This chapter begins as an apology to all those who have suffered by my hand. It is my sincerest apology after coming to a new realization. It was a constant source of pain for those who chose to be around me. I completely understand why those have chosen to leave. I have accepted that I am, and always have been, the problem. It was my actions, my words, my behaviors, my thinking, my understanding, it was all of me. I am the source of it all. I wrote on this previously, but this feels different. This is different.

The difference lies in the fact that I am not outsourcing my healing. I have sought professional help and guidance along the way, so it's not something I have to figure out alone. The work is done alone. The work becomes a quieting of the mind and an acknowledgment that I do not know it all. I knew these lessons once, or so I thought. They weren't a part of me, and I held reservations.

I also recognize it is much deeper than that. I have traumas. I have the types of traumas that don't go away with time. I also came to recognize that I can't with anyone during this healing. I can't have an intimate partner. I can't have a best friend who I want to share my entire life with. There's a song that seems to capture some of this feeling. I Burn Everything I Touch by Citycreed. I don't want to be your man. I hope you understand. I burn everything I touch. I wish you'd never said you love me. All I'm going to do is hurt you. Please don't let me hurt you.

I am moved to tears and softness, a gentle understanding. She sees the best in me when I can't. She deserves better, so much better. I can't let myself hurt you. There it is. The truth. I'm not any good for anyone else. I can't allow myself to get into that position because I hurt the ones who love me.

The work from here is trying to fit that or accept that. This is my choice. This is where I recognize how much pain and destruction I have caused in the lives of those who love me. It is not a secret as to why they had to leave. I played dumb, perhaps to protect myself. I used defensiveness and invalidation as my weapons of protection. I have not known previously that I wanted any of this to change. I used to say that I was fine on my own. I say it again today. There is a difference in meaning between the two. The opposite can be true, I am not fine on my own. But, I am fine on my own. Both things can be true at the same time. The difference between then and now is that I don't want to be on my own, I recognize the healing I must do, and I recognize that the future I envision is with another. That other is a fuzzy outline right now.

There's a new checklist. All the checkboxes are being rearranged, revised, and reformed. She will check all the boxes. That is the highest compliment my logical brain can give. The other that I have in mind understands that no higher honor or status can be achieved. She understands that with those checkboxes come the greatest intelligence, beauty, style, loving attitude, tender care, amazing kisses, earth-shattering, universe-containing, world-stopping, gorgeous eyes that pierce through me and see all that I can be and forgive all that I have been and gently call me to her every morning and every night.

With all this talk about the other, I am motivated to return to the self. If I stand any chance, I have a responsibility to work on myself to be ready. I was not ready before. Unfortunately, I have squandered and lost forever opportunities of the past. The future is bright, but I cannot sit back and wait for it to happen. It is an active participation on my part. The inside job is incomplete. When the mind is ready, the teacher will appear. My mind is ready, and the teacher has appeared. Teachers, in plural form, is probably the more accurate way to say that. I now completely understand why this is more than a month or two task. Life is to be completely reformed, I am to be completely reformed, and that cannot happen in just short a time.

The complete transformation of myself is not a different person emerging. I remain me. I am a better me. A more capable version of myself emerges. It can be analogized to learning any other skill. My reaction in a situation changes because of the education and training. I have this is another sports aspect, and others have learned the same sport and developed new abilities that were not possible before. Although we still remain ourselves. We are more capable versions of ourselves.

I am free to choose where this all goes. Not all of it. I am free to choose where I go, and I have some impact on the surroundings. I am settling into the better version of myself. I am growing and smoothing the rough edges. This process is painful. I had a discussion with some others who, subjectively, have it worse than me. It could also be that, subjectively, my situation is worse. Let me not get into the comparison game here. I am not here to say that any situation is worse than another. I am not here to compete on size of struggle. I am the lucky one. I am the one who gets to see it all. I am the one who chooses for myself. That's all I can do: make decisions for myself. I cannot change another or force anything onto them. I tried that before, and it pushes people away. Even attempts to help, without invitation, can push others away.

I've been spending most of my life living in a gangster's paradise. In some ways, that is a true statement. But really, I'm just a regular guy doing regular things. I may do a little extra here and there, but it's all the same stuff. I turn my focus to myself these days. I need work. I forgive all those who left. I would leave too, if I could. I almost tried once, many years ago. I am conscious of the pain I caused. I do not deny, nor do I defend. I accept, painfully accept, that I am the cause of this. I burn everything I touch. A real Midas of fire. Wish me luck. Pray for me. Send the vibrations of positivity into the universe for me. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be calm. May I be safe. May I be loved.