I am in tears again. I won't talk about others, only myself. I finally got onto the marketing for the company. I looked today at the people following the company, and it killed me to see who was not following. I had no idea before today.

I built this company with someone I thought supported it. Then to find it's not being supported was such a blow. I had to leave where I was because I was in public. It's good to know, and I need to go through this. I would not have liked to find out later.

My feelings are of remorse and regret. I wrote things that didn't go over well, I'm guessing. I said things that for sure didn't go over well. I wasn't intending any of the effects, but the effects happened. The tragedy of the label was something I wanted to avoid myself. Nobody is looking at this anymore. I'm safe to say what I want, to say what I feel.

I was chastised already by friends for what I did. I beat myself up. I have been putting myself through it. I wasn't even trying to look at anything, and then it happened. I didn't click to see any pictures or stories. It's a highlight reel, and it doesn't mean much, and I know it will only hurt me more.

I unblocked where I had blocked. I do not feel right blocking someone. It's not like they are unwelcome. Some people are unwelcome. Those remain blocked.

I attempted some repair, and I know my writing probably ruined it more. There's the anxiety speaking again. I'm not faking it. I am just human. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad.

I would like to have something that is new and different. I don't like what it became. I am stopped from any attacks. I thought so. Then I didn't realize what impact I might have again with non-attacking stuff. I am an emotional being having some experience. Steve jumps up and provides some protective solutions. I don't want any of that. I am just wanting peace. I want peace. Can we laugh again?

I am not being critical of anyone's current life. Even though I know it looked that way. Damn! Fucking up left and right... I am not critical, and I am also just being a fool. A strong man, a good man, who got trapped in labeling and emotional outbursts. Funny how I became this.

Funny indeed.

I am the tragedy of someone who got in his own way. Someone who fell victim to his own mind. Victim to myself. I am borderline self pity these days. It probably looks like that, and it reads that way. I don't feel like that though. I feel like I'm strong and capable and I believe in the future. The future will be great.

I gotta know what happens to Nik and Carlos!

The writing was for me. The writing was for the world. I just wish there was peace and friendship. That's what I ruined. I ruined it. It was me. She chose to leave because of me. Not because of friends or a label, but because of me.

Maybe I was trying to make sense of it and find some comfort, maybe I couldn't blame myself. I already did blame myself. Then it stopped making sense. There were her words, my friends words, her friends words, and my mind just went to work. My head wanted a theory, perhaps. My head needed to make sense of it all. The final sense of it all, which is where I started, was that I caused this. Others tried to comfort me, and that just doesn't work. I only believe her words because she was the only one there. Her words hurt. Her choices hurt. I turned that hurt around and it became something that isn't me. I cried and asked how she could hurt me so. I hurt her first. I know.

I was so happy. I wish I could take it all back! I wish I could have made her happy. I made her sad. I love her so much. I haven't forgiven myself for what I did. I tried to make it not my fault. I wrote about that to try and convince myself. I probably had some thought to win. My ego and pride needed to believe it wasn't me. I had to point to something else. I didn't stand a fucking chance. I don't know how to fix this. It can't be fixed is the conclusion I am coming to. I broke it. I couldn't just be quiet and let all these emotions pass. I couldn't take the space I needed. I am all in the middle of it, and I wasn't able to get away. I am jealous. That is my jealousy rearing its ugly side. I am jealous that she could. I made that worse for her too.

She doesn't read these anymore. She's not cheering me on. She's not on my team anymore. She's not my partner. She's not my friend. Because of me. Because of what I did. I want my friend. I want to move forward. I don't see it as going back to anything. But what I want doesn't matter. It's only what the other person wants.

I am the only one who believes. What does that make me? Am I wrong if everyone tells me I'm wrong? Is this actually going anywhere? I still believe in the business. It's hard to believe alone. This road is tough. It's lonely. It's familiar. Yep...

I hate this feeling. I love that I can feel. Conflict in myself.

I need a best friend. I need a partner. They will show up eventually. I gotta have faith in the future.