I don't know if these are still being read. I have written quite a bit that isn't published. I am holding myself back because I don't know how to say things. I am not saying all the things. I am not sharing what I'm doing. I am not sharing how I'm doing.

You wanna meet me somewhere? Semester tillsammans?

That makes me laugh. LOL

I laugh because it sounds like such a great idea in my head, but I tell myself "no." Then I get a good laugh at being the person who says no when I'm the guy who advocates for not telling oneself no.

I wrote a couple in Swedish even. That's my secret language hehe

I am your husband. I don't know how to be less than that. I am sorry for being mean on the phone. I am sorry for reacting. I would like to repair the damage I did. That sounds selfish when I read it. I would just like to talk to you again. The last call cannot be my last spoken words to you.

I have to be the one to tell myself "no."

I wrote a different letter about a recent happening, and I wrote about how your mind and heart are the best things about you. I don't know how to say the words and be understood properly. I feel like I say the wrong thing with you. I deleted parts 1 and 2 btw. They were not true and did not reflect properly how I really felt. You have the only copies. Words said in anger, hurt, or grief are not words that my sober mind agrees with. It was wrong of me to share those things. We've discussed that, and I am reiterating that you were correct.

I'm crazy.

In a good way though.

I am committed. Perhaps foolish or immature. I would not agree with the immaturity of this part, this feels more mature than before. But labeling myself as mature strikes me as something that could be seen very differently from another vantage point. Self aware. That is label enough. Willing to listen and change. There should be a label for that.

I don't know why or when I got so defensive with you. It didn't start that way. I understand now that defensiveness is emotional abuse. I don't defend anymore. I listen to understand. I don't assume an attack. I assume there is a need not being met, and I must ask questions to understand better how I can meet those needs.

This is a process. The tough thing with us is the past that wasn't repaired. I spent so much time going through all those moments, and I decided that my behavior is what needed to change. You did not do anything wrong. You did everything you could. I was caught in such a headspace that didn't allow for me to be present and listen. There is no excuse. I spotted a few things I could do to better myself, and I am doing that moving forward.

The story I tell from our marriage is one of true love. I have never felt such emotions, and I can't explain them. It's not what you did for me. Although you did a lot for me, so much. Those aren't the reason I love you. The real difficulty I see here is that most of the literature would say that I am just trying to get you back and if I do then I will treat you the same way as before. That's not gonna happen because I am aware.

I am making big changes. I don't think you're interested in me, so I'll keep the details sparse. There is so much I want to tell you. I need to tell you about the people we had dinner with! I learned something about people and myself.

I mitt liv, har jag träffat många människor. Nu vet jag verkligen att du är min favoritperson. Sättet ditt sinne fungerar på är vackert. As I grow, I hope to become more like you were when I knew you. (I say it like that because I can't claim to know you today)

I got too serious in California. I changed into something neither one of us liked. The answer was right in front of us. It required us to focus on the relationship instead of all that external noise. I was so focused on all that other stuff that I forgot to love you to the way you wanted to be loved. I remember we talked about love early on. Quality time and words of affirmation. I didn't do those things in the end. When you said it was like I didn't love you, I got defensive. I loved you more than anything I had ever known, and to hear that was a shock. I wanted you to work. I looked back and realized I said the wrong things and maybe made you think that I didn't want you to get a job. I wanted to talk to you about it more than we did. I was in the middle of working when some of these conversations happened. I wish I would have known better then. I felt like you were manipulating me to get things from me. You weren't. You needed my love and support. I didn't give it the way you wanted it.

There's another thing I wanted to address with you. I am so proud of you, verkligen. It was who you were the whole time. I felt like you were hiding things from me. It felt like you didn't want me to be part of things. You told me that you thought I would criticize or correct in some way. I'm sorry I did things like that. I have no criticism of you today. I was wrong on most occasions when I did.

I have thoughts that say it will be years before we can talk again. I also have thoughts that show you feeling something. But then I tell myself that neither one is true. It is only a thought.

Here's a fun one:

If you asked how often you come to mind, I would say once. Because you came and never left.

I'm mad at you. Will you come sit next to me? (not actually mad, just thought the sentiment was good on this one)

None of that matters. You're still my favorite.

I am halfway through "The #1 Best Dad Book". Everything in this book applies. I will be the best dad! I can recommend this book to you as well, even though you'll be a mom, the concepts are still applicable.

Also finished "The Lucky Ride". Highly recommend this book. It brought me to tears when I learned about his father's secret. I won't give it all away, but his dad wanted to share something with him. On the phone, his dad would ask when he was coming to see them. He was too focused on other stuff to find the time. He didn't see his dad, and his dad never got to tell him.

It tells me something about myself that this is the part standing out to me. The missed opportunity. The book doesn't dwell too much, and it doesn't speak of it much at all. The book is about being positive. It would take away from the positivity if we spent too much time on what was lost.

What we learn though is that life is meant to be lived for now, for helping people, for working and staying positive. Life is beautiful, and a positive mindset allows us to see the beauty and the opportunity around us.

Book club with you is amazing. Jag saknar bokklubben med dig.

Jag önskar att jag kunde visa dig min yogastudio.

I am not the man who you saw in California. California sunshine feels like Swedish winter when you're not around. Without my summer girl, everything feels like winter.

I write lines like this and recognize the potential for toxicity. I am trying to be consistent, consistently.

I am troubled by the thought of not being your friend. I can't explain it. There's a part of me that wants it to stop. There is another part that is holding on because I can't stand the thought of being without you for the rest of life.

I have you with me always in my head and my heart. There's poetry flowing from my mind, and the muse is you. I feel more than I've ever felt. It's an incredible state to be elated and in love. You know what I'm talking about. You've felt it. I had never felt it before.

I grew up a bit, and I also came back to the childhood roots. It's been a mix of integration between the mature man and the wondrous child.

Somebody said yesterday, "this is shit." My ears perked up and noticed the negative. I heard another say, "this design isn't that good." I also heard, "you might want to lose some weight." I heard so much negative stuff yesterday alone.

It makes me wonder why folks make these negative jokes and comments. Is it to bond over something negative? Is it jokingly, as in good humor over the negative? I don't know really. It's a difficult thing to pin down because each person would have their own reason, but it may be broad enough to apply over a spectrum. The end result is caused by something, and that something could be similar across people. It could also be cultural.

I am leaning toward the cultural thing. I am leaning this way because I've had a cultural conversation. The result of that conversation was identification of the difference. Sort of. I'm not giving full credit to this being figured out. I only have my theories.

I recognize what I did. I understand how I hurt you, upset you, and broke trust by reacting. I made it an unsafe environment because of my reactions. My defensiveness contributed and was a main driver of the dynamic. I am not defending anymore. I admit that I was trying to win. You are not a burden. Your emotions are not a burden. Nothing about you is burdensome. It was never you. I was the one who had trouble handling things. I was the one who couldn't ask for help. I was the one who reacted and took my ring off. I am so so so so sorry for that night. I hurt you in ways I didn't think of before I did it. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I did. I know now. How can I repair the damage done? How do we talk again?

I am risking repeating myself. I'll publish this one.

Here's my hope: you call me, and we talk.

May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you live a life of ease.

I choose not to believe the thoughts that say you hate me. I choose to believe in hope. I believe in you, sweethea... oops.... 😉

Lastly, I'm a yogi now. I look forward to doing yoga with you. I don't know anything and can't correct you. I humbly look up to you as my teacher, and I am your student. I have so much to learn from you. Learning from you is one of the things I miss. Laughing with you is missed. Planning a life with you, my favorite, that's what's missed most. Every activity is made better when shared with my best friend, my lover, my partner, the mother of our children. All this I did without you.... I found this letter, and I am copying a portion here. Others have already felt and written what I feel and write about. I started recording poems and letters. I recorded me reading this letter. There's that thought again....

Letter:

Now, let me tell you something… I have seen a thousand sunsets and sunrises; on land where it floods forests and mountains with honey-coloured light; at sea where it rises and sets like a blood orange in a multi-coloured nest of cloud, slipping in and out of the vast ocean. I have seen a thousand moons: harvest moons like gold coins, winter moons as white as ice chips, new moons like baby swans’ feathers.

I have seen seas as smooth as if painted, coloured like shot silk or blue as a kingfisher or transparent as glass or black and crumpled with foam, moving ponderously and murderously.

I have felt winds straight from the South Pole, bleak and wailing like a lost child; winds as tender and warm as a lover’s breath; winds that carried the astringent smell of salt and the death of seaweeds; winds that carried the moist rich smell of a forest floor — the smell of a million flowers. Fierce winds that churned and moved the sea like yeast, or winds that made the waters lap at the shore like a kitten.

I have known silence: the cold, earthy silence at the bottom of a newly dug well; the implacable stony silence of a deep cave; the hot, drugged, midday silence when everything is hypnotized and stilled into silence by the eye of the sun; the silence when great music ends.

I have heard summer cicadas cry so that the sound seems stitched into your bones. I have heard tree frogs in an orchestration as complicated as Bach singing in a forest lit by a million emerald fireflies. I have heard the Keas calling over grey glaciers that groaned to themselves like old people as they inched their way to the sea. I have heard the hoarse street vendor cries of the mating fur seals as they sang to their sleek golden wives, the crisp staccato admonishment of the rattlesnake, the cobweb squeak of the bat and the belling roar of the red deer knee-deep in purple heather. I have heard wolves baying at a winter’s moon, red howlers making the forest vibrate with their roaring cries. I have heard the squeak, purr, and grunt of a hundred multi-coloured reef fishes.

I have seen hummingbirds flashing like opals round a tree of scarlet blooms, humming like a top. I have seen flying fish, skittering like quicksilver across the blue waves, drawing silver lines on the surface with their tails. I have seen spoonbills flying home to roost like a scarlet banner across the sky. I have seen whales, black as tar, cushioned on a cornflower blue sea, creating a Versailles of fountain with their breath. I have watched butterflies emerge and sit, trembling, while the sun irons their wings smooth. I have watched tigers, like flames, mating in the long grass. I have been dive-bombed by an angry raven, black and glossy as the Devil’s hoof. I have lain in water warm as milk, soft as silk, while around me played a host of dolphins. I have met a thousand animals and seen a thousand wonderful things… but -

All this I did without you. This was my loss.

All this I want to do with you. This will be my gain.

All this I would gladly have forgone for the sake of one minute of your company, for your laugh, your voice, your eyes, hair, lips, body, and above all for your sweet, ever-surprising mind which is an enchanting quarry in which it is my privilege to delve.

(emphasis added by me, ditt sinne är det bästa)

Your amazing mind is a blessing to this world. Your boundless capacity for caring and empathy spreads joy to all those lucky enough to be around you. I love the way your mind works. I love the way you see the world. I think the world of you. I hope this makes you smile.

p.s. yes, I am aware I am writing letters to a woman who is not in love with me. I also have thoughts that this letter may backfire and push you further away. I don't know what I'm doing. It's my first time... LOL. I wonder what you think. What's on your mind? I have so many questions, but admittedly, I'm scared of the answers. How can we not be scared of each other anymore? How do we trust again? I have some guesses, but it's your decision. I want to watch When Harry Met Sally with you. We haven't watched either one of our favorite movies together yet. How did we manage that?!?!?! There's so much left in this world to see and do. All this I want to see and do with you. I want to read stories aloud to you (English and Swedish). I want to rub your feet. I want to snuggle and talk about the weird things in the world. I want to laugh at funny jokes, and I want to give and give and give. All the goals that are not based in a deeper relationship took me away from us. I let that distract me. I have written on this more than I remember. The biggest success of my life was marrying you. The second biggest success was the growth I experienced because of you. It could have gone the other way. I'll tell you the story of another couple, and you might cry like I did. I was so sad to hear their story.