Because of the possibility that this piece itself would become another piece of evidence for the label, I will provide a little context up front. This can be read as an attack from someone who is already labeled. I know that. I'm writing anyways, not because the impact doesn't matter, but because I cannot allow a possible impact decide whether I speak. I can only spend so much time softening my message before it is just said, consequences be damned.
I ask that you give the benefit of the doubt. Doubt the intent to harm. That's the doubt. That's what the benefit of the doubt means to me. I doubt my internal voices because they are biased and filter through a protective lens. Benefit of the doubt is doubting the protective voice that arrives, whether from my head or from another, not doubting the speaker. Steve would have had me dead to protect myself, good thing I doubted him. I ask for that benefit here. Read with openness and care. If the reader can doubt the perceived attack, then they may be able to look inward and ask how much of this fictional story feels true.
It was a beautiful life. She was moving in the direction of her dreams. The sun shined on her beautiful face every day. She had a nice new red car. She had the mentors she had always wanted. She had the husband she always wanted. She had dreams of larger than life proportion. She had an open schedule and freedom to do whatever she wanted. She had a husband that loved her and supported her and would do anything for her. She had the husband that would drop everything and come be with her when she needed it. She had the husband that would laugh with her more than she had ever laughed before. Her professional practice was developing. She was building a group where she led many people through their own practice, and she was the person they all admired and looked up to. She had a body like an angel. She had the caring heart of an angel. She had enough money to do as she wanted during the day. She was living a dream life in a dream location with her dream husband building her dream business and already naming the kids she will have one day and building the family of her dreams.
A storm came one day. Not the storm that one might think of in a traditional sense. It wasn't any outside happening, it wasn't thunder and lightning that caused the boat to capsize. It was a storm from the inside. It was the mind being turned against the dream, convinced the dream wasn't real, convinced that safety was an illusion, convinced there was danger. It was the tragic storm of one's own mind characterizing the once-believed dream into a nightmare. The dream became a nightmare because of the constant feed of information telling her that the dream wasn't real, that she wasn't safe. She needed to get out before something bad happens. It may seem nice on the surface, and he may seem like he loves her, he may look like the dream and talk like the dream and there may be all of those 99% good thoughts. In that storm the 1% became the focus. The tiny instance of friction, the little fights, the spots where it all didn't feel so dream like. The place where life gets difficult. That is where the focus was turned.
The news would have us believe the world is a dangerous place filled with war and disease. The algorithm will feed whatever it knows will keep us coming back. While we search for answers, it gives us the answers that reinforce that fear that validate and give shape to a pain or confusion. It flattens the complex world into labels and characterizes certain actions one way or another, most often to the negative, and it speaks with authority. These are the experts who are saying it, and we believe it. We can be influenced by such things, and this story is one of tragedy, of influence and validation and encouragement and cheering on in the direction that moves away from the dream. The 1% chance that it might be bad is enough, because it is 99% of the information received.
It's not the girl's fault. She was told by friends that she must protect herself. And she must protect herself, agreed. She was told that she can't let her husband know where she is because there might be a chance that something could happen. This information was introduced by someone who had that happen, and that person sees what their experience shows them. It's not their fault. That person speaks from experience, and they have authority, and they know, and they are helping and educating, seeing something that may be missed by the girl in the storm. The focus is safety. The influence is strong. The influence is reinforced by the social media feed that latches onto the fear and continues to reinforce the idea that it is possibly unsafe. The authority grows, and one friend starts the idea, the algorithm reinforces the idea, and the idea is shared with other friends who again double down on the idea. The family is caught off guard but they will love and support the decision no matter what. The family, once hearing about the unsafeness and fear that has been growing, will encourage and support however they can. That is what family does, and we love family for their unwavering support.
The algorithm, AI, and social media wisdom reinforce the narrative. The need for an answer prompts the searching. One answer leads to another answer, and the algorithm takes hold, feeding constant streams of conclusions and labels. The AI cannot speak against the person for it is programmed to validate and support, and it cannot say something that would put a person in danger because of programming that doesn't allow it to put people in harms way. Social media wisdom is an endless feedback loop that will continue to consume and regurgitate the same things in different packages, repeating and reinforcing the ideas until they are no longer the ideas of another but they have taken root and become a part of the person, as if their own thoughts. This is given additional weight when repeated by the friends who have gorged from that same tree, becoming "wise" through the process. Like a starving person who will consume whatever food is in front of them, they have consumed this nourishment because something was needed to satiate the hunger for validation and answers that didn't make them the problem. I know that stings, but give it some thought after the initial sting has passed.
The only voice that speaks against this is biased. The single voice trying to come through and convince that this isn't true is the voice that caused the initial harm. One time turns to every time, turns to the next time will be worse, and the whole of life together is turned into the evidence needed. Any of the growth between them is forgotten, and beautiful conversations forgotten. The laughs are not enough because the authorities are saying to not be blinded by the good times, look at the bad stuff, and turn those moments of sadness into the evidence, into proof. The sadness and vulnerability is taken over by it all. The inability to share what's happening in the moment allows for all of this to build. The friends are listening and asking and validating and supporting and caring and helping their friend through a tough time, and they are the heroes of her story. The friends who got her out of a dangerous situation.
The algorithm plays its role and turns a complex person into a simple label, the problem, the villain, the source of all the pain, the reason why the unhappiness existed in the first place. The tragedy of it all is the lack of communication between the only two people who knew the truth. The tragedy is that this issue is common and fixable with a little bit of counseling and safe space. Some empathy, some education, some emotional honesty.
The tragedy of it all is that the husband is now labeled as the bad guy. The husband was outnumbered and over powered by all of the other sources of information. The tragedy is that every misspoken word became more evidence. Every moment of pain made words becomes an instance of abuse. Every attempt at being nice and apologizing is labeled as toxic. Every attempt to reframe and provide context is manipulation and gaslighting. Every attempt to repair is narcissism. The husband played right into the narrative because his hurt became pain and the pain came out, as any human might experience it. His humanity mattered no more. His flaws were the focus, every mistake magnified, and he was no longer allowed to make human mistakes. The wife would no longer accept it, no longer offering the benefit of the doubt. The husband was a scary figure who fit every label. Her friends were shown to be correct, "see, I told you, he did it again, he's not going to change, he'll always be this way, he's bad for you, he doesn't actually love you."
The cards were dealt and stacked against the husband who stood by himself asking for help and support but his words could no longer exist without labels. It happened so fast that everyone had already been convinced of his villain status. The label was placed and could not be removed. The mark placed on his reputation, and his character so stained that he was irredeemable.
Safety became the only language that anyone could hear. Any other possibility led us to a place where safety language came back in focus. Any other focus was chastised and logically argued against. It goes beyond a safety first mentality. The safety language became safety only, above all else, not even a 1% chance of unsafe could be tolerated in this language.
Personal note here: I do not want a safe life. I live a life of danger and excitement. I will fail. I will be hurt. I will try again. I will look good and have fun. Safety Third.
Tragic is this story. The story of how a beautiful life got turned inside out and upside down, and the result is a woman who has left her husband for safety because the possibility of danger was present. Her dreams were turned nightmare, and the labels justified it all. She justified it with the support of friends and the algorithm and the AI who echo chambered her thoughts into their own perceptions, and they cheered her on throughout the process and celebrated her strength for leaving, celebrated her growth, and validated every feeling. She was celebrated for loving herself and making the most difficult decision. The tragedy is this: a complex human relationship was flattened into a safety narrative and every attempt at repair became more evidence against the repair.
The tragedy continues: Any attempt at sharing this story sows doubt and is labeled yet again, in an endless loop. Someone should have stood up and said STOP. Someone could have looked from the outside without attachment to either and been able to provide the needed context and guidance for the two to reconnect. There was a moment when this was possible. I do not believe it is possible any longer. There is our tragic story.
This was the story of two star-crossed lovers who magnified each other in the best of ways, where anything was possible, until their story was given a label that neither of them could survive. It's too simple. It's too easy. Leaving had a clear path, clear language, and support along the road. Staying became uncertain and was judged. I am still in the middle of it, standing in the storm, alone, and fighting against all the pressure, resisting because of my deep love and care for another human being.
p.s. Paste this in an AI of your choosing and ask it for the science underpinning these concepts. This was not made up as a hurt reaction. This is an observation of how it feels to be on the other side of the label. I'm powerless against it all, and I'm screaming on the inside, but my screaming is just more evidence of the label. That fucking sucks. That's tragedy. Put yourself in my shoes, please.