I will say up front that you will not like what I'm about to say. You don't like it, but this is my experience. You can stop now. It's your choice to read. You do what you decide, always have.

I was in an a mutually abusive relationship. I am now away from that and trying to heal from the toxic manipulation that I experienced. I chose previously to not bring up the red flags and to look past them. I am no longer looking past the red flags. I tried to address it previously, but was never given the opportunity. I was dismissed and invalidated. And actually told that I was not enough. I was not the right fit and said a lot of things that pressed buttons. I can own my side of the street, but I can't take all the blame here. I won't destroy myself to think I'm a terrible monster. I am amazing. I have heard it from everyone who I spoken to about this. I'm absolutely sure she heard the same thing. She cannot see past my flaws and love me for who I am.

I trigger her insecurities. She never thought she was enough. She thought I wanted something else because I would make comments in passing, jokes that I thought nothing of, and statements that were meant to point out how she was doing harmful things.

How about all those times where she would cry to get what she wanted? I remember her saying that she has that issue and she doesn't know how to ask for what she wants. She said if I loved her, then I would know and just do it. She shouldn't have to ask. I can't read minds. She must ask for what she wants.

She gives an excuse that she was scared of my reaction. Then she should never have been with me. She also sits in silence and gave up on what she wanted because she thought that would make me happy. When that did the opposite (make me not like her because she stopped being her), she held the resentment. She held it in silence, building resentments. I doubt the stories she tells because I was there, and I am not being gaslit into believing her version. I will allow her experience, how she felt about it, but that does not mean that she wasn't wrong. She also didn't stand up and say how she was affected at the time. I was dismissive at times, but other times I listened. It was the super small stuff that were her insecurities being affected. If she were secure in who she is and secure in the relationship, then my comments would not have had that effect. She did not give benefit of the doubt (broken vows). She would jump to her offense and tell me that I was being mean and offensive. I would jump to the defense because her comments were attacks on me. I should have know that it was mean. No, you should have stood up for yourself.

You said you would never abandon yourself for a man, and I encouraged and supported that. Then she abandoned herself for me, without me asking her to, and without her telling me what she wanted.

I remember a conversation where we were talking about her just doing whatever I want. I asked what she wanted to eat, and she said it was whatever I wanted. She waited for me to take the action. I had to ask her for her to tell me. And that's not true either, because even when I did ask, she was "controlled" by her thought of how I might react. She stopped asking for what she wanted because of a fear she built up in her head. She didn't discuss that fear with me until after she left. Her reason is that she didn't feel safe and I wouldn't listen anyways.

The day she walked in and looked like she was crying. I asked, "babe, what's wrong, you look like you've been crying." She responded, "nothing." Then she said that she shouldn't have to tell me and I should know what she was doing all day. I tried to be positive in this moment, and she took it as an attack. I said, "yeah, cause you don't have any real problems." Or something like that. I would try to be positive. She took offense as if I was invalidating some feeling. I will point out that she said nothing was wrong. I was trying to talk about all the awesome stuff we had going on, and she took it as invalidation. If I am not told, I cannot know and support you.

She also said that I wouldn't do it anyways so she didn't even try. I grew a lot in our relationship, and I can say that I may have listened if she brought it up. I can definitely say that if she sits in her head and builds resentment over time, I'm not given the opportunity.

When I told her once that I didn't want to tell her things because of how it might affect her. She told me that was demeaning because it assumed she couldn't handle it. I listened to that, and I took it in. I trusted that she was strong enough to handle it. I was just me the whole time. She now looks back and sees all the evidence from more than two years ago that builds her case. The things she never came to me about. She wanted to do it on her own, maybe. I'm not sure why she was keeping score.

I have the memory of a goldfish. When it comes to her. I would forgive and forget. She held onto all of it. It was never tried to work through. She couldn't stand up for herself.

Abusive behaviors are small and grinding over time. She had a time of kicking, throwing, screaming, and when I would tried to leave early on, she ran over crying and begging me to not leave. She would do these things, and it would frighten me. I was put in a place of confusion. She controlled me through her emotional manipulation. I got tire of it. I called her out on it. She kept doing it. She didn't ask for help. She assumed that people would tell her to leave me. She chose to be silent until I changed. When I would ask about her, she chose not to tell me. When she wanted something, she would push that aside, not tell me, and just go along with whatever I said, and she would keep score each time.

You would complain about not having money.  You wouldn’t ask for any, but you gladly took it and complained about not having enough. Right in line with, you shouldn't have to ask.  How did that make me feel?  Like I wasn’t good enough and I was failing you.  I had this in my head. If it was so difficult for you, and you struggled with this thought every day. By the way, the business was not going to take five years to make money. I didn't say that. I wanted to explain what the financial projection of the business looked like. But you just heard that you don't have money and it will take longer than you wanted to wait. I wanted you to understand how to grow a business. You wanted to get investors, but we didn't need them. I would try to explain this to you, and I thought you already knew it. You have a master's degree in business. You didn't want to look at the numbers, you just decided it wasn't going to work. You heard that, like many things, and latched on to what you thought you heard.

What I said was, we won't take out the first money from the business because it needs to pay its own bills. The bills equaled X amount, and we would make that with X number of paying customers, etc. I had the financials mapped out. You thought you would be able to take out the first dollar and spend it. You had a spending problem, and I hope your time with me has shown you how to take care of that. I saw how bad you were with money, and I didn't care until your poor financial decisions were dragging us both down. That really affected me that you didn't think you had enough. I wonder where you spent all your money, not because I care about the what, but because I am super curious how you spent all that money.

If you didn't want to take money from me, you should have said that and not allowed me to give it to you. Instead, you took the money, and you resented yourself for taking the money, and you would get emotional and cry about all the things you didn't have.

When we were practicing handstands, you would be mad at me when I made progress.  You would tell me I’m doing it wrong.  You would tell me that I am going to hurt myself.  I asked if you could show me how, and I asked how I should be doing it.  I then explained what I was doing, my philosophy behind the movement that I was doing.  I had a training plan for handstands.  I wanted to be able to control the forward and backward movement.  The ability to be still comes from the ability to move, I would say.  You would be mad and upset that my handstands were progressing quicker than yours.  That’s why I stopped doing handstands.

It's my fault you didn't have friends and couldn't go out and find them. That cannot be true. You could have built an amazing life for yourself, and I would have loved to watch. I started to dislike how you found excuses all the time. There was always something in the way. You got offended and shut down, instead of getting busy about getting stuff done. I was correct about the business tax thing. It didn't apply, and it was too soon. Your AI buddy got you into that one.

You friends don't know the situation. After hearing you tell me the story, listening and validating your experience, it became very clear that all the red flags still exist. All the buttons are still there, just not being pushed.

This spoiled little girl just wants more and more and more. I got tired of feeding your need for reassurance. I got tired of constantly being on guard as to whether you would be crying if I said something or not. I spoke to my therapist about how you would get mad at me and tell me that I didn’t treat you right, and I would not know what you meant. I treated you how I wanted to be treated.  We never talked about how you were feeling.  In my head, it was always about you.  I understand that it was the same in your head. I also understand that I was incapable of touching those emotions. But you response was crying and trying to get me to change through manipulation. I didn't think what I was doing was any kind of wrong because I would have loved for you to treat me the same way, helping me to grow.

When I mentioned the red flags that I was not going to allow in my next relationship, you got offended. It's a little funny because you had just spent all that time telling me that the next guy won't be like me or have the red flags that I have. Then I agreed and said I didn't want your red flags in my next girl, you were defensive. Everyone has insecurities she said. I back down from my position at the time because she wasn't able to listen. Who's being mean when they call with an agenda to make sure that I know that I wasn't enough and that I caused this to end. I'm not the one who left. I'm not the one who skipped therapy. I'm not the one that didn't ask for help.

You wondered why I was so confused about some things. Then the next words were that you never told me. You were so controlled by me. I was so controlled by you and your gaslighting and manipulation. "You said my boobs weren't big enough." Wait, what? When did I say that?? "You said that you would go to a strip club to see big boobs." Oh, that's not the same thing. I was so confused about what I was doing because you tell me I did something, then I would have to correct you because I didn't do the thing you said. That's toxic as hell. It's manipulative because you were shaming and attacking me to try and make me understand that I sucked. It was not about your experience. It was not a healthy attempt at repair and connection. You were just as guilty as me for attacking and dismissing. I never came at you out of the blue. I never talked about your body unprompted. I talked about your body when you talked about your body and talked about your misguided self image and idea of beauty. You would say that you like yourself like this. I was concerned for your intentional weight loss. You looked unhealthy. You proclaimed that you liked being so skinny and this was on purpose. I was concerned for you. I explained that was not what beauty was. Your beauty is from the inside. Sexy comes from confidence, and you didn't have any. I tried to encourage you to be confident. I recognize that I shouldn't have taken this on, but I did it in an attempt to help you. You need to love your body no matter what. I love you no matter what your body looks like. You only loved your body when it looked one way.

The trouble is that even when I was mean, it was true. I struggled with telling you the truth because you would react. It gets back to me thinking you are strong enough to hear the truth (because you already said not telling you thought so little of you).  The bones that I had to hold onto and that were painful.  The crying woman that is constantly mad at me because I have a life and she doesn’t.  I offered to help.  I introduced you to people.  I introduced you to local girls that would have hung out with you, had you reached out.  It is up to you to make things happen.  I gave you every opportunity.  We had it all.  You didn’t like asking, so you drove yourself mad and didn’t ask.  You suffered in silence, and the resentment built.  I am sorry about how I said things.  I am sorry that I got angry.

If I’m being honest, which we just started.  I was emotionally manipulated and abused by you.  When I would be walking out the door to go hang out with friends, you would stop me at the door and start telling me about how "it must be nice" and that you don’t have friends, and you want to do stuff.  You never expressed an interest in going.  You just expressed a sadness about not going.  Then when I might offer, it wasn’t good enough because I should have known and asked in the first place. 

You asked me to stop living my life because you didn't have a life. You were lonely by your own choosing. I do think this might be a cultural thing, but I am sure you wouldn't see it because you don't know any other way. I am also sure that you blame me for you not doing those things. You couldn't stand up for yourself or what you needed because you were "controlled" by the thought of what I might say. You thought so little of me.

I hadn’t been in any committed relationship before, and you were the first partner I lived with.  It was very difficult for me, and I was just getting used to what it meant to have a wife, to be a husband.  I didn’t know how to do it.  You didn’t tell me how you wanted to be treated.  You made yourself small.  You didn’t challenge me.  You thanked me and encouraged me to help you see these things.  When you told me that I was going on a list of the things that were bad but not going on about what was good, I listened.  I really tried to stop doing that.  I thought I did better, but what I thought I was doing is very different from what you experienced. 

You didn't tell me how you wanted to be treated. You cried about how I was treating you, and you attacked my behavior. It was what I did to you, not about how you were affected. You doubted our relationship at every step of the way. I was confident that I would not run away. I was confident in our relationship.

This is a different kind of healing. This seems like the healing that you went through. The rehash of all the things I did wrong, the reframing and fitting into the pattern you decided was abuse. I have checked my behavior with other people. Mature adults. I fear that your advice is coming from people who you are looking to for answers, not knowing that they don't know what their talking about. I'll give you your desire to frame this as emotional abuse. I am also allowing that your behavior was toxic, manipulative, immature, and abusive. You can't hear it. You can't accept it. You gave me this speech recently. I say it back to you. We really are the same person LOL.

You actually cried and used emotions as a weapon to try and change me. Then complained that I didn't listen. You didn't talk. Remember that time when you stepped away and wrote the thing, then came back. We had a great conversation, and I listened and I thanked you for taking the mature approach. I changed in response to what you said. You seem to forget that we actually did most of the things you wanted, because you would cry if we didn't.

I'm glad this is done. I can finally move on and be myself. I am a great human being who has been questioned and attacked into believing that I wasn't enough. No more. I am enough. I am a great lover. You couldn't get out of your head enough to see it. You couldn't see how amazing things were because your insecurities and traumas made you think everything was an attack. I dodged a bullet. Thank you for leaving. I will find a girl who loves herself and is a whole person. You have convinced me. All of your insecurities became the truth. It didn't start that way. you self-fulfilled your own prophecy. You told yourself so many times that I didn't like you, and it became true in your head, then you backdated that feeling on top of benign situations. I love you still and would do anything for you (within reason). That promise still stands. I cannot let you be a toxic presence in my life any more.

This is me telling myself that I need to see the red flags. I can't let my love for you blind myself from how much you destroy me, how much you took from me, how much you asked, received, and then complained it wasn't enough.

I did a lot of looking at myself through this process. I have cleaned my side of the street. You have also looked at me, and you've painted trash on top of the clean street to give an excuse that justifies your actions. It couldn't have been your fault. It was not equally your fault. It was me. I caused this. I did this to you. You were the victim. You could never take responsibility for your life. You let it unfold around you and, stuck in the victim mentality, you would blame others. That left you powerless. You have not shown any change in that. You reclaimed your power when you left. Sure, yes. Absolutely. It wasn't a reclaim of true power though. It sounded like you are now looking for something that's "better" for you and who doesn't treat you the way or have the red flags that I had.

I do not fear saying true things, or jokes, or explaining my experience. You got me on the phone backtracking to allow you to control that phone call. I did that with knowledge and intention this time. I backed away to give you your experience. But even that conversation was not two people coming together to understand the experience of the other. It was me showing up to understand your experience. You didn't do what I did and you won't let me think that they are equal.

I have decide that I was too much for you. I didn't fall short. I went too far. Your insecurities were triggered. Life is about being, and I learned that from you. Life is also about doing. Being a great person doesn't matter if I don't do anything. It's what I do for others that matters. I look at all the things I actually did, and I can be proud of my progress and behavior at the end of this. When you finally stood up for yourself, it was the most sexy thing I had seen. That was the missing piece. I loved doing all that for you and making you feel that way. But it is not appropriate to have sex with a woman while she is crying. I don't do that and wouldn't do it. I hate, hate, hate that you were crying and hiding it from me and let yourself feel used that way. You could have said something. That was the time. Not now. It is unfair to come back and put that on me later as an attack with no desire to repair and gain connection through it. It's immature. It also makes you the victim.

I'm done. I won't write about you anymore. It's out of me now. I have talked it too many times. I don't miss you anymore. I am not sugar coating your role in this anymore. I am not taking the full fault. If it were my fault, I could fix it. But it takes two, and I can't fix you. I won't fix you. I have no desire to change you. I have a desire to find the woman I thought you were. I thought you were someone, and it turns out you weren't the one for me. You were the one that got me prepared for the one. The one I love deeply, share adventures with, and have beautiful children with.

Don't call me to tell with an agenda to tell me anything about us. I'm done talking about it. I have listened and heard enough. If you need something, if you want to talk about the books, if you have business with me, I am here. I am not mad or angry. You don't have that effect on me anymore.

Goodbye.