I'm not a huge fan of the title to this chapter, but sometimes those words are all that can be used. They told me I could lead the horse to water. I thought it would drink. It is likely there was a time that I made the mistake of pushing the horse's head into the water in an attempt to force the drinking. Here's the water. Here's the answer. Here's how to do it. Please horse! Please drink!! You're gonna lose yourself if you don't drink. I'm worried for you. I care, but I can't.

I am reminded here of where the limits of love reach. I believe another person was right about me. It was not my place. It is not my place to tell another person how to live their life. My love stops, and I must let them.

That's the idea: Let Them.

I am powerless. It's not my fault. It's not their fault. There's no way to go back an undo what's been done. I am not able to do anything. It was never a fight worth having. It shouldn't have been a fight, but I made it that way. I was wrong. I was not the person to tell them what I told them. They communicated that to me, and I crossed the boundary knowing that I was doing it.

I thought that was sacrifice, but I had it wrong. I felt a responsibility for another person. I again treated them like they weren't aware and had to be told. I may have felt that way based on what I was hearing, but that is where restraint happens. I got to learn a new lesson with this one. This is what it really means to Let Them. I will let me move on from this.

I got caught up and wasn't present. I wasn't listening. I had an agenda, or at least it seems that way in hindsight. I didn't start with an agenda. I heard something that sounded the same, and I let that blind me to what was going on in the moment.

I sacrificed my reputation. A previous version of this made myself to be the hero of the story. But that's not true. I got nothing out of this, and I doubt now that the other person did either. If I embarrassed them, I cannot be heard. If I'm not listening, I am preaching. They don't want the sermon.

I heard that some people behave in ways that cause themselves pain, and it doesn't matter how much pain they cause. The person caught in the grips of their own pain can do nothing. It's not their fault. I am doing a bit of learning about how to treat people. It's crazy how I got so blinded by this that I wanted to save another person. Was I the person caught in pain? I am not so blind in hindsight, but how do I fix my foresight and presence?

That person is worthy of Love, Kindness, Compassion, and Forgiveness. I ripple into the universe those feelings. I see more clearly today. I offer love, kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. I offer those to myself. I hope the mirror remains. Love is not enough to pierce through the defenses. Love is also not a reason to push harder. I probably have a bit to learn on this for myself to move forward.

There was a job once, and I thought I sacrificed myself for others. I thought was the only one who could speak the truth. I was the one who took it too far. I don't know if others ever knew of my actions. I only know that today the others have the things I fought for. Did I make the difference, I don't know. Was it worthwhile, yes. Because I couldn't hold my head high if I walked away without saying anything. This is a pattern that cannot be applied to love. It is not the same thing.

There is a statement that runs through my head very often. It goes: if you knew the whole time, why didn't you say something? When I heard that, I took it to mean that I should say something if I see something. I knew the whole time and just waited for you to figure it out. The tricky part is knowing that statement to be true and also knowing when to not say something. Discretion being the better part of valor. I still believe that friends who are worried should speak up and not let someone enter into a dangerous place without full knowledge. But how far does that go?

Love has me doing funny things. I can't trust myself to act rationally. I got crazy in love again, which is exactly what I didn't want to do. I heard also another statement, directed toward me: you made me this way. I didn't agree. I also don't agree that another person made me the way I am. I showed up the way I am, and the dynamic was such that all of the flaws were brought to the surface.

I can't do anything. I can't change anything. I can't say anything. In the context of the past, I cannot deliver words and expect another to hear the message in the present. I pushed and pushed. I triggered old wounds. I did this before. At least I'm consistent. I don't want to continue in that consistency. That's why I write to learn.

I couldn't see the problem in the mirror. I thought I was doing so good with the progress. I gave myself some credit. I knew I had a long way to go. I didn't know where the journey would take me. It has brought me here. I must let them heal. I must let me take care of my own healing.

I got exhausted from it all. That was part of what triggered me. I am in awe of people who have the presence to walk away. I want to change something. I have a difficult time with letting them hurt themselves or do it wrong. I can do it with some stuff, but it's the stuff where I can't do it that has caused real harm.

I let myself believe I was doing something virtuous. I can see that it has aspects of virtue. It was a sacrifice. It was also not my place. I have been learning that lesson for years. I have read that book, and I have probably written about it myself.

If I have a broken bone and I don't heal properly, it is my own fault for not doing the physical therapy to get back to 100%. It's not up to a doctor, it's up to me.

My insecurities were triggered. I couldn't take the ownership of my actual role. I tried to take ownership of another's role. I put their issues in the spotlight, and it was not something they wanted to see. I did it anyway. That is not cool bro. I don't have to repeat myself, say it a different way, or push harder. I need to stop. I need to listen.

A couple years ago the thoughts were not as formed and matured as they are today. Although maturity still behaves like immaturity. I am not claiming to know it all. I am not claiming complete vision. But, from where I am on this climb, I can see a little farther.

Not every argument is worth having. There are types of people who make me feel like I have to respond, defend myself, and make them understand. I am typically decent at recognizing these types of people, and I walk away. It's more difficult when it's a person I love and care for. I feel an obligation to not abandon that person. Better said that I feel like I'm abandoning that person. It feels completely wrong to abandon someone I care for deeply. The thought of doing so haunts me. I struggle with leaving something that I care so much for. I think back to how it must have been for me when I was young. I made a somewhat vow to myself to never leave someone, to never abandon.

I am confused when I think about someone with abandonment issues and how they can abandon people. I think through a possibility, and perhaps the issue is not abandonment but shame. I also think through how I abandoned love for being right. I tried to win the day and prove it. I pointed to evidence, and I embarrassed another person unnecessarily. It was never my fault for what happened to me. It is my fault that everyone keeps leaving. That's me, continuing in the same patterns.

My pattern hides behind love and caring as some sort of mask. But I am admitting here that it was once again fear. I feared for another, when their safety was never my responsibility. But damn do I struggle with that concept. I need to learn more to understand when and how I am responsible. I was supposed to protect. But what does that even mean?? I had some thought that doing what I did was protecting them. I have got to stop hitting the students... Figuratively here.

How do I chill the fuck out? How do I let them? I should probably read some portions of that book again.

In all of this I know a thing, this was supposed to happen. I would not have had a conversation where I learned about the human emotion of embarrassment had I not had the conversation where I pushed my agenda. I would have not had conversations with others and learned this if I hadn't done that. I also know that this didn't have to happen, had I learned the lesson before. I could have maintained some semblance of a relationship had I known this lesson and let them. I could have had some influence and maybe helped in a gentle way. I could have walked away.

I think I confused release with abandonment.

That is probably one of the reasons I held on so tightly. Somewhere along the way, I made a vow to myself that I would not leave people. I wouldn't abandon someone I loved. I wouldn't become the person who walked away when things got hard. I wouldn't be like my parents.

I am learning that letting them have their own life is not abandonment.

Letting them make their own choices is not the same thing. Letting them learn in their own time, or not learn at all, is not abandonment. It only feels like it because I still want control over the outcome. I want my love to matter enough to change the ending. There I am confronted with my limits again.

But love does not give me ownership over another person’s healing.

I can speak once. I can speak gently. I can offer water. I can point to the mirror. I can be honest.

I can't push someone’s head into the water and call it love. I can't embarrass someone into becoming honest. I can't preach and call it listening. I can't keep repeating myself and pretend it's caring.

I can’t.

Even though I don't like those words or accepting them, maybe those are the only words that fit.

I can’t make them see.
I can’t make them heal.
I can’t make them choose differently.
I can’t save someone from a lesson that belongs to them.

I can only learn my lesson.

Let them.

Let them misunderstand. Let them choose what feels safe. Let them carry their wounds how they carry them. Let them heal when they are ready. Let them not be ready.

Let me.

Let me stop turning love into force. Let me stop calling fear responsibility. Let me stop confusing sacrifice with control. Let me move on from this.

Not because I stopped caring.

Because I finally understand that caring is not the same as control.