I am writing this to get it out of my head. I keep bouncing around with ways it could have worked with the wife. I believe fully that it was all possible had we just communicated better. We loved each other and were both willing to do whatever it took to be together. We both understood it would be difficult. We both knew what we were signing up for. We are both incredibly smart and strong people. We are an amazing team.

I am missing my assistant Anna. That could have been how to make this work. Toning down the big grand dream and just working to build our grand life together. I don't know why we didn't do that. I remember a conversation where I didn't want to put additional work on her because of the work she already had. I couldn't bring myself to take her business away. I couldn't bring myself to take my half of that business away either. I believe in its potential. I still do. But I would have given it all up for her. I would have had a moment of loss and grief and stress, for sure. Together we could have decided this was better for both of us. We could have made that decision together if we could have talked without fear. I was afraid it would upset her, she may have been afraid to upset me. That fear of each other is no good for our relationship. Not good for any relationship when telling the truth is something to be scared of.

We could have worked together, spent time together, and we could have had common things. She could have gotten to talk to people instead of being alone. I could have had her instead of struggling alone. We both could have benefited. She could make money, and we both could have been able to build something together. We could have strategized on how to grow that business. She could have her practice going also, and she could have had flexibility to attend classes and trainings as she saw fit. We could have been working together on one thing and both supporting us. It could have been the dream team. But the big dream got in the way of the dream team.

That sucks man. I miss my assistant. I miss my partner. I miss my best friend. Every damn day I am full of regret at how this was a failure of my own making. I don't want a new wife. I want a new plan. I want a new life. I want a new future. I want our kids. Our beautiful kids. I want them to love like their mother loves. I want them to be kind like their mother is kind. I want them to speak the truth no matter the consequences like their father (but maybe a little less blunt at times lol). I want them to refuse to tell themselves "no" like their father (but with a little more of their mother's groundedness lol). I want them to have the best qualities of both of us. I want them to feel safe and secure in themselves and in the love they have from their family. I want them to speak two languages, a mother tongue and a father tongue lol.

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So, here's the story of our day:

"Hey sweetheart, did you see anything from James? I've been waiting on his email, and I may have missed it because you know how I am."

"No, I've been looking too. If I see it, I'll let you know."

"Thanks, these folks are driving me nuts some days. I'm glad I've got you to keep me sane."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I feel it sometimes too, and I'm just taking their phone calls. I can only imagine what it's like having to talk to them about their problems. I've got your back, babe!"

"I know you do, sweetheart. I love you for that. I appreciate you for understanding. I also want to talk about hiring someone. We've been talking about it, and now that the work is picking up, it might be time."

"Oh! I remember we talked about that, and I think it's a good idea that you get some help doing the work. There's way too much for one person."

"I wish it could be you. I really like how we come together and make things happen. I am worried about bringing on someone new and having to pay them and train them. You know I tried with that lady, and you saw how that worked out."

"Oh man, that lady was terrible! She was supposed to have 20 years experience, right?"

"Yeah, she does have a lot of years, but it doesn't seem like she had a lot of practice in that time. haha"

"Hey, I've got an idea! What if we go to that foot massage place tonight after we're done for the day? You took us there when we got here, and I know it would relax you."

"Sweetheart, I love you. You're my favorite. What if we go right now and just skip out on the rest of the day?"

"Really? Are you sure? I know you said you have a lot of work to do."

"You're right. I did say that. And I do have a lot of work. But, and answer me honestly, do you want to get a foot massage? Would it help you relax a bit?"

"Well... I mean, if there's a lot of work, then work comes first."

"You're right sweetheart, and now you sound like me. haha But, I am asking about you, because you come first. Work will be here tomorrow."

"I really could use a massage. That sounds wonderful!"

"Alright, as the boss, I say we are closed for the day! My lady needs a foot massage! Let's go!"

And with a wink, he kissed his beautiful wife (like he missed her), and they locked the door and headed for foot massages.

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I so wish this dream would come true. I have a part of me that believes. Then another part remembers what she said she wants... I have to listen to my beautiful wife, always. Because she comes first.

Although, what about the kids?! Who do I save in a fire? I save the kids, right? Because she can take care of herself, right? Oh, I don't want to think about that. That's a tough topic. I don't want to plan for scenarios that aren't happening. But this one might be worth planning for. It could happen. And I want to keep us all safe. She also wants us all to be safe. I am voting we have that difficult conversation to make a plan in case of emergency.

Just like we should have had the conversation to make a plan in case of this emergency. Not just making our own plans to keep ourselves safe. We needed a plan to keep us both safe, to keep us together. It takes open, honest, and safe communication for that to take place. If I write something or say something that doesn't make sense or could be taken in a wrong way, please call me out, gently. I hope one day there is enough safety between us that, if something needs to be said, you can tell me, and there are no blockages or barriers or baggage to unpack. If that day ever comes, I will not defend. I will seek to understand, validate, and get curious. I will also provide the context so you know that I didn't mean any harm. I will seek to understand the impact so I can know to treat you better. Through this mutual work, we will both get better. The triggers will slowly fade, and the triggering actions will become less. This takes a mutual trust that is built through communication and time. I am preparing every day for this opportunity, if it should ever present itself.

None of this is meant to say that my fantasy can replace what actually happened. It can't. This is only to say that fantasy shows me what I missed. I missed our dream life together. Mostly because I couldn't keep it together, and I valued the important things too late.

We got a little hard learning from all this. Trial and error. Fail and try again. Fuck it up, listen and learn to not fuck it up next time, if there is a next time. And remember, I'm not dead, there will be a next time (in some form). There are all sorts of happy endings.