I'm not a huge fan of the title to this chapter, but sometimes those words are all that can be used. They told me I could lead the horse to water. I thought it would drink. It is likely there was a time that I made the mistake of pushing the horse's head into the water in an attempt to force the drinking. Here's the water. Here's the answer. Here's how to do it. Please horse! Please drink!! You're gonna lose yourself if you don't drink. I'm worried for you. I care, but I can't.

I am powerless. It's not my fault. If it were my fault, I could fix it. I could change something. There's no way to go back an undo what's been done. The verdict is in. There is no appeal. I am not able to do anything. I am giving up the fight. It was the last fight. There was one final attempt. There was a final battle. The battle was won, but not by me.

I sacrificed my reputation. That was my final act of service. I became the villain because that's what felt right. I tried to save another. It appears my efforts to help caused harm. I hope it was not in vain. I hope the other sees. But that is not my concern anymore. I need to save myself. I have a life to live, and it is no longer focused on helping a single person who does not want help.

I heard that drug addicts do something similar, and it doesn't matter how much pain they go through or cause. The person caught in the grips of their own pain can do nothing. It's not their fault. They are worthy of Love, Kindness, Compassion, and Forgiveness. I ripple into the universe those feelings. I see more clearly today. I offer love, kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. I offer those to myself. I hope the mirror remains. I will not be there to know. Love is not enough to pierce through the defenses. I probably have a bit to learn on this for myself to move forward. If only I were a wizard, I would be able to cast a spell.

There was a job once, and I sacrificed myself for others. I was the only one who could speak the truth. I was the one who took it too far. I don't know if others ever knew of my sacrifice. I only know that today the others have the things I fought for. Did I make the difference, I don't know. Was my sacrifice worthwhile, yes. Because I couldn't hold my head high if I walked away without saying anything. Self-preservation is not typically a virtue I attribute to myself.

Love has me doing funny things. It is now time to protect myself. I can't trust this person. I can't do anything. I can't change anything. I can't say anything. I can't help someone who won't see past the history to hear the words and understand the message. I pushed and pushed. I hit some nerves. I triggered old wounds. I did this before. At least I'm consistent.

My words were not received. Some people are not easy to deal with. Some of those people are not interested in being easier to deal with. They can't hear the message through their own pain. They can't see what unconditional love and emotional intimacy looks like. Some of those folks can only see their wounds. They look for something that doesn't trigger those wounds. That's no way to live. I can't live with someone who seeks safety over honesty. I really tried to be gentle, and then it stopped being fun to deal with the constant accusals. I don't know how to speak to be heard. My comments are dismissed as some sort of shifting manipulation. That is far far far from the reality. My comments are defended against. I asked for them not to defend and just listen. I pointed out the pattern. I'll reference a 3-lettered name, and I am in awe of that person's maturity and ability to just leave. It's exhausting. I'll follow the example set.

I died on that hill. I can only martyr myself and hope the difference happens when I am no longer around. A forgotten martyr is not very useful though.

If I have a broken bone and I don't heal properly, it is my own fault for not doing the physical therapy to get back to 100%. It's not up to a doctor, it's up to me. Friends who plot behind my back and won't speak to my face are not real friends at all. Friends who are worried should speak up and not let someone enter into a dangerous place without full knowledge.

I'll have to revisit and polish these thoughts. There is good material for learning in here. Red Flag: Triggered insecurities and unwillingness to take ownership over their own healing and growth (through actions, not merely the words that sound like emotional awareness).