This chapter begins as an apology to all those who have suffered by my hand.

It is my sincerest apology, written after coming to a new realization. I have been a constant source of pain for those who chose to be around me. I completely understand why some of them chose to leave. I have accepted that I am, and always have been, the problem. To be clear, I do not accept this as a fixed narrative, and I am not forced to remain the problem. I can change. I am changing. The change begins and ends with me. It is no one else's work but my own.

It was my actions, my words, my behaviors, my thinking, my understanding. It was all of me. I am the source of the hurt. I am the source of my own suffering and of the suffering I caused those who chose to love me.

I have written on this before, but this feels different. This is different.

The difference is that I am no longer outsourcing my healing. I am no longer blaming some situation, some stress, some external circumstance, or someone else. I sought professional help and guidance along this leg of the journey, so this is not something I have to figure out alone. But the work itself is done alone. The work becomes a quieting of the mind and an acknowledgment that I do not know it all. The work is done to address the underlying source of my own hurt and pain so that it does not get projected onto someone else.

When I hurt someone I love, I am devastated. I am destroyed. It is not who I see myself as. It is not who I am. Knowing I caused that kind of pain fractured who I thought I was. My sense of self, decimated. That pain cuts deeper than any other I have experienced.

I knew these lessons once, or so I thought. But they were not part of me. I held reservations. I pushed against the idea that the problem was me, choosing instead to change circumstances instead of changing myself.

I recognize that it goes much deeper than the facade. It goes to how I interpret a situation, a word, a comment, a criticism. It affects how I show up in the world. It affects how I handle the world and people around me.

I have traumas. I have the kind of traumas that do not simply go away with time. I have also come to recognize that I cannot be with anyone during this healing. I cannot have an intimate partner. I cannot have a best friend with whom I want to share my entire life. This is in part because what has been revealed about me contradicts the self-image I held. If I shared my life right now, I would be bringing that instability into someone else’s life. What I once believed was strength, stability, or control has revealed itself at times to be reactive, neurotic inconsistency that can be scary.

Before that can happen, I need to undergo a radical transformation. Radical may be too strong a word here. The shift will be subtle from the outside. It does not announce itself dramatically. But it will be noticed in the smoothness, consistency, and safety of my presence.

There is a song that seems to capture some of this feeling: I Burn Everything I Touch by Citycreed.

I don’t want to be your man.
I hope you understand.
I burn everything I touch.
I wish you’d never said you love me.
All I’m going to do is hurt you.
Please don’t let me hurt you.

I am moved to tears and softness by this song. A gentle understanding arrives with the lyrics. She sees the best in me when I cannot. She deserves better, so much better. I cannot let myself hurt her.

There it is. The truth.

I am not in a place to be good for anyone else right now, to be that source of kindness and loving consistency for another. I cannot allow myself to get into that position because I hurt the ones who love me. With too much regularity, my love has turned into pain, and I do not accept that as an unchangeable fact about myself. I am not lost forever. I accept the past, forgive myself, and make amends for the pain I caused. All in an effort to be a more capable version of myself, for the love of self and others.

The work from here is trying to move forward from that truth, learning to accept the past, and growing into the man I am becoming. This is my choice. This is where I recognize how much pain and destruction I have caused in the lives of those who love me. It is no secret why they had to leave. Seeing this clearly was such a blow, as discussed, that I nearly lost myself in the realization. This writing uncovered the through-line: I hurt people I love, and those who love me, I refuse to accept that as fixed, and the work is change.

I played dumb, perhaps to keep myself from seeing that the problem was actually me. I used defensiveness and invalidation as weapons to protect my sense of self. I did not want to know that I was the problem. I couldn't accept it. I do not think I knew, before now, that I had to change, that I wanted to change. Apparently... I've never been on live television before... And I fucked up my first live appearance.

I used to say that I was fine on my own. I say it again today. But there is a difference in meaning between the two. The opposite is true too. I am not fine on my own. But I am fine on my own.

Both things can be true at the same time.

The difference between then and now is that I do not want to be on my own. My desire is to be with a beautiful woman, raise beautiful children, and build a beautiful life. I recognize the healing that is required on my part before any of that is possible. I recognize that the future I envision is with a partner by my side, and with me by hers, witnessing each other's lives. That partner is only a fuzzy outline right now.

There is a new checklist. All the checkboxes are being rearranged, revised, and reformed.

She will check all the boxes.

That is the highest compliment my logical brain can give. The partner I have in mind understands that no higher honor or status can be achieved. She understands that with those checkboxes come the greatest intelligence, beauty, style, loving kindness, tender care, amazing kisses, and earth-shattering, universe-containing, world-stopping, gorgeous eyes that pierce through me. Eyes that see all I can be, forgive all I have been, and gently call me to her every morning and every night.

With all this talk about the other, I am motivated to return to the self.

If I stand any chance, I have a responsibility to work on myself and be ready. I was not ready before. Unfortunately, I have squandered opportunities and lost some forever. Even with all the wasted opportunities, the future is bright, but I cannot sit back and wait for it to happen. It requires active participation on my part. It is up to me. I have a responsibility to my children, yet unborn, to my partner, yet unnamed, and to myself to make these changes.

The inside job is incomplete.

When the mind is ready, the teacher will appear. My mind is ready, and the teacher has appeared. Teachers, plural, would be more accurate. I now understand why this is more than a month or two of work. A life reformed cannot simply be rearranged to appear better. I am to be reformed. Such a reformation cannot happen in so short a time.

The complete transformation of myself does not mean a different person emerges. I remain me. I'm still crazy. I become a better me. I become a more integrated version of myself, handling life with strength, compassion, empathy, and kindness. A more capable version emerges in the process.

It can be compared to learning any other skill. My reaction in a situation changes because of education and training. I have seen this in sports. Others have learned the same sport and developed new abilities that were not possible before. They remain themselves. They are simply more capable versions of themselves in situations where the new skills are needed.

I am free to choose where this all goes.

Not all of it. I am free to choose the direction, and I have some impact on the surroundings. I am settling into the better version of myself. I am growing and smoothing the rough edges. I am choosing surroundings that allow for the best expressions of myself to emerge, while recognizing that with the right skills, many situations become navigable. That does not mean intentionally walking into danger simply because I might be capable of handling it. That feels like hubris.

This process of change is painful. It confronts me with the shadows of self and shoves them in my face with dramatic intensity.

I had a discussion with others who, subjectively, have it worse than me. It could also be that, subjectively, my situation is worse. But I do not want to get into the comparison game here. I am not here to say that any situation is worse than another. I am not here to compete over the size of struggle.

I am the lucky one. I am the one who gets to see. I am the one who gets to choose.

That is all I can do: decide for myself. I cannot change another person or force anything onto them. I have tried that, and it pushed people away. Even attempts to help, without invitation, can push others away. Today, I ask permission before I help.

I've been spending most of my life living in a gangster’s paradise. In some ways, that is a true statement. But really, I'm just a regular guy doing regular things. I may do a little extra here and there, but it's all the same stuff.

These days, I turn my focus to myself. I need work, and a little extra work at that.

I forgive all those who left. I would leave too, if I could. (I almost tried once, many years ago.) I am conscious of the pain I caused. I do not deny it. I do not defend it. I accept, painfully accept, that I was the cause of pain.

I burn everything I touch. A real Midas of fire. I am finding some gloves in this process.

Wish me luck. Pray for me. I send vibrations of positivity into the universe for you.

May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be calm.
May you be safe.
May you be loved.

p.s. It's like I'm always stuck in second gear when it hasn't been my day, my week, my month, or even my year. When the rain starts to fall, I'll be there for you. 😉