I'm not sure where the line between beautiful soul and grieving lies. It might be that my thoughts are crossed in that first sentence. I am thinking about two things at once, and I'm trying to separate the productive thoughts from the unproductive ones.

I must admit to myself. I feel like the line is blurring between productive reflection and torturous rumination. I am caught in between somewhere. I am moving forward. I have accepted it, and yet I am still very sad about what I did. I never thought that was me. I now know that it is me. I am the one with the pattern. I am the one who needs a therapist. I am the one who needs to love himself more. I am the one who was not nice.

I tried to blame someone else. The judgmental thoughts, the jealous thoughts, the hurt thoughts. I did receive an apology. I just didn't accept it. I hadn't forgiven when I said I had. I lied and tried to show a strong face. I wore a mask and resented the mask, and I resented myself for not having the courage to speak vulnerably. I will call it a lie, because I didn't allow myself to be known. This went into practice today.

I got a ride back from the place with someone else. A guy friend of mine asked if he could ride with the same person. He didn't know that person, and I had just asked for a ride for me. I was feeling a little upset because that was not what I wanted, and I wanted to be alone for a bit. I had to take a minute to decide how to set that boundary. I went back to him and said that I would rather him not ride with. He was shocked. I told him that I just didn't want it. We talked about it after, and I gave some context for the decision. He seemed to understand. I really spoke up because I felt the upsettedness happening inside me. It wasn't what I wanted, but I was going along with it just because. I felt obligated in that moment to give him a ride, and I was feeling the frustration in me not being able to speak up. In previous times, I would have done one of two things: 1) go along with the person and give them what they want, while feeling upset that I didn't speak up and say what I want; 2) say something in the frustrated state that is not nice but gets what I want. In the first instance, I would have stayed "nice," but I would have carried the resentment with me. The resentment would have eaten me up and usually causes stress for me and frustration after long enough of giving into others in that way.

I see a third option now, and it's the one I went with this time, and hopefully the one I choose in the future. It was the one I went with on this day. I decided to be vulnerable. I decided to have the courage to be disliked for setting boundaries. That's my next level of awareness of self.

I recognize thoughts coming up that says it is a lot of negative connotation coming with the vulnerable option. I can tell them that I am hurt, and I just can't handle it. I see where covering up my hurt to look strong got me into this trouble.

Here's a place for some vulnerability. I tried to convince myself that I was over it. I said it out loud enough times. I wrote it enough times. But none of that changes how I feel. I am now trying to sit with the feeling, accept it, and just let it be until it passes. I do not need to rush the process. It takes the time it takes. I get a little better every day, and I see the progress, but I am not there yet. I can't get a new relationship because I'm not over my ex-wife yet. I catch myself comparing and judging others because they don't have the same connection that I had with her. It is not fair to the person in front of me because I cannot see them for who they are. I am too busy looking at how they are not her. I believe I ran into this exact problem, not seeing the person who was there because I was comparing to the person I used to know. I am not being delusional today. I understand my actions have destroyed the chance for that being a thing. I am not romanticizing or forgetting that. It would not be honest to try something new. I will not pretend I am ready just because I want to be. I am finally being honest with myself that I'm not ready for anything new.

I remember a conversation on the couch shortly before she was gone. We laughed that neither one of us would find someone as cool as the other. I am holding onto that. She challenged me in ways that I've never been challenged. It has been an incredibly difficult time for me to really look at myself. It has been hard to see myself. I claimed previously to have already looked at myself, but I wasn't seeing it. She told me as much. I couldn't hear it. I fought it and defended. I tried to turn it back around on her and win. I tried to prove that I was better. I tried to say I looked. It wasn't a deep understanding of this concept. I added fuel to a fire, and confused the truth with my toxic behaviors. I became harder to reach and harder to communicate with. I made it difficult on myself and others. That was my pattern playing out without awareness. I didn't know how to deal with myself, which made it difficult for others to know how to deal with me. It wasn't their fault, and they didn't make me do what I did. I didn't know how to communicate. I did not know how to stay open when I felt accusation, exposure, embarrassment, or shame. My insecurities exist in my head, but they manifest in my words and actions. Everyone has insecurities of some kind, and that's not a red flag. When I keep my shame locked in my head, it can turn on me and grow into resentment for myself, which becomes the lens through which I see others.

I learned from her how to listen. I learned from her about the benefits of taking time to keep my mental health right because nothing else works if that's not right. I learned to relax, it's not such a big deal. I learned these things from her, but I only learned them after my opportunity was gone. I could have just listened to what I was told without being so offended or attacked (she didn't mean it that way). This was my pattern of defense to protect myself from perceived harm. I could have done a lot to get this education sooner, but I made excuses and blamed the messenger. I used to say that others needed to grow up (wrong again). I am the one who still has growing up to do (life goals). Growing up is different from what I thought. It's a little harder than I thought. It is being able to feel and being vulnerable, and at the same time keeping on top of responsibilities. I'm sure it means much more than that, but we're not here to give an exhaustive definition of growing up.

That woman has it, and I am learning from her. I can't be her friend because I have such deep feelings for her. I want to be her friend, and I want so much more than that. I can't be around her without falling in love again. I lied when I said any different.

So, have I crossed the line past productive? Maybe... All of my other writing has focused on the other. I am trying to focus on myself today. I am not here to make her better. That's her job (she was doing an excellent job last time we spoke). I must let her. I have no place to tell her how to do anything, never, not ever. I don't have that place for my kids. I don't have that place for anyone. I want to clarify this point for myself so it doesn't overcorrect. I don't want to whipsaw back to the other extreme. The nuanced version of never means I cannot control, force, diagnose, or appoint myself as the authority over someone else’s journey. I have no place to control another person. I can speak with love. I can set boundaries. I can tell the truth when it is mine to tell. I cannot appoint myself as the authority over someone else’s life. I can speak up when necessary, guide when given consent, and affect in a positive manner. We are all here doing our best. The glory belongs to the man in the ring. I must build them all up. That's how we get better as a community.

I am in the process of reparenting myself and taking care of the inner child. I'm doing what she taught me. I am doing the exact same thing. I have no place to tell anyone how their healing is going. I cannot be that person anymore. I also do not judge my own healing. I am in progress. I have hope for the future.

One I'll mention is that meant to be thing. I have heard varying versions of that. I'm deciding they are all bullshit. It was meant to because it happened. It couldn't have been any other way. There's no use in looking back and being the time traveler. There is a future. I have grieved the loss of the dream. I have said goodbye to what we thought would be. I won't decide the future though. I will be present. I will make some plans. I will see what happens. I can do my part, and I have to let them do the rest. I trust the universe has a plan. I trust that something better is coming. (Let's not use that to mean anything other than what it says.). Whatever comes next will be perfect. It doesn't exclude or include, fight or force, it allows what will be to be, with a little bit of luck. Because I'm out here making the luck.

Before sunrise and before sunset and before midnight. Those are movies that I have recommended before. Probably time to watch them again. I bet I could rewatch a lot of movies and get a whole new perspective on the emotional tone of the movies. I am not a robot anymore, and I'm not fighting being human.

I love myself and others just as we are. I offer kindness to myself and others. I offer compassion to myself and others. I offer forgiveness to myself and others. There are no transgressions that are beyond forgiveness. My life is turning out just the way it did, and it's perfect. Let these ripples go into the universe.

New thought (could use its own chapter): letting other people read my writing is scary. The comment was that they felt like it was something they shouldn't be reading, like they were reading someone's journal. I want to read the journal because that's how I get to know someone. I want others to read my writing because that is how I become known. I can misspeak and say the wrong thing at times. These are lessons and theories. As I have proven to myself, they are incomplete and should be revisited often in order to adjust with new information. There are two stages to the writing process. The first is getting it out of my head and onto the page. That frees my mind from the rumination for a bit. The next level of growth involves sharing the thoughts. That frees me from the shame associated with my thoughts. I have some pages that should never be shared, because they aren't about me. Those pages give me the impression that I know something about how someone else should be living their life or judging the choices they make. I can say how their choices affect me, and I may feel extremely hurt. I am allowed to say as much. That is well within my ability. That's a line. When I step into the zone of what someone else must have been thinking, I cross the line. That's the line between reflection and projection. I am not [insert negative description of past self here]. I caught myself here almost making a joke that I would have previously called self-deprecating. I am not that version of myself anymore. At least, I am learning to be better. Let's not bring up the past in an attacking way, even as a joke. I am talking to myself here. The past mistakes do not become good jokes. They keep me stuck in the past. They keep me stuck on an image of another that does not allow or acknowledge their growth.