how they act in other situations, but I can say that in this particular instance, they didn't do what they said, i.e. read the damn thing, the whole thing. I must assume they didn't actually read it. They didn't actually understand it. They don't actually know what their talking about. I would be okay if they just admitted to not knowing. That's cool. I don't know things. I am okay in ignorance. I am making efforts to not speak where I don't know. I am more cautious about giving advice and making assertions about what a thing might be, particularly when I don't know much about the topic.

I'm probably the worst of offenders in doing exactly the thing that I criticize. Is this hypocrisy? Or is it something else. I don't have the proper term for saying what it is when I criticize in others something I criticize in myself. It is not the other, and it is not myself. It is the behavior. It may be hard to separate the person from the behavior. Behaviors change, people change. Naps are good.

It's definitely the way I speak. Not the words themselves, although part of it. It's the way I use my voice in a questioning and belittling manner sometimes. I know this, and I'm cautious. I don't want to speak much about others. I cannot help them. They are themselves. They are not me. I will only criticize myself. I will leave everyone else alone. I hope I can follow through with this. This is not a promise, it is a goal. I am on the progress not perfection train.