This one is for me. I have a few things that I've been too afraid to say, and it has been a source of some of the attachment holding me stuck. It is my ego that must be torn down. I am taking accountability. This may be something similar to what I've said before, but it has one key difference. The difference is that no one can make me do anything, and I am not a victim to external circumstances. I must take a good look at myself to forgive what I did. I must know and understand before I can forgive myself. It feels fake if I try to find a way to get myself out of blame.

In love with the idea of her means that I have a fantasy version of her in my head, and she is not the person I think she should be. That's judgment and criticism, and it's unfair to her. I must treat her fairly and not compare her to any past version of herself. I got upset when she didn't live up to the fantasy. She tried so hard to be that fantasy because she loved me. But it wasn't what she wanted; it was what I wanted. She just wanted to be loved no matter what and for who she is at every moment because she is perfect every day because it's exactly how she grows that's the thing to watch. Tell her she's beautiful every day, and she is always thinking about how to be her best self, trust her judgment. Anything that happens is just another part of our beautiful journey.

She is to be celebrated every day. You're doing great. That's what I didn't do. I didn't do that at all. Then I was frustrated and stressed from it all when slowing down would have been the answer.  I've slowed down now, and I'm doing okay.  I am seeing it quite clearly now how this was actually my fault all along.  It didn't matter what she did. I celebrate her and tell her I love her beautiful body no matter what. I didn't do that. She didn't do what I did. I was mean, put her down, and made her feel like a burden.

This is what I did very wrong. I criticized in the name of helping. That was controlling. I was intermittent with praise and criticism, she never knew what she would get. If I led with criticisms it could cause her to think I didn't like it, it was also in the words and delivery.  My words did not lead with how awesome she was and how she is an amazing person. It wasn't clear that I loved her no matter what, and it didn't show in the way I would speak and get frustrated and then have outbursts of mean speeches just detailing every little defect and how it's all connected back to one thing and I would just embarrass her and then tell her that I loved her anyways. That's me putting her down instead of building her up. I couldn't accept her as she is, and I was mad when she didn't live up to my standard.  I totally thought somewhere in my head that it didn't matter. I justified my actions by saying that if she only understood that I was just trying to help then it would be okay. I wanted to make this her fault and asked her to just accept that as the way I am. I did say that some people think I'm an asshole, but I believe the words may have made me look like I wasn't interested in changing and getting help. This therapist was right. There is never a reason to be an asshole. Nobody else can make me be mean. That's something I did all on my own. The angry outbursts and know it all mentality and protector tendencies definitely added to the dynamic. I got worse with the stresses of life in the US. 

She left because she loved herself and I wasn't showing through my words and actions that I loved her. I was just working and doing my thing while occasionally criticizing her thing and then not taking feedback on my things because I knew better or some shit.  

I would put her down. I didn't build her up.  All she needed was some building up, and I put her through the tough love school. It was way too much for anyone. I have been tough loving myself, and it has been too much for me. I have the power to treat myself with kindness and treat others with kindness. It wasn't about me being too much or too passionate or any of that other bullshit. It was about me not seeing and listening to the woman in front of me. I was comparing her to the version in my head. I was in love with an idea, and that's what I heard once. I didn't understand it then because it was too much for my fragile ego to handle. Or that's too harsh on me. It was that I didn't want to be the cause of it all because that means I am the cause of it all. That's a hard pill to swallow. She was right about everything. I used to say that jokingly, but now I say it sincerely. Especially after knowing her context.

She is who she is, and I lost myself trying to make her be the fantasy instead of being curious about her. Maybe I'll get to know her again one day. She'll have a lot of stories to share then. I love stories.

I lied to myself when I said I was over it. I tried to use a technique and tell myself it's true while ignoring reality. That's delusional. I didn't want to face reality. I denied reality and it became very confusing and difficult for her to navigate. I told her I had moved on, when the truth was that I was anything but moved on. I need more time to actually move on and forgive myself, and to truly forgive her. I kept saying it, but there must have been a reservation in my head. It couldn't have been the whole truth. That's where my feelings of unfairness may come from. But if I have feelings of unfairness then there is a way to make that known without making her a problem. I wasn't nice when I tried to win. I tried to be right all the time, and I was wrong so many times. I would just forget and move on. I would forget that I said all those mean things because I was just being Emma. I turned into the negative voice in the head of another. I was so negative and pointed out areas where I saw "deficiencies." I wasn't helping. I was hurting her. I was hurting myself in the name of truth. I wrote at length on truth and being kind but I came to the wrong conclusion. The "truth" isn't kind. Accepting a person for who they are is kind. The truth is who they are. Anything that I need to criticize or "help" is in my head, and it is not true.

These are my mistakes. I accept my mistakes. I see the problem.  It's not some diagnosis or label or attachment style. It's me not treating her like a queen. I'd be executed if I treated the queen that way, and well... Close enough... I think it was a suicide though.  I couldn't handle it.  I was triggered and I was whatever, and I try to justify or excuse my behavior with being triggered. But that's my fault for being triggered. It's a pattern in me. I did it with people before. I did it again. But it was my choice to end this whole thing with ugly words and criticisms.  I knew what it would do when I did it.  So, I got my result. 

I wasn't afraid of being loved. I didn't think I was worthy of love unless I lived up to a certain standard, and I placed that pressure on myself. I heard everything through my own lens, but I wasn't listening. I was trying to take the words and twist them into what I thought they meant. I tried to defend myself and say there was some reason outside of my control. I even said it was her fault, and she needed to change. That was so wrong. I was the one who couldn't be at fault. I was the one who couldn't be wrong.

When she asked to come to work with me, I said she shouldn't because she already has so much to do. That was what I wanted, she wanted to be active and making progress and earning money. That's where I messed up trying to protect her. She decides if it's too much. Right answer: I would love to have you helping. You let me know if it's ever too much work and you need a break. You take whatever time you need. That's not what I said.  This wasn't because I was being mean but it was because I didn't want her to be stressed. But it was me thinking I knew what was best for her. That's control. So she didn't get what she wanted, but I got the illusion of what I wanted. I made her the housewife that I knew she didn't want and that I said I didn't want. She just went along with me because she was a soldier and strong woman supporting her man.

I told her she was a burden. I made statements about how good life was before, and I said how difficult it was to handle her. My actions and words had an impact. She is never a burden. The world stops for her, and it's never my place to tell her what she wants. I always encourage what she wants (I failed at this). Make the dreams bigger (I failed at this). It's toxic to try and gaslight into saying I did do these things. I was the problem. I am glad she left, sad, but proud of her for standing up and leaving. I'm very proud of her for leaving, getting support, and not putting herself in a place to be manipulated by me into believing what I was doing was love or kindness. I failed at those things.

I was playing the victim. Someone else had power over my response. That's me giving away my power. If I make any excuse, I am making myself to be powerless. I have the power to choose my response. If I say it is dependent on how the other person treats me, then I am giving away control. It is admitting that I can't control myself. I can calmly say the thing that I am thinking. It is okay to say no. I don't have to allow everything. This is the essence of boundaries. I set boundaries out of respect. Setting boundaries out of fear of what's on the other side is just another way of saying I am powerless. I control me. I don't control anything else. I let them, and then let me. This theory goes deeper and deeper each time.

I also balked and fought against treating someone as a child. This was an excuse as well. I must treat everyone like a child. I don't get mad at children. I don't get frustrated with them. I can set boundaries and still be nice. That is being kind to myself and listening to my own needs. That is a way to treat someone I love.

I feel like I bought the bullshit of everyone else. The friends I talked to and the experts trying to tell me not to blame myself because it takes two. Those folks had me excusing my behavior and giving reasons why I might act a certain way. That's cool, but it doesn't excuse me being mean. It cannot justify any of my actions. I have a responsibility to others to treat myself with respect so I can treat them with kindness.

Don't try to bring anything or anyone down, that's the belittling, like they weren't being realistic and had to be concerned with all the problems of the real world in their dream. I know this because I'm a dreamer. I already saw the world with wonder and amazement and beauty. I let my own insecurities and fears take control, and I tried to defend as being so smart that I knew better and that it was going to fail.

Then I responded that she didn't have to be concerned with by her thoughts because what she thinks is a problem really isn't a problem.  I did it out of stressed mode and was critical and rude.  Not nice of me.  I said things that said she was always bringing up problems that I had to deal with, i.e. a burden...  Then I would tell her that she's not a burden when she asked for something, but I would act like I was burdened when she asked.  It was my current mood and allowing myself to get in such a stressed state that I couldn't recognize what was going on, and I wasn't listening. I am borderline being the victim again when I say that. The root cause is me not taking care of myself. I was just rushing through those moments.  Slow down. Take the time. There is plenty of time. We're not late.

I'm forgiving myself. I can accept my actions because I did those things. Not proud of that at all. And an apology will never be enough for the hell I caused on my perfect (ex)wife. She gets better every day.  I see that and recognize her beautiful growth. I see her growth because I see the growth in me. I have the love for myself. I give myself grace. I say this, and my head still wants to fight me. Time to connect with myself and not beat myself up.

I doubted her, and I don't like admitting my own failures. I didn't believe that she could have been doing all that healing. I wanted to protect my ego and not understand the truth: she knew something I didn't know. She was in a better place than me. I didn't know what I was doing, and I assumed she didn't know either. I couldn't let myself be wrong. She does know what she is doing. I need to listen instead of doing things the hard way. I can make things easier if I take advice without feeling shamed for it. I couldn't acknowledge my role because I was too busy looking for an excuse. I had to defend in an ingenious way that twists the whole thing up.

There's no more to figure out here.  There's no more grieving a life that won't happen.  I can celebrate the life that will happen. Time heals all wounds and nothing lasts forever. Enjoy the moments as they come.  And now I'm doing that.

Keep an eye out, world. It's time to go public again. There's some cool stuff happening.

I'm a nice guy today. Promise.