Time is a funny thing.

Goodbye turns into see you later, never turns into let's give it a try, tomorrow turns into yesterday.

Nathan decided for himself this journey would be a silly one. He thought about his nevers and alwayses. He considered all the things he'd done or said to hurt people, slightly comforted by a follow-up thought about all the people he helped. Nathan takes a deep breath in through his nose, with a final sip at the top, holding it for a couple seconds before slowly releasing the breath from his mouth. He repeats this process three times. Each time feels remarkably similar, or exactly the same, as the mini-brownouts he tried to describe once. Maybe this is the feeling when people say breathing exercises feel like drugs.

Nathan's mind is quieted from the chatter of pondering about the negatives. The breathing exercise is something he picked up from a couple different sources. All the people describing this same method of breathing, all of them with different science or spiritual reasons. That was enough for Nathan to actually give it a try. He had a reluctance to the types of holistic ideas that he once criticized. His preconceived notions and judgments kept him from giving any credit to these types of healing practices.

Nathan spends his days with much time to sit, think, and meditate. He has taken his yoga practice almost too seriously over the past months. Certainly that's just an overcorrection from Nathan's trauma. He hasn't really given it much thought since it all happened. Nathan kind of just got quiet and went to work. He didn't write long letters. He didn't cry endlessly. He didn't sit around the house. He just accepted the fact and kept going with life. It was a remarkable feat. If we asked Nathan how he did it, he might give us a different answer.

His answer might provide a glimpse into the private world where his writing wasn't revealed, he imagined a million different times each way he could have done something to change what happened, he agonized over every detail, every word, and grieved every lost possible future. This grief didn't show on the outside. He quietly got the work done. He made the plan. Nathan didn't announce this plan to the world. He told a few close people about his plan to travel, but there was no social media post. It was not public knowledge. His journey was his to experience. Nathan believed that he could share things that happened, after the fact. No updates about what will happen (unless it's a booking he thought).

He wasn't feeling very silly yet. And it became time for a little juggle dance session. A silly dance mixed with a decent juggle, perfect recipe for a smile. That's just what Nathan needs before this flight. A week away is sounding pretty good about now, and starting with a silly smile is the right way to start.

Nathan doesn't know yet that this one week side-quest will turn into the main quest. He doesn't know how juggling and smiling is the first step to his new life. The next steps were unimaginable to him at the time. He was trying to write the end, but it's never the end. He was only writing the beginning.