You must be compensating for something. I do this, and I've seen others do this. My dad is the best and closest example I have to speak of. I do the same as he does, and I have just in this moment recognized what it can do to our lives and influence our actions.

Switching gears for a moment. I didn't write an article yesterday, and I will compensate here for my selfish behavior yesterday. I didn't do much work work, but I did do some training in my sport. Today, I'm an amateur player in the sport. I hope to be a professional one day. Maybe I's semi-pro because I train others, but I don't get paid for this training. I do it for the love of the game.

I also wanted to speak about a moment that happened yesterday. My mom asked me about a goal I set. I told her that I hadn't accomplished it yet, which is due to my own lack of action. A few hours of work and it would be done. Her response was soul-crushing. "Wow" she said. The tone of voice was demeaning. It was a sarcastic tone. She was wowing about how I fell off, how my lack of action led to the expiration of a deadline. This was a soft deadline. I can still do it. This fucking hurt, and it derailed the conversation I wanted to have with her. I got off the phone quickly and without comment. I couldn't get my mind past her comment.

I felt like she wasn't encouraging me. I felt as though she was putting me down. I couldn't have this conversation with her because she would be defensive (been there before, and I know what she would say, her answers are at least consistent). It makes me feel that I should not share these things with her. My mom is one of my best friends and we talk often. She would surprise me if she offered some sort of apology. She most likely would defend her actions and explain them away. She would say my feelings are not warranted (in so many words). She didn't ask why I didn't do these things, she didn't make an effort to understand what's going on. I'm fucking depressed mom, back the fuck off. My depression isn't helped by my inaction, I know this, but it doesn't matter, my inaction leads me down that negative path. I want things to change, but I am the only one that can change things. It's on me. Knowing things is different from doing things. There's a lot I know but don't act on. My lack of motivation is compounding. I don't even want to go to the doctor to find out if there's a medical reason for depression (spoiler alert, there is). I broke my record, what the fuck, back the fuck off, leave me alone, but don't leave me alone, that only adds, but really leave me the fuck alone and let me slowly die in peace. Don't question me, you can't help, only I can help, back the fuck off. Encourage me, supplement my own motivation, you can't motivate me, but you can support my "why"; you can help, but it's my work, it's my doing, you can't do for me, and if you did, I feel like shit. Back the fuck off, again, back the fuck off (remember that broken record?).

Here I am compensating, again, yet again. Do I ask too much of you (general you, not a specific you)? No, I don't ask too much. I haven't stopped crying. I'm an emotional wreck, but really, I'm not. I'm out of bed at 5:30am every damn day, except on the weekends, I sleep in, 'til 6am. I write these articles because they mean a lot to me. It's something I can give to the world (compensating for taking and not giving?). Somedays, I wish I still did drugs, drank alcohol, and smoked cigarettes, at least that would give me the excuse I once had. What's my excuse today? Who can know my heart? Do I even know my heart? I don't want a why, I want to feel free. There's a good why. Every potential avenue leads to the freedom to do what gives us joy. How would I really enjoy spending my life? I should do that, and the freedom follows. I keep telling myself I can't throw it all away out of some obligation I feel to live up to other's expectations. Will I really go back to cooking in that diner? Nah, fuck that. I'd just do what I love doing. I would train, compete, and win. I would make friends with those who want the best for me. I would stand up straight with my shoulders back in a confident position. The external perception of confidence is powerful, and it feeds that internal confidence. What the fuck am I supposed to do with all these memories?

Read this if you dare, it may reflect on something you have felt in your own life. We are human, if you cut me, do I not bleed? And nobody makes me bleed my own blood. Last time I checked (about two paragraphs ago), I'm still fucking depressed. When does that go away? When do the thoughts of the easy path go away? When will I live the value of seeking discomfort?

I also said some shit yesterday that I want to apologize for. I said "sweet dreams" to a friend, just a friend, nothing more. I wouldn't say this shit to any other friend. Oops. I am not apologizing though. And I probably won't take that step. In the moment, I wanted to say it, it almost felt natural to hope a good night's rest to this friend. It may or may not be appropriate, but I felt like saying it because I truly wanted her to have a good night and wake up in the morning refreshed with a nice memory of the rest she so needs. Sweet dreams are something that give us a smile when we wake. It allows for a deeper sleep, more restful sleep. This is true for me at least. Maybe it doesn't work for others, but how the fuck would I know that? We all eat food; food makes us feel better. Should I wish her a good meal? That sounds ridiculous. It would be a very eastern well-wish. "Have you eaten" is a common question, and "enjoy your meal" might be a good thing to say in that context. "How was your rest" became common between me and this friend. Wishing good rest may be appropriate, but "sweet dreams" is something I might say to someone closer than a friend, and we are not that. It doesn't feel right to say that to a friend; it sends the "wrong" message. But is it wrong? It definitely sends a different message. I have another friend, and to her, I would never say such things. I have many other female friends, would never send such a message. Why did I say it to her? Maybe she prefers violent dreams. Maybe she prefers dreams where she is winning. Maybe she likes it when she doesn't dream. I don't know, but I assumed without knowing. I am working to get beyond wishing my own desires on another. Would I wish her to like the same foods I like? No. Would I wish her something I like out of the assumption she would like it too? No. I would ask what she likes and wish her that. My dreams tend toward violence. I kill and get killed. I wake up shouting, screaming, punching, kicking, running; yes, physically doing these things. I wish sweet dreams upon myself. I wish good dreams and good sleep upon others. Good dreams are defined by her; sweet dreams are defined by me. Give everything and take nothing. Or, give what they want and take what I want, so long as it doesn't harm another in the process. I'm still not apologizing. It was something I thought to be nice, and that's that. Wonder if this will be read... If so, say something in response, or don't. If not, I am better for having written it and exploring my thoughts and feelings.

I'm an asshole, lol. I may not be an asshole, but I am forward and will call bullshit when I see it. I won't allow others to walk on me, not anymore. Go fuck yourself for your stupid shit. I'm that asshole. You are incompetent, and I won't waste my time trying to help you relieve your own incompetence. Correction, I will help you, once. If you don't wisen up, I won't keep trying. I will not interact. I'm a nice guy, and I'm not sorry for your perceptions. I care if you care, and I don't care if you don't care. If you seek in earnest, I will help all I can. You don't have to get it right on the first try, but I expect you to listen. Falling short of this expectation is the quickest way to get left alone. I'll just move on. No skin off my back. I have better things to do than waste time on someone who doesn't care enough to listen. I sit in silence. Speak only that which will benefit others or yourself. I speak softly, and I carry a big fucking gun (sticks aren't as effective). Come at me, and I will give it right back, I will win. No doubt. When I act and maintain my persistence, I cannot lose. I cannot fail, only learn, grow, and become better for the experience. I learn. Where is the lesson in this article? What should we take away? What have we learned today?

I don't like others who would sarcastically question me. I much prefer those who ask why. I much prefer those who would show caring for why I have not done something. These people want the best for me. I prefer those who cannot stand to see me squaller in the mire of my own mind. How do people not get this? Shit, do I get this? I am questioning my own behavior out of a desire to be better. Be best (thanks Melania, I use that shit all the time).

In the end, we ultimately live the life we want. We live the life we design. Lifestyle design is possible for everyone. I add and subtract as necessary. I add and subtract people and things. I add and subtract habits. I add and subtract 5s, 7s, 4s, other numbers, and 2s. I like 2, it's my favorite number, not the loneliest but the second loneliest. Second place is forgotten, 1 gets all the credit in this department; I don't know any songs about 2. I remember you, 2. You're something special, the genesis of all other evens, you're not the odd in the room, but you're looking at those other evens, knowing they are a multiple of you, and knowing you may never be anything more. Stand strong 2, you are the first.

Spell check your life. Do you have your words right? Is this something you would be proud to share? Are you a 2? Do you stand strong in the face of others' comparison? Do you pursue more for yourself? Is it your lot in life that defines your altitude? What can you do? What brings you joy? Do that. You must first know what it is.

Aw fuck, I've got more to say. I'm the boy in the movie scene who just wants to leave and never come back. Your dreams are like mine. Can I run away with you? This doesn't refer to any particular person at this moment. But I am throwing into the universe, I need you. Where are you? I'm out here trying to find you. Stop hiding. Life is not a game of hide and seek. I can climb to the peak, I can jump off, I can fly through the skies, gazing down upon the earth, looking to the world where I once walked, grateful for becoming a bird. Some wish there are a bird so they can fly far far away. I wish I was a bird, not to fly away, but to have greater perspective. To have the flock of two. Take my hand and let's fly. We are together as the world passes by beneath us. We are caught up in the trees, we see far, we see the forest for what it is, a distraction.

Together, that thought makes me feel. I have never experienced togetherness. I don't know what it feels like. do, however, know it's something I want in this life. I'm alone, flying. Must I land to find you, or will I find you in the sky? Do you fly by yourself as I do? Or are you too afraid to fly alone? Do you need someone else to encourage you to fly? Are you trying to fly by riding on my back? I don't want you. You must fly this high to ride this ride. Come with me. Fly on your own power, I will encourage you to fly farther, but I cannot carry you. If I am carrying a passenger, my fuel economy goes down, my max range is diminished. I won't alter my goals for you. But I may find the courage to chase the dream. When no one is around, when I am not together in this flight, I am fine. The purpose, however, is lessened in intensity. Others are our reason to push.

Kids don't fall in love no more. How can I love someone, how can I trust someone? Hard enough to trust, how can I love? I fall hard, and in this falling, sometimes we don't have a parachute. The parachute is to keep us from hitting the ground, smashing into the earth, being taught not to fall in the first place. If it doesn't kill us, it hurts so much that we will think twice, or three times, or continuously thinking and never taking the leap, never allowing the fall. We get trained. This bullshit is detrimental to progress. Keep falling my friends, get back up and fall again. All the priors are not failure, they are the strengthening we need. What we need, not what we want. How do we tell the difference though?

This is Learning Made Hard.